Scrubs Quotes
J.D. I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
Carla: Who?
Turk: You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot: No way!
Dr. Cox: Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
Mr. Moyer: I'm free, and I love Italian.
J.D.: You be quiet!
[cuts back to reality]
Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!
Turk: She's so right, man.
Elliot: What are you thinking?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
J.D.: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, okay?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long![to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Carla: Who?
Turk: You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot: No way!
Dr. Cox: Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
Mr. Moyer: I'm free, and I love Italian.
J.D.: You be quiet!
[cuts back to reality]
Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!
Turk: She's so right, man.
Elliot: What are you thinking?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
J.D.: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, okay?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long![to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [voiceover] I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: [walking up to Doctor Cox, who is experiencing difficulties with an outdated, broken computer] Doctor Cox—
Dr. Cox: [angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder—
Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Paul: Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
Dr. Cox: [angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder—
Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Paul: Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Laverne: You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
Laverne: You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor.: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Janitor: [dumbfounded]
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor.: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Janitor: [dumbfounded]
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.
Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...
Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, Denise, thank you for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But maybe that's not fair...
J.D.: [narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
Carla: My mom died.
J.D.: [narration] Except that.
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But maybe that's not fair...
J.D.: [narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
Carla: My mom died.
J.D.: [narration] Except that.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D and Cox witness Kelso berating Elliot, who is near tears]
J.D.: If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
[Cox walks up to and knocks out Kelso with one punch]
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: [stunned] ...Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
J.D.: [narration] That may come up tomorrow.
J.D.: If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
[Cox walks up to and knocks out Kelso with one punch]
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: [stunned] ...Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
J.D.: [narration] That may come up tomorrow.
TV Show: Scrubs
Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Moyer: These are my machines!
Carla: Sir—
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
Turk: Whose machines?
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
J.D.: [to Turk] How was that helpful?
Carla: Sir—
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
Turk: Whose machines?
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
J.D.: [to Turk] How was that helpful?
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: [Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!
Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.
J.D.: [drifts off]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.
J.D.: [drifts off]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
Dr. Steadman: [To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.
Dr. Steadman: [To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [to J.D] I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dan: [objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Hey, that's a human being there!
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do thing around here, but by gum, if I ever need advice on just how to make a really dynamite rum and Coke, well then you'd better be by the phone, mister, cause I might just give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do thing around here, but by gum, if I ever need advice on just how to make a really dynamite rum and Coke, well then you'd better be by the phone, mister, cause I might just give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dan: No, you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
Dan: No, you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan]
Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?
[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me.
Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?
[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work]
Elliot: Ronald's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Yeah? He's six. What he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.
Elliot: Ronald's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Yeah? He's six. What he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [to the Janitor] I want you to be in the staff picture.
[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]
Carla: I thought you were going to kill me.
Janitor: I fought the urge.
[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]
Carla: I thought you were going to kill me.
Janitor: I fought the urge.
TV Show: Scrubs
Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know?
J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?
Danni: Danni.
J.D.: J.D.
Danni: Hi.
J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.
Danni: Did that work?
J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.
J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?
Danni: Danni.
J.D.: J.D.
Danni: Hi.
J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.
Danni: Did that work?
J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.
TV Show: Scrubs
Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.
TV Show: Scrubs
Danni: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...
Jordan: Guilt.
Dr. Cox: No, not that.
J.D.: Guilt?
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
[Jordan rolls her eyes]
Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.
Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...
Jordan: Guilt.
Dr. Cox: No, not that.
J.D.: Guilt?
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
[Jordan rolls her eyes]
Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."
TV Show: Scrubs