Saturday Night Live Quotes
Fred Garvin: Call me... Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.
[Shows title card while 20's music played over it]
[Shows title card while 20's music played over it]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bill Murray: So if you're a Rhesus Monkey and you want to donate your body to science, please hop in the box and send yourself to "Rhesus Roundup, San Simian, California."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dan Aykroyd: I'm station manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is a subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint. Jane will take the pro-Michelle Marvin point, while I will take the anti-Michelle Triola counterpoint.
Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rat
Jane Curtin: Dan, times change and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them. But the lack of a piece of paper does not necessarily mean a lack of total commitment. A woman is this modern-day relationship may well give up all her personal pursuits, as Michelle Marvin claims she did, to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: "Behind every successful man there's a woman." A loving, giving, caring woman. But you wouldn't know about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut! Bagged-out, dried-up, slunken meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules. If you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuting means nothing to you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of the cheap ham radio. But hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, reptatious swamp sow is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle are saying is that when you're on your backs, the meter is running. Well, please spare us, gals, and tell us the rat
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Milton Berle: You folks on the show, hold it please. Let's hear it for Lee Marvin and his witnesses, ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow. Lovely outfit. You always dress this classy? Now, uh... I don't feel much like workin', I got bad news, my wife ran away with my best friend... and I miss him.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Milton Berle: [in response to a sudden noise from the band stand] NBC just dropped another show.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bill Murray: In Britain, where political campaigns are often a source of unmistakenly British wit, we have this from Prime Minister James Callaghan. Commenting on the likely defeat of his Labour Party by the Tories in the upcoming British election, Callaghan quipped: "When I congratulate Mrs. Thatcher, I won't know whether to clasp her hand or hand her a clasp!" When asked to explain that joke, Callaghan replied: "By the term 'clasp', I mean, of course, a paper clip, such as much be used to hold together the various important papers and documents which, as Prime Minister, Mrs. Thatcher would very likely be handling." [Bill chuckles] There'll always be an England!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: Miss Lillian Carter removes her makeup. This and other stories coming up on Weekend Update next.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bill Murray: The British rock group, The Who, Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, and a concert promoter were named as co-defendants in a $27 million class-action suit, because of the mishap that occurred earlier this week. The legal proceedings was marred, however, when they broke for lunch, four city councilmen were trampled to death.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: This just in: Paul McCartney was freed, but the crisis continued in Tokyo.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Father Guido Sarducci: Live from New York and the wonderful empire of Japan, it's Saturday Night.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Mr. Potato Head: [sings]
I am Mr. Potato Head
The pride of Ireland green.
I am Mr. Potato Head
The pride of Ireland green.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Lady Pinth Garnell: Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Al Franken: The top ten shows for the 1979-1980 television season included some A's, some B's, some C's, and some S's. Did you see any N's? No. Not one N. Why? Because Silverman is a lame-o! And I heard he has a nice limosine service. I like to call it "A Limo for a Lame-o."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[after Mr. Bill was caught trying to escape]
Mr. Hands: Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.
Mr. Bill: [still trapped in rubble] No wait! I'm stuck! So don't shoot, okay?
[prison firing squad doesn't believe him and fires under Warden Sluggo's orders]
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
[The firing squad spells the words "THE END" in bullets on Mr. Bill's body]
Mr. Hands: Bye bye!
Mr. Hands: Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.
Mr. Bill: [still trapped in rubble] No wait! I'm stuck! So don't shoot, okay?
[prison firing squad doesn't believe him and fires under Warden Sluggo's orders]
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
[The firing squad spells the words "THE END" in bullets on Mr. Bill's body]
Mr. Hands: Bye bye!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you at the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?
Lord Douchebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.
Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag.
Lord Douchebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.
Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[During the goodnights]
Buck Henry: Thank you for coming. Good night... and goodbye.
Buck Henry: Thank you for coming. Good night... and goodbye.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Charles Rocket: Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamination suit, for allegally calling him a "homosexual" on NBC-TV's "Tomorrow" show. Grant charges that Chase's remarks were completely and totally false, and added, "He's the homo, not me. And one more crack like that and I'll scratch his eyes out, Mary!"
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[On Weekend Update, during the Saturday Night Sports segment]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I'm saying is that y'all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. 'Cause if God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, they should have one of these.
[He pulls out a boombox]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I'm saying is that y'all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. 'Cause if God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, they should have one of these.
[He pulls out a boombox]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
NBC Executive: There's just one thing. You are a virgin, aren't you?
Cheerleader: I'm sure... [realized she is not] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!
Cheerleader: I'm sure... [realized she is not] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[During the goodnights, Charles Rocket is in his wheelchair with a bandage on the wound of his neck]
Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?
Charles Rocket: [muttering] Oh man, I have been shot through my entire life. I like to know who the fuck did that?
[The cast responded with a mix of shock and laughter to the curse word]
Charlene Tilton: Okay!
Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?
Charles Rocket: [muttering] Oh man, I have been shot through my entire life. I like to know who the fuck did that?
[The cast responded with a mix of shock and laughter to the curse word]
Charlene Tilton: Okay!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Ann Risley: The press hasn't been overly kind.
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."
Cast: [groans] Oh, come on, geez.
Bill Murray: "From Yuck to Yeech." [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, "Vile From New York."
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: Come on! It's funny, it's funny!
Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."
Cast: [groans] Oh, come on, geez.
Bill Murray: "From Yuck to Yeech." [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, "Vile From New York."
Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.
Bill Murray: Come on! It's funny, it's funny!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it's time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don't watch it anymore.
[Audience applauds]
Chevy Chase: And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Audience applauds]
Chevy Chase: And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live