Red vs. Blue Quotes

Simmons (aggressively): I said in the hole!
[Simmons pushes Grif into a hole he is using as a prison and Grif appears from a gravity lift behind him]
Grif: I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Alien: Honk
Andy: Yeah. I agree; Earth sucks!
Tucker: Earth does not suck, Earth rules! We invented the telephone.
Alien: Blargh blargh.
Andy: He says they invented the telephone too, and they did it a thousand years before you did!
Tucker: Oh, and what did they have to say on it? "Blargh blargh honk honk"? Who the fuck wants to hear that?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: How's it going, Sarge?
Sarge: Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror! ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: [Off-screen] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!
Simmons: [Off-screen] Grif, just stay down there like you're told!
Donut: Well, that's my cue. Let's go!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues reach the Freezing Plains]
Tucker: I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me. It's really weird.
Tex: I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.
Caboose: Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Church drops off Donut and the unconscious Sarge and Grif]
Church: Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.
Donut: Well, what do I tell them?
Church: I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.
Donut: I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.
Church: Well then today's your lucky day.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Help me get these guys in the hole.
Church: We have a hole? That's kick ass!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.
Simmons: Yeah...
Church: But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.
Simmons: You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.
Church: No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.
Simmons: What?
Church: Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.
Simmons (a slight quiver in his voice): What do they say?
Church: Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...
Simmons (starting to cry): (sniff) Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk...

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, where're ya going?
Simmons (off-screen; on the verge of tears): I have to use the bathroom...
Church: Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.
Sheila: ...You do know that's Simmons, right?
Church: Oh yeah.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sheila: This isn't a parking lot, Church. This is a team! A family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?
Church: Right. Including the time you killed me.
Sheila: How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank? What if, today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: And you work- and you work with Blue Command?
Vic, Jr.: Oh, right dude. Good one, dude. Blue Command. [Winks] Wink!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Halt! Who goes there?
Simmons: Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)
Donut: Oh, right, you. What do you want?
Simmons: I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?
Donut: I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)
Simmons: What's your problem, Donut?
Donut: Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.
Simmons: I'm not the enemy.
Donut: Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.
Simmons: More like pink.
Donut: I have a gun.
Simmons: OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.
Donut: You helped the Blues.
Simmons: And fooled them.
Donut: You knocked Sarge out, twice.
Simmons: Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.
Donut: Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.
Simmons: No, the Blues don't know either.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?
Sheila: I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: What's all this ruckus?
Donut: There's an enemy trying to get into the base.
Sarge: Where?
Donut: Right there.
Sarge: Where? Behind Simmons?
Simmons: He means me sir.
Donut: Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Simmons: Donut, I did tell you it was me.
Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".
Simmons: That's because I am me.
Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
Simmons: That's because I'm me.
Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.
Simmons: Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.
Sarge: I don't want to hear it, Blue.
Simmons: What, this is valuable information about the war.
Sarge: There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!
Simmons: But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.
Donut: Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.
Simmons: No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.
Sarge: Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled
Grif: Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes! What's up guys?
Tucker: Meh.
Church: Hey, where's Tex?
Tucker: Gone.
Church: Where's the alien?
Tucker: Dead.
Church: Well, how'd the quest go?
Tucker: Failed.
Church: Yeah, you know, I, I probably didn't even need to ask that last question, did I?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Well, is Tex okay?
Tucker: She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.
Church: Tex?
Tucker: Yeah.
Church: Wyoming?
Tucker: Yes.
Caboose: Massachusetts!
Tucker: Seriously, stop it.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, and because the, uh, glowing sword turned out to be a, uh, glowing key.
Church: Yeah, glowing key that can still stab people.
Caboose: Right.
Church: So it is a sword, It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.
Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.
Church: God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.
Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time.
Church: Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, you don't think it's the sword that's makin' him sick, do you?
Caboose: I don't see how. It hasn't sneezed once.
Church: We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
Church: Why would solar power make him sick?
Caboose: Is he a republican?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
At an evil lair, somewhere nearby...
ring...ring...ring...
O'Malley: [still ringing] For the love of evil, someone get the phone!
Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen][still ringing] Why don't you get it?
O'Malley: [still ringing] You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for?
Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen][still ringing] To clean up after all your failed plots.
O'Malley: [still ringing] Oh shut up you fool, you don't even have a body!
Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen][still ringing] Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.
Doc: [still ringing] Why all this bickering, can't we all just get along?
O'Malley: [still ringing] And answer the damn phone!
Lopez: [Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?
O'Malley: [still ringing] I find you far too sarcastic with just a head.
...ring...ring...ring

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: I don't recognize the authority of this court.
Sarge: No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Who's the prosecution?
Sarge: Well, I am, of course.
Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!
Sarge: I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
Simmons: Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.
Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
[Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake]
Simmons: Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
O'Malley: I haven't been here in quite some time. Which one is the blue base?
Doc: It's the blue one.
O'Malley: Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Doc/O'Malley slowly approaching the blue base]
O'Malley: Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.
[A sudden sniper rifle shot narrowly misses his head]
O'Malley: Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
Church: Alright Hold it right there!
Lopez: [Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.
O'Malley: Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.
Church: That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.
Caboose: You think you can make that shot from here?
Church: Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone is fucking with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
O'Malley: We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it, HAHAHAHAHA!
Church: No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.
O'Malley: (Chuckling fiendishly) Oh yes you will. You will or else your little friend Tucker will die. Die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you will let me do what I want. You will agree even if what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening! What I want is something PURE EVIL!(Laughs madly) I've also been told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.
Church: All right. Fine.
O'Malley: Ah, you fool. And we want the $20 up-front!
Church: Fine!
O'Malley: And in cash.
Church: Whatever!
O'Malley: Ah, you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools.
Church: Caboose, give me 20 dollars. Wait, give me 30 dollars.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.
O'Malley: Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.
Andy: Actually, I'm a bomb.
O'Malley: It can talk?
Andy: Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!
O'Malley: A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.
Church: Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.
O'Malley: I see... well, this is certainly awkward.
Andy: KABOOM!
O'Malley: [recoiling] Satan's bunions!
Andy: Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!
O'Malley: Yes highly amusive.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: I don't know, Sarge. If command was wrong about you being dead, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like what if the Blues don't suck? [gasp] What if the Blues are awesome?! This changes everything!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[At Sarge's funeral]

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: But I was so young! And violent!
Grif: And that's what makes this so tragic.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?
Donut: Right here.
Simmons: How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?
Lopez: No.
Caption: No.
Grif: Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.
Donut: I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.
Sarge: What've you two been talkin' about?
Donut: Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.
Lopez: Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.
Caption: Please make the pink one stop talking to me.
Sarge: Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.
Donut: ¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?
Caption: Lopez, do you know what time it is?
Donut: Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.
Caption: I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.
Donut: Yo comido un lápiz.
Caption: I ate a pencil.
Donut: Adios!
Lopez: ...
Caption: ...
Donut: Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue