Red vs. Blue Quotes
Church: Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.
Caboose: What if it's a new gun?
Church: What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!
Caboose: Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!
Church: A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.
Caboose: What if it's a new gun?
Church: What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!
Caboose: Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!
Church: A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..
Junior: Honk...
Doc: ...ple!
Junior: Honk!
Doc: Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.
Junior: Honk...
Doc: ...ple!
Junior: Honk!
Doc: Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.
Caboose: Maybe he's an alien!
Church: An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?
Caboose: And that is the scariest kind of alien.
Church: Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!
Tucker: Blulululula. BluluLULUla.
Church: Well, look who's awake.
Tucker: What the fuck happened?
Caboose: Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-
Tucker: Can I get the short version, please?
Church: Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.
Tucker: Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.
Caboose: Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.
Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.
Church: Are you guys talking about me?
Caboose: We, ah, didn't want to say anything.
Tucker: Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!
Church: Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.
Tucker: Where did you carry us, to the buffet?
Caboose: He said it.
Tucker: What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?
Caboose: That's Church.
Church: He means the ship, Caboose!!
Caboose: He said it.
Caboose: Maybe he's an alien!
Church: An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?
Caboose: And that is the scariest kind of alien.
Church: Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!
Tucker: Blulululula. BluluLULUla.
Church: Well, look who's awake.
Tucker: What the fuck happened?
Caboose: Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-
Tucker: Can I get the short version, please?
Church: Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.
Tucker: Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.
Caboose: Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.
Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.
Church: Are you guys talking about me?
Caboose: We, ah, didn't want to say anything.
Tucker: Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!
Church: Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.
Tucker: Where did you carry us, to the buffet?
Caboose: He said it.
Tucker: What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?
Caboose: That's Church.
Church: He means the ship, Caboose!!
Caboose: He said it.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahaha! You know what I'm talking about!
Sarge: C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!
Simmons: Too soon!
Sarge: C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?
Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!
Simmons: Too soon!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-
Simmons: Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.
Grif: Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.
Grif's Sister: WOOO-HOOO!
Grif: Not you!
Sister: Aw...
Simmons: Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.
Grif: Boo, you suck!
Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!
Grif: Oh, sorry (leaves)
Simmons: Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.
Grif: (shouting) Boo! You suck!
Simmons: Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.
Grif: Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.
Grif's Sister: WOOO-HOOO!
Grif: Not you!
Sister: Aw...
Simmons: Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.
Grif: Boo, you suck!
Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!
Grif: Oh, sorry (leaves)
Simmons: Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.
Grif: (shouting) Boo! You suck!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sister: Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.
Grif: Haha, I wrote that line!
Simmons: Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once
Sister: Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.
Grif: Haha, I wrote that line!
Simmons: Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once
Sister: Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.
Tucker: Uh, what do I do?
Church: Why are you asking me?
Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!
Church: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.
Tucker: No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.
Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Tucker: Uh, what do I do?
Church: Why are you asking me?
Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!
Church: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.
Tucker: No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.
Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: But girls can't be color blind!
Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?
Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?!
Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?
Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.
Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes t-ball.
Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.
Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.
Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes t-ball.
Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.
Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.
Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!
Simmons: No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
Grif: You know that trick?
Sister: I learned from the best.
Simmons: Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.
Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.
Simmons: No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.
Sister: What are girly laps?
Grif: Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.
Simmons: [pumps shotgun off screen]
Grif: And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.
Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.
Grif: But what about Sarge?
Simmons: You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?
Sister: Aspirin overdose.
Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?
Sister: I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.
Simmons: Yeah... wait, what?
Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!
Simmons: No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
Grif: You know that trick?
Sister: I learned from the best.
Simmons: Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.
Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.
Simmons: No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.
Sister: What are girly laps?
Grif: Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.
Simmons: [pumps shotgun off screen]
Grif: And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.
Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.
Grif: But what about Sarge?
Simmons: You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?
Sister: Aspirin overdose.
Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?
Sister: I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.
Simmons: Yeah... wait, what?
Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?
Sister: Because -
Simmons: And don't say because nobody asked!
Sister: But nobody did ask!
Simmons: God damn it.
Grif: So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.
Simmons: We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!
Sister: Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!
Grif: No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!
Simmons: Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.
Grif: Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.
Sister: Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!
Grif: See?
Sister: Because -
Simmons: And don't say because nobody asked!
Sister: But nobody did ask!
Simmons: God damn it.
Grif: So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.
Simmons: We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!
Sister: Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!
Grif: No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!
Simmons: Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.
Grif: Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.
Sister: Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!
Grif: See?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Yeah, this is bullshit.
Tucker: Ask for something else.
Church: Uh, we want something else!
Grif: What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!
Tucker: Got any money?
Grif: Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.
Sister: Don't do me any favors, bitch.
Tucker: Ask for something else.
Church: Uh, we want something else!
Grif: What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!
Tucker: Got any money?
Grif: Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.
Sister: Don't do me any favors, bitch.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Looks like the reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?
Church: I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.
Tucker: Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.
Church: I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.
Tucker: Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: My tummy feels a little weird.(makes a burp noise whilst flames shoot out of his mouth)
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: What else was on the ship?
Grif: What do you mean?
Church: Y'know like guns or weapons...
Tucker: Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.
Grif: Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!
Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!
Sister: Woo-hoo!
Grif: God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!
Church: No take backs!
Grif: Oh, what the fuck?!
Simmons: [runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!
Grif: Who's gone?
Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!
Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?
Simmons: Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!
Grif: Oh, calm down.
Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
Grif: Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?
Grif: What do you mean?
Church: Y'know like guns or weapons...
Tucker: Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.
Grif: Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!
Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!
Sister: Woo-hoo!
Grif: God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!
Church: No take backs!
Grif: Oh, what the fuck?!
Simmons: [runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!
Grif: Who's gone?
Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!
Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?
Simmons: Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!
Grif: Oh, calm down.
Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
Grif: Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.
Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that!
Church: What's your deal?
Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!
Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that!
Church: What's your deal?
Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.
Sister: Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
Grif: No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.
Sister: I love digging. I wanna help!
Grif: No, you're leaving.
Sister: Where am I going?
Grif: The other base.
Sister: The Red base?
Grif: No, the Blue base.
Sister: We have two bases? Awesome!
Grif: Move!
Sister: Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
Grif: No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.
Sister: I love digging. I wanna help!
Grif: No, you're leaving.
Sister: Where am I going?
Grif: The other base.
Sister: The Red base?
Grif: No, the Blue base.
Sister: We have two bases? Awesome!
Grif: Move!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.
Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.
Church: Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
Tucker: Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?
Church: Up yours, dickhead.
Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.
Church: Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
Tucker: Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?
Church: Up yours, dickhead.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: [talking to Shelia the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.
Sheila: Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church]
Sheila: Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.
Sister: Cool.
Church: I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.
Sister: That's it?
Church: That's it.
Sister: Sounds easy.
Church: Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?
Sister: Training?
Church: Yeah, what have you been told so far?
Sister: Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?
Church: No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?
Sister: Uhh those sound violent.
Church: Operations?
Sister: I don't even know how that works.
Church: Communications?
Sister: Say What?!
Church: Intelligence?
Sister: Uhhh... Huh?
Church: Oh, great...
Sister: Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.
Sister: Cool.
Church: I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.
Sister: That's it?
Church: That's it.
Sister: Sounds easy.
Church: Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?
Sister: Training?
Church: Yeah, what have you been told so far?
Sister: Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?
Church: No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?
Sister: Uhh those sound violent.
Church: Operations?
Sister: I don't even know how that works.
Church: Communications?
Sister: Say What?!
Church: Intelligence?
Sister: Uhhh... Huh?
Church: Oh, great...
Sister: Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue