Saturday Night Live Quotes

Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Wayne and Garth: Schwing!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd: We are two wild and crazy guys!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
The Church Lady: Well, isn't that special?

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jon Lovitz: Yeah, that's the ticket.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Billy Crystal as Fernando: You look mahvelous!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Adam Sandler: I'm gonna waiting for you outside in the terminal.
Steward: That's great, buh-bye!
Adam Sandler: No there's more, I'm gonna pound your face in.
Steward: Okay, slick, buh-bye!
Adam Sandler: I'M GONNA KICK THE CRAP OUTTA YOU!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Barbara Walters: Yep, I was in such a roid rage, I threw a file cabinet at Hugh Downes.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Boy: Daddy, is Santa going to jail?
Dad: No, Son, he's not really Santa.
Boy: Is there no Santa?
Santa: See that, Sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there's no Santa. You happy?
Dad: I'd rather have him believe in no Santa, than in a Santa who does 12 years for home invasion and murder.
Santa: Sir, yes it's true, I've done time. But when you think about it, what does Santa do every year than committ a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous form of home invasion, yes, but still home invasion. And as for murder, well I can't think of any good reason to justify that.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: [picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it. [laughter and applause, some ooohs]
Dennis Miller: [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy. [laughs]

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' Moonshadow.] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim! [smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing Father and Son]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away. [turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing Wild World] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world! [makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Kevin Nealon: Well it's the season premier of Saturday Night Live, alot of us here at the show look at this as the first day of school. Here with his comments is Chris Rock.
Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, now to most people, the first day of school was a happy time but not to me, know why? Because I was bussed to school, was very hard being bussed to school. Know what that meant? It means I had to get up every morning at six o'clock in the morning to compete with white kids who didn't have to wake up until eight. And that's not fair! Now say I lower my head on the desk, teacher going "Chris can't read." No, Chris is tired alright! Give me a nap and maybe I'll pass the damn test!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Centaur Doctor: Are we going to ask any questions about my medical background?
Interviewing Doctor: The rest of the interview will be centaur questions.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norman Bates: Hi, I'm Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how to be your own boss in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I'll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to a multi-unit motel inn.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
English teacher: I want you to feed your fingertips.
Foreigner: I vant you to feed your fingerteeps.
English teacher: To the wolverines.
Foreigner: To the volver-eenes.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It's nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us- live! Um... I'm kinda glad that we're on at night, so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man... and this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit- they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are- we are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? (high voice) "Let's take their land away from them! You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!" Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football's a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians- we won it little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George Carlin: The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence- the words don't go together, man.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George Carlin: Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: (President) Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he had written his own campaign slogan. The slogan: "If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?"

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on what’s going down! President Ford’s regular weekly accident took place this week in Hartford, Connecticut, where Ford’s Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground. The president was unhurt except for putting his thumb in his eye. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Paul Simon: [to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I've gotta stay with my strengths, basically... singing and songwriting.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
President Ford: My fellow Americans... ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press... and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the "Saturday Night" show with Harvey Cosell.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...
Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
Chevy Chase: President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!
Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."

TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

TV Show: Saturday Night Live