Seinfeld Quotes
Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys. [looks ahead at the driver infront of him]
Cosmo Kramer: No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine: What?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm out of the contest.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer is describing George's hands] Smooth... Creamy... Delicate, yet... Masculine...!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!
Jerry: [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!
George Costanza: No! No!
Jerry: No steam!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries! [falls down]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem. [hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. [cut to a taxi]
David Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
Elaine: Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again, [shouts]
Elaine: YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Congradulations!
Some woman: What for?
Cosmo Kramer: You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I could ballpark...
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam: That is so true.
Cosmo Kramer: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman: [whispering] ... shell.
Cosmo Kramer: Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell.
Pam: Kramer, that is so lovely.
Cosmo Kramer: It's by an unknown 20th century poet.
Pam: Oh? What's his name?
Cosmo Kramer: Newman.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me. [to Kramer]
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: [to George] Allow me. [to Kramer]
Jerry: What are you, an idiot?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?
George Costanza: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.
Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.
Elaine: What were you going to wear home?
Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.
TV Show: Seinfeld