Spaced Quotes

Daisy: You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
Tim: Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! [Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: We're going paintballing later.
Daisy: I thought Mike was banned?
Tim: Only for six months.
Daisy: Oh, yeah? And how does that poor accountant feel about that?
[Scene changes to a shell-shocked accountant in a straight jacket and padded room]

TV Show: Spaced
Brian: Can I borrow a tea-bag?
Tim: [sarcastically] Only if you bring it back. [pauses] You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
Brian: What are you playing?
Tim: Tomb Raider 3.
Brian: She's drowning.
Tim: Yeah.
Brian: Is that the point of the game?
Tim: Depends what mood you're in really.
Brian: What sort of mood are you in then?
Tim: Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
Brian: So it didn't really work then.
Tim: No, it made me wanna drown things! [turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting] You've got paint on you.
Brian: It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
Tim: Did he like it?
Brian: He's dead.
Tim: Bloody hell, that really backfired.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.
Twist: Colin?
Daisy: That's what I called my box.

TV Show: Spaced
Paintball player: Gosh, this is so exciting!
Mike: This your first time, kid?
Paintball player: I'm thirty-six.
Mike: This your first time, old man?
Paintball player: Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
Tim: Yeah, I've always fancied myself.
Mike: I've always fancied you...
Tim: [quickly] Not here!
Paintball player: You've done this before, then?
Mike: You could say that.
Paintball player: What do you mean?
Mike: Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
Paintball player: [in awe] You've seen combat?
Mike: Yes, yes I have.
Paintball player: Where?
Mike: Umm, on the television!
Paintball player: But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!
Tim: He didn't.
Paintball player: Well, what did you use?
Mike: Erm, it was a big stick...?

TV Show: Spaced
[About Duane]':
Tim: He's made this personal.
Mike: I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
Tim: Well, he's made it more personal.
Mike: I don't think it gets much more personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.

TV Show: Spaced
Duane: You Know what they say about love and war.
Tim: Yeah, one of them involves a large amount of physical and psychological pain and the other's war.

TV Show: Spaced
Duane: See Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
Tim: It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. [Shoots Duane in the groin]
Tim: Yes! [Turns and sees Mike on the floor] No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no!
[Mike throws up paint out of his mouth]
Tim: MEDIC!
Mike: Is that you Tim?
Tim: Yeah I'm here man, just hold on, hold on!
Mike: I'm tired Tim.
Tim: Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. (Cries) I'm sorry I said those things, I just.. wasn't thinking straight.
Mike: I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.
Tim: No Mike I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one.
[Mike smiles]
Tim: What are you laughing it?
Mike: I guess I got to be the hero after all.
Tim: Yeah, I guess you did.
Mike: I've gotta, I've gotta sleep.
Tim: No no Mike stay with me.
Mike: So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.
Tim: No Mike!
[Mike seemingly somehow dies from his paintball injuries]
Tim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
Tim: Pilchards.
Daisy: Banana and...
Bilbo: Acorns.
Daisy: Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
Tim: What?
Daisy: You don't miss it.
Bilbo: So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him'.
Tim: No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich'.

TV Show: Spaced
Mike: When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.
Tim: You mean we kill the dog?
Mike: [whilst nodding] No...
Tim: Spoil sport.

TV Show: Spaced
[About Colin the dog.]
Daisy: How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...
Tim: Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.
Daisy: We don't have a tumble dryer.
Tim: You will, my friend. You will.
Daisy: Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders -
Tim: Thank you.

TV Show: Spaced
[While stoned]
Brian: Chaos theory.
Tim: Eh?
Brian: The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it - past, present, future - is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.
Daisy: So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?
Brian: An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
Tim: [In dawning realization] Oh my god...
Brian: What?
Daisy: What?
Tim: I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.
[They all cheer]
Tim: [Sings] Oh Mummy, Oh Daddy, Lets all play Kabadi.

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: Mike, I'll see you back here at twenty-two hundred hours. Everyone else, I'll see you back here at ten.

TV Show: Spaced
[Tim speaks to Mike on the phone]
Tim: What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!
Mike: The T.A is no game Tim!
Tim: It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
Mike: You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."
Tim: Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in Apocalype Now."
[Mike blows a bird whistle]
Tim: That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?
Mike: It's classified.
Tim: Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.
Mike: I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.
Tim: They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.
Mike: Hand grenades?
Tim: No!
Mike: Anthrax?
Tim: Mike!
Mike: Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!
[Mike puts the phone down, and sees some kids carrying a canoe over]
Kid: Come on, Mike!
[Mike gives the kids a thumbs up]

TV Show: Spaced
[Tim opens the door and sees Mike]
Tim: How is she?
Mike: The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.
Tim: What happened?
Mike: Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.
Tim: So what happened when you rolled?
Mike: I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.
[Tim nods and listens on]
Mike: The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.
Tim: So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right Inuit.
[Mike stares, confused]
Tim: Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
Mike: [Mike sobs] I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!
Tim: [Tries to comfort Mike] Come on. Come on. Come on.
Mike: (I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
Tim: You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.
Mike: Like the A-Team.
Tim: Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.
Mike: I pity the fool.
Tim: I pity the fool.
Mike: [Mr. T voice] I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!
Tim: [irritable] Stop that.

TV Show: Spaced
[Preparing to go out clubbing]
Mike: I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.
Tim: Really?
Mike: I didn't have to.
Tim: We should talk.

TV Show: Spaced
Tyres: Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish sometimes I could control these FOCKING MOOD SWINGS! [calmer] So what did youse two friends do last night?
Daisy: We just stayed in, didn't we, had a laugh, played Scrabble.

TV Show: Spaced
[About the possibility of getting back with his old girlfriend]
Tim Bisley: This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
Daisy Steiner: I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss behind my back and break my heart!
Tim Bisley: Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!

TV Show: Spaced
[Dropping Mike off for his interview with the Territorial Army]
Mike: Aren't you coming in with me?
Tim: I'm not your dad, Mike! [Hands him a lunch box] Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

TV Show: Spaced
[Before his meeting with the TA officials]
Mike: [Thinking] I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andie MacDowell - ohhh...

TV Show: Spaced
Mike: In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
TA Officer: Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
Mike: Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
TA Officer: Why do you think that was?
Mike: [Shrugs] I dunno.

TV Show: Spaced
[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple having sex]
Mike: War.
TA Officer: [Holding the next card] This one?
Mike: Bomb.
TA Officer: [Next card] This one?
Mike: Guts.
[Next card]
Mike: Guns.
[Next card]
Mike: Guts and guns.
[Next card]
Mike: [Happily] Butterfly.
[The TA Officer frowns]
Mike: [Realizes] Butterfly with a bomb.

TV Show: Spaced
TA Officer: Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?
[He throws Mike an sheathed military knife; Mike expertly grabs and unsheaths it]
Mike: [Grins happily] Nice.
TA Officer: Welcome back, Mike.

TV Show: Spaced
[About ending his relationship with Sarah]
Tim: I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? [Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following: ] You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you know is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is somewhere on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Daisy: Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.
[The pub band starts playing 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?']
Tim: Do you wanna dance?
Daisy: You know what? I think I do.
[They dance happily]

TV Show: Spaced
[About getting back with Sarah]
Daisy: What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?
Tim: I can read her like a book.
Daisy: Never judge a book by it's cover.
Tim: He who dares, wins.
Daisy: Look before you leap.
Tim: Do you believe in life after love?
Daisy: That's a song.
Tim: ...shit.

TV Show: Spaced
Agent: Daisy Steiner?
Brian: Yes...
Agent: Are you Daisy Steiner?
Brian: No...

TV Show: Spaced
Brian: They arrived just before you did...
Tim: You Lando!

TV Show: Spaced
Mike: I'm off to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.

TV Show: Spaced
Mike: Note to self: Shoot first, quip later.

TV Show: Spaced