Saturday Night Live Quotes
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Lily Tomlin: Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Richard Pryor: How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper]' "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be ... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Richard Pryor: Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Interviewer: Dog.
Mr. Wilson: Tree.
Interviewer: Fast.
Mr. Wilson: Slow.
Interviewer: Rain.
Mr. Wilson: Snow.
Interviewer: White.
Mr. Wilson: ...Black.
Interviewer: Bean.
Mr. Wilson: Pod.
Interviewer: Negro.
Mr. Wilson: Whitey(!).
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: [pause] What'd you say?
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Colored.
Mr. Wilson: Redneck.
Interviewer: Jungle bunny.
Mr. Wilson: Peckerwood!
Interviewer: Burrhead!
Mr. Wilson: Cracker!
Interviewer: Spearchucker!
Mr. Wilson: White trash!
Interviewer: Jungle Bunny!
Mr. Wilson: Honky!
Interviewer: Spade!
Mr. Wilson: ... Honky Honky!
Interviewer: Nigger!
Mr. Wilson: Dead honky!
Mr. Wilson: Tree.
Interviewer: Fast.
Mr. Wilson: Slow.
Interviewer: Rain.
Mr. Wilson: Snow.
Interviewer: White.
Mr. Wilson: ...Black.
Interviewer: Bean.
Mr. Wilson: Pod.
Interviewer: Negro.
Mr. Wilson: Whitey(!).
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: [pause] What'd you say?
Interviewer: Tarbaby.
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Colored.
Mr. Wilson: Redneck.
Interviewer: Jungle bunny.
Mr. Wilson: Peckerwood!
Interviewer: Burrhead!
Mr. Wilson: Cracker!
Interviewer: Spearchucker!
Mr. Wilson: White trash!
Interviewer: Jungle Bunny!
Mr. Wilson: Honky!
Interviewer: Spade!
Mr. Wilson: ... Honky Honky!
Interviewer: Nigger!
Mr. Wilson: Dead honky!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Interviewer: Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?
Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
Interviewer: Uh.. $7,500 a year?
Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
Interviewer: $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Okay.
Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
Interviewer: Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.
Mr. Wilson: Your momma!
Interviewer: Uh.. $7,500 a year?
Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!
Interviewer: $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...
Mr. Wilson: Okay.
Interviewer: Okay.
Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?
Interviewer: Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Don Pardo: [voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I'm reading upside down!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!
[Interior Demolitionist #1 picked up a vase and shatters it with a hammer]
Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey -- I'm in the shower!
Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!
Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] Whaat?!
Mrs. Henderson: [to Interior Demolitionist # 1] Do you want -- you want some coffee?
Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh yeah! Great!
Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.
[Interior Demolitionist #1 picked up a vase and shatters it with a hammer]
Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey -- I'm in the shower!
Mrs. Henderson: [calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!
Mr. Henderson: [from upstairs] Whaat?!
Mrs. Henderson: [to Interior Demolitionist # 1] Do you want -- you want some coffee?
Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh yeah! Great!
Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.
Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?
Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.
Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?
Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you're signing your hand.
Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
Gerald Ford: Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?
Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Called it what?
Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
Gerald Ford: I'm pretty comfortable myself.
Ron Nessen: That's good.
Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.
Gerald Ford: Ah!
Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.
Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
Gerald Ford: Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?
Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Called it what?
Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
Gerald Ford: I'm pretty comfortable myself.
Ron Nessen: That's good.
Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.
Gerald Ford: Ah!
Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won't join Mr. Kissinger in Miami tomorrow, saying he's flying to Boston for the first game of the World Series.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent was suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan has revealed that he underwent treatment for cancer of the hair.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that "The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of 'Pleh, pleh!'
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[shortly after Emily Litella is about to finish her editorial replay against 'canker' research]
Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily?
Emily Litella: What?
Chevy Chase: I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.
Emily Litella: Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!
Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily?
Emily Litella: What?
Chevy Chase: I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.
Emily Litella: Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norman Bates: Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz. Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you (A) Give her a duplicate key, (B) Let her in with your passkey, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife. Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel? Is it (A) Cordial atmosphere, (B) Courteous service, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!
[cut to film segment of real-life President Ford]
Gerald Ford: I'm Gerald Ford, and you're not.
[cut to film segment of real-life President Ford]
Gerald Ford: I'm Gerald Ford, and you're not.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[Jean-Paul got shot and fell into the snow]
Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
[Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]
Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..
[Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]
Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time...no, no! No, he's getting up!
[Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]
Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
Tom Tryman: I can't believe he's going for the finish line... and -
[Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]
Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again... again he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.
Tom Tryman: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
[Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]
Jessica Antlerdance: Just grazed, I think, Tom..
[Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]
Jessica Antlerdance: Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time...no, no! No, he's getting up!
[Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]
Jessica Antlerdance: Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
Tom Tryman: I can't believe he's going for the finish line... and -
[Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]
Tom Tryman: Oh, no! Again... again he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Richard Nixon: [after watching Henry Kissinger leave the Oval Office] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?
Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and, that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Just kidding! And you're not.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[Dell Stator's Toad Ranch jingle]
When you're at home or on the road
And you've got to stop to crave that toad
Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's
Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!
When you're at home or on the road
And you've got to stop to crave that toad
Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's
Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Captain Kirk: [voiceover] Captain's Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live and long prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live