Seinfeld Quotes
George Costanza: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Who's bra is this?"
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: So I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy before.
Jerry: Why not? You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza: Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza: OK, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... [George leaves]
Jerry: The bad tipper.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Jerry: Maybe.
George Costanza: This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza: What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry: And if you do?
George Costanza: Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George Costanza: Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. [George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? [George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: They forgot my bread.
Jerry: [under his breath] Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you! [snaps fingers]
Soup Nazi: [cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry: You do make good comments.
George Costanza: So?
Jerry: Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza: [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry: Those belong to people.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.
Newman: Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George Costanza: But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one!
Newman: I've never been much for credos.
George Costanza: But I'm paying you!
Newman: Hey, thanks!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?
Elaine: Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy
Jerry: Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?
Elaine: Listen to me you, little shi...
George Costanza: Smile! [And takes a picture of them]
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
Jerry: What does that even mean?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine: Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza: Instinct.
Elaine: Stick with the opposite.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine: [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza: Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry: Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George Costanza: King Edward. [snapping fingers]
George Costanza: Like King Edward, Jerry!
Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George Costanza: You're gonna over-dry your laundry.
Jerry: You can't over-dry.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry: Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry.
George Costanza: Any questions?
TV Show: Seinfeld