Hogan's Heroes Quotes

Sgt. Schultz: I know nothing!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your *life*!
Captain Karl Metzler: In return for *information*!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They *shot* Holtz trying to escape- you're next! *You* be the judge what's *important*!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of new secret weapon.
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why are they bringing it here?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know its safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now you see that wouldn't be cricket.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What if we find out what is is and if its important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'll be great!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter. Out.
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Colonel Klink: WHAT?

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. [pause]
Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Major Martin: [in disbelief] You're an American.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Someone around here has to be.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.
Hogan: Don't remind me, remind them.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: [tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Hogan is kissing Helga.]
Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave.
[Kisses her again.]
Helga: It's very exciting.
Hogan: It's called "unconditional surrender".

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?
Newkirk: Righto, guv'nor, you got it.
Hogan: Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'
Newkirk: Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?
Hogan: Of course I do, but I fight it.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Burkhalter: Now let me see what we can do with Colonel Hogan.
Klink: I will have him brought here and we will start strenuous interrogation at once.
Burkhalter: Klink, you not only are irresistible, but you are also very subtle.
Klink: Thank you, sir!
Burkhalter: Like a broken leg.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?
Hogan: I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: Colonel, you worry too much.
Klink: I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?
LeBeau: Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: : LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
LeBeau: : Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?
Hogan: : We swear not to tell anybody.
LeBeau: Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.
Hogan: We all have to make sacrifices.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Schultz: I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
Colonel Klink: What an honor to have you here —
General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?
Colonel Klink: Hasn't it come back yet?
General Hofstader: No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
Colonel Klink: Please, General — it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas and the prisoners—
General Hofstader: [sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Col. Klink: It is impossible for you to hide it! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Col. Klink: Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman…
[Klink gets up.]
Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Hogan: Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
Klink: Schultz! Where is that radio?
Schultz: They didn't tell me!
Klink: Find it at once!
Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Klink: [as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
Hogan: From the accent, I'd say England.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
Schultz: Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.
Schmidt: Cleveland?
Hogan: I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
Newkirk: What do you mean by that?
Hogan: It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes
Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
Klink: I know.

TV Show: Hogan's Heroes