Saturday Night Live Quotes
Derek Stevens: (singing "The Lady I Know")
There's a lady I know
If I didn't know her
She'd be the lady I didn't know.
There's a lady I know
If I didn't know her
She'd be the lady I didn't know.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
And my lady, she went downtown
She bought some broccoli
She brought it home.
She bought some broccoli
She brought it home.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
She's choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
She's choppin' broccoli
She's choppin' broccoli
She's chop.. ooh!
She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!
She's choppin' broccoli
She's chop.. ooh!
She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Mephistopheles: (hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!
Doug Llewellen: That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."
Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
Baliff: Come on, let's go! Come on!
Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)
Doug Llewellen: That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."
Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
Baliff: Come on, let's go! Come on!
Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: Tonight's top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People's Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes "Goofy in Beirut" and also a new Disney character, "Hassenfutz in Nicaragua."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you. Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. No, no, who am I kidding! I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex—we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course,
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[The Happy Fun Ball sketch]
Kid 1: It's happy!
Kid 2: It's fun!
Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3: It's Happy Fun Ball!
Announcer: Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that's sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!
Announcer: [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Announcer: Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Announcer: Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Announcer: Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations.
Announcer: If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
Announcer: When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Announcer: Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Announcer: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty.
Announcer: [back in energetic tone again] Happy
Kid 1: It's happy!
Kid 2: It's fun!
Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3: It's Happy Fun Ball!
Announcer: Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that's sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!
Announcer: [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Announcer: Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Announcer: Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Announcer: Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations.
Announcer: If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
Announcer: When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Announcer: Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Announcer: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Announcer: Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty.
Announcer: [back in energetic tone again] Happy
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Secret Service Agent: Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
Secret Service Agent: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.
Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
Secret Service Agent: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley): [making air quotes throughout] That's right, Bennett Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well, maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not a "heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman"; I don't know "how that works". I guess I don't "fall in line". I'm not "hygienic". I don't "wipe properly". I lack "style". I have no "charisma" or "self esteem". I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal". I can't "reach all the parts of my body". When I sleep, I "sweat profusely". But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck, at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their white heads with a compass they used in high school."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Farley: First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Farley: You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin' in a van down by the river!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Farley: Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
David Spade: Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
Chris Farley: Well, la-dee-Frickin'-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Phil Hartman: Well, actually, Matt, we've actually been encouraging Bryan (David Spade's character) in his writing.
Chris Farley: Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!
David Spade: Well, actually, I kind of want to be a writer.
Chris Farley: Well, la-dee-Frickin'-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?
Phil Hartman: Well, actually, Matt, we've actually been encouraging Bryan (David Spade's character) in his writing.
Chris Farley: Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Farley: From what I here you're using that paper for doobie rollin'. Well there's gonna be plenty of time for rollin' doobies, when you're LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Farley: Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?
Christina Applegate: (Sarcastically)I wanna live in a van down by the river.
Chris Farley: Well you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
Christina Applegate: (Sarcastically)I wanna live in a van down by the river.
Chris Farley: Well you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: Well, it's official: murder is now legal in the state of California.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: [on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected. Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, "Shhhh!"
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: Tomorrow night on "60 Minutes", Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar, you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you".
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Nat X: So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M*A*S*H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey - what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox, nothin' in there. Where my O.J. prize? Okay? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. That’s right—if O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murder.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Tori Spelling (Cheri Oteri): Hi Nat! It’s good to be here, how are you?
Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.
Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?
Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.
Nat X: Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.
Tori Spelling: Oh thanks, did you like it?
Nat X: Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt".
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Will Ferrell: They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alec Baldwin: He hated Mexicans!
Will Ferrell: And he was half Mexican!
Mark McKinney: And he hated irony!
Will Ferrell: And he was half Mexican!
Mark McKinney: And he hated irony!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's see what Mr. Travolta put: "Meso", a type of soup. Very good. And your wager? "Horny". "Meso Horny".
John Travolta: (laughing) Oh, come on, that's hilarious!
Alex Trebek: No, it isn't!
John Travolta: (laughing) Oh, come on, that's hilarious!
Alex Trebek: No, it isn't!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common—I will hate them.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Colin Quinn: (as the new Weekend Update anchorman) You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." And you're thinking, "Hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff." But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well...I'm Steve. What can I get you?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live