Scrubs Quotes
Carla: Look, you've all been on call before. So you don't have a safety net! Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right?
[silence]
Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own because you're all too scared.
J.D.: No, Carla, I'm a doctor... I should tell them.
Elliot: [grabs some charts] C'mon peeps - let's go kick some sick patient ass! [walks off, upbeat]
J.D.: [takes a chart] That, my friends, is one nerdy honky! [walks away]
Turk: That's two.
[silence]
Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own because you're all too scared.
J.D.: No, Carla, I'm a doctor... I should tell them.
Elliot: [grabs some charts] C'mon peeps - let's go kick some sick patient ass! [walks off, upbeat]
J.D.: [takes a chart] That, my friends, is one nerdy honky! [walks away]
Turk: That's two.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]
J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: [eating soup with a fork] Fork! Me can't eat soup! Rawrr!
J.D.: I don't think you're stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.
[notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe]
J.D.: You know, my-my uncle was a joer.
J.D.: I don't think you're stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.
[notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe]
J.D.: You know, my-my uncle was a joer.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: [Talking to patient] It's like being blind in one eye, except you'll be blind in both.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Wh-who would want to?
Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Wh-who would want to?
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down—
Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down—
Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dan: So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
[Elliot takes a sip]
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!
Elliot: [aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.
[Elliot takes a sip]
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!
Elliot: [aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.
TV Show: Scrubs
Julie Keaton: Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: [smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!
Dr. Cox: [smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!
TV Show: Scrubs
Julie Keaton: So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...
Dr. Cox: Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...
Dr. Cox: Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [to the Janitor after he asks him if he's been stealing pudding and toilet paper] I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: [to a patient who's suing her] I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
Patient: Good for you.
Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?
Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.
Patient: Good for you.
Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?
Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you—
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: —you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
J.D.: I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you—
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: —you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
J.D.: I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...
Elliot : We can be sex buddies...
J.D. : [hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.
Elliot : We can be sex buddies...
J.D. : [hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... [grins] I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D: ...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!
Turk: Here we go.
J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D: ...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
[Carla comes in]
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing; guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
[Carla comes in]
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing; guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: I'm dating a Murse!
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mecretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mecretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.
TV Show: Scrubs
Jordan: I'm going home.
Dr. Cox: No, no you're not-
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.
Dr. Cox: No, no you're not-
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: The thing is, this time, I am killing myself for this woman and I am still gettin' my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: That's my son.
Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
Janitor: [to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: That's my son.
Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
Janitor: [to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
TV Show: Scrubs