Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: What are you saying?
Elaine: I'm not saying anything.
Jerry: You're saying something.
Elaine: What could I be saying?
Jerry: Well you're not saying nothing so you must me saying something.
Elaine: If I were saying something, I would have said it.
Jerry: So why don't you say it?
Elaine: I said it.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: Nothing.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Where's Marcy?
George Costanza: She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Who knows where she gets any of those losers...
George Costanza: You're on that list.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh Moses, smell the roses.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza: I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza: No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry: So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza: Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You can't keep avoiding her.
George Costanza: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You got the job?
George Costanza: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry: Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza: Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You know, I don't get it. Since when are you not allowed to ask a Chinese man where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we getting a little too sensitive here? If someone asks me, "which direction is Israel," I don't go flying off the handle.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You know, I never expected that movie...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: To end under water.
Jerry: To be so long. Usually movies like that...
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: Are a lot more violent.
Jerry: Are a lot shorter.
Lisi, Elaine's Friend: I should...
Jerry: Get going.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You with these too?
George Costanza: I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps.
Jerry: Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You wouldn't it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.
Newman: What? I love broccoli.
Jerry: Oh yeah? Taste. [Newman tastes the broccoli and spits it up]
Newman: Vile weed.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza: This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry: Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza: Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse, it's European.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You're giving up that easily?
Newman: I usually do.
Jerry: Newman, you cant let the dream die. You moving away is my dream too.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?
Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...
George Costanza: May I...?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George Costanza: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?
George Costanza: Nothing!
Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?
George Costanza: The show is about nothing!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Izzy Mandelbaum, Izzy Mandelbaum Jr.: [Mandelbaum's family yelling at the same time in their bed hospitals] Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum
TV Show: Seinfeld
Izzy Mandelbaum: Your son's pretty funny, Morty. He oughta be a comedian.
Jerry: Actually, I am a comedian.
Izzy Mandelbaum: That's not funny.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: [Newman is sneaking through Jerry's apartment trying to cheat at Kramer's and his "Risk" game when he knocks over some of Jerry's cassette tapes] Damn!
Cosmo Kramer: It's Newman! Quick open the door!
Jerry: [when Newman escapes from the window and up the stairs to his apartment] I see ya Newman, I see ya!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: [to rickshaw pullers] Ok, bring it down to the end of the block, make a controlled turn and bring it back, let's see what you got, go.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, where's he going?
Newman: I think he's stealing our rickshaw.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh then he's out.
Homeless Man: I'll take the job. [pause]
Homeless Man: Potato salad!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: I propose... AN ALLIANCE.
Jerry: An alliance?... Deal. [Jerry and Newman share an evil laugh]
Jerry: [stops laughing abruptly] Now, get the hell out of here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: You see, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Newman's Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.
Newman: I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: [about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it.
Jerry: Why?
George Costanza: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know.
Jerry: You could take it? You want it?
George Costanza: No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: So you... *do* want it?
George Costanza: No, I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry: You just said you wanted it!
George Costanza: No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
TV Show: Seinfeld