Seinfeld Quotes
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry: Yeah. That's what you did.
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George Costanza: I got to go home and take a nap.
Jerry: It's 10: 30 in the morning.
George Costanza: I'll tell you, I am wiped.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry: She's out.
George Costanza: Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
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George Costanza: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry: It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going [high-pitched voice]
Cosmo Kramer: "My name is Bob!"
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I like DeSoto.
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza: He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry: Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
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George Costanza: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I was raised to say 'God bless you.'
Jerry: [sneezes]
George Costanza: Ah, shut up!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.
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George Costanza: I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
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George Costanza: It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross: And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza: Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross: I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza: Of course you do.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time [Jerry interrupts]
Jerry: George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
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George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
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George Costanza: Jerry, what gives you pleasure?
Jerry: Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating... THAT'S a fantasy camp.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...
Jerry: That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends. [pauses]
Jerry: Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter, I was raised to give up. It's one of the few things I do well.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry: They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza: Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry: Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza: Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry: Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza: Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry: [pause] Peach.
TV Show: Seinfeld