Saturday Night Live Quotes
[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]
Lorne Michaels: There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
Lorne Michaels: There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[repeated line]
Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Adam Sandler: [singing] You gotta gish/You gotta gash/You gotta wax Grandma's mustache/And lay out socks and make sure they match. Whoa yeah, you gotta help out your Grandma.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan Aykroyd: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Reverend Jesse Jackson: [during the 1988 Democratic presidential debates] We have come a long way; from the field house to the big house, from the big house to the White House , [loses his train of thought]
Reverend Jesse Jackson: uh, to the outhouse, uh...
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, shall we? The category is; I can't believe this, the Final Jeopardy category is 'Famous Mothers'.
Sean Connery: Hah, Hah, Hah; My day has finally come, Trebek.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's just go with FOREIGN FLICKS for 800.
Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo twice.
Alex Trebek: That's foreign FLICKS, Mr. Connery.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you a broken and miserable man.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so... [She suddenly drops the knife ]
Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened... [Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [She holds her apron over her hand]
Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so... [Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
Julia Child: Wel
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Danny DeVito: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Mister Robinson: Do you know what these are, boys and girls? These are drums. Do you know where drums come from? They come from Africa. [Sits down, begins playing and singing]
Mister Robinson: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight... [phone rings]
Mister Robinson: This is how you answer a phone in my neighborhood. WHAT IS IT? LOUD? NAH, THAT AIN'T LOUD; THIS IS LOUD! [Blows a whistle into the phone, sits down and begins playing the drums again]
Mister Robinson: .
Mr. T.: [Beating on the door] Robinson! Robinson! I told you to stop beatin' them drums!
Mister Robinson: That's my new neighbor, boys and girls. But, don't worry, I put a new lock on the door. He can't get in hear. [Starts playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck] Hello, boys and girls; the word for today, 'pain'. [to Mr. Robinson]
Mr. T.: Sing the song.
Mister Robinson: [singing] A very happy tomorrow to you.
Mr. T.: [choking Robinson] Good night, boys and girls.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Tyrone Green: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Church Lady: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob Dole: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Poptart?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Ross Perot: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Adam Sandler: [singing] You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta shave Grandma's poodle/'Cause Grandma would so the same for you. You gotta libby/You gotta labby/You gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby. 'Cause you should know Grandmas are people too. Oh, you gotta love your Grandma. Now if you listen to the words of this song/You know they're coming straight from the heart/Never make fun of your Grandma, even when she rips a juicy fart/You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta stop playing with your noodle/'Cause Grandma said it'll make you go blind/You gotta gipper/You gotta giper/You gotta change Grandma's diaper/And then pretend you really didn't mind. Whoa-Respect to the Grandma.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I don't know.
Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I guess so.
Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Regis Philbin: We went to this little restuarant on the upper east side call Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means...
Kathy Lee Gifford: [makes hand motions] "Affection".
Regis Philbin: No, no, it's actually "abundance".
Kathy Lee Gifford: Oh, ok. "Abundance". [makes another hand motion]
Regis Philbin: And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?"
Kathy Lee Gifford: [starts jumping up and down in the seat] Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say?
Regis Philbin: I, I just told you what Gail said.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm Macdonald: [on Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett's divorce] Julia Roberts said that the turning point in their marriage was when she realized that she was Julia Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm Macdonald: [On Weekend Update] LaToya Jackson. What does it take to be known as the 'crazy' member of the Jackson family?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm Macdonald: A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students. [Norm holds up a handful of money]
Norm Macdonald: [slyly] Don't I know it?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live