Red Dwarf Quotes
Kryten: I've been a complete and total polaroid-head.
Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.
Lister: Yeah, you've had your head right up your recharge socket.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Lister looks at the stasis pod, while suffering from Space Mumps]
So who is she, Holly?
Holly: Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini
Lister: Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
Cat: Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!
So who is she, Holly?
Holly: Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini
Lister: Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
Cat: Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: There must be some way of findin' out. [if the pod contains Barbara Bellini or a rogue simulant]
Holly: There is. (pause) All you've gotta do is hang around here for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.
Holly: There is. (pause) All you've gotta do is hang around here for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Lister takes the witness stand]
Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister: [looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: And who would you say feels most fondly for him?
Lister: Well, I do.
Kryten: And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Overruled.
Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister: [looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Kryten: And who would you say feels most fondly for him?
Lister: Well, I do.
Kryten: And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?
Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture!
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Overruled.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity —
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: Who allowed this man, this pathetic man, this man who could not outwit a used teabag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yogurt!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[The crew are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]
Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.
Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life. I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: You don't like Reggie Wilson? What? Not even "Pop Goes Delius" or "Funking Up Wagner"?
Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
Lister: I prefer something slightly more melodious, like the long, drawn-out death rattle of a man suffering from terminal flatulence.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: [in a scathing tone] I recognize you two. Weren't you two the double action centrefold in July's edition of "Big Boys in Boots"?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Skipper?
Ace: Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
Rimmer: Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
Ace: Thought he deserved a nickname, Skipper sounded good.
Rimmer: Ace and Skipper? You sound like a kids TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Who is this guy?
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.
Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother, both his sisters and ended up eating his son.
Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love, but most of us settle for pizza.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Rimmer tells Lister of his great "victory" leading the good droids against the fascist droids.]
Lister: How many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
Lister: How many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate. But at a rough guess, and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates, roundabout: none of them.
Lister: So you wiped out the entire population of this planet?
Rimmer: You make it sound so negative, Lister. Don't you see? The deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished.
Lister: No it isn't, pal. You're still here!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Death: Well, Sheriff, looks like it's just little old you.
Kryten: I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. My friends have bought enough time for me to complete the antidote program. So, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum-sucking molluscs!
Kryten: I'm not afraid, Mr Death, sir. My friends have bought enough time for me to complete the antidote program. So, if you'll forgive the confrontational imperative, go for your guns you scum-sucking molluscs!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: What, am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: we don't have any defensive shields. And two: we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw; but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick — let's get out of here before they bring him back!
Cat: Quick — let's get out of here before they bring him back!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor"?
Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Kryten: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!
Rimmer: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
The Inquisitor: Now then: justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well...first, I've -
The Inquisitor: Liar!
Rimmer: Well...first, I've -
The Inquisitor: Liar!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
The Inquisitor: Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
The Inquisitor: Well, that's true.
Cat: Can I go now?
The Inquisitor: That's your case?
Cat: You need more?
The Inquisitor: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!
The Inquisitor: Well, that's true.
Cat: Can I go now?
The Inquisitor: That's your case?
Cat: You need more?
The Inquisitor: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Okay. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."
Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants."
Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.
Kryten: Would you like the list, sir?
Rimmer: What list?
Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your three brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long-term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Kryten! Are you okay, man?
Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.
Rimmer: Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.
TV Show: Red Dwarf