Family Guy Quotes
Guy in chicken costume: The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K.
Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
TV Show: Family Guy
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
TV Show: Family Guy
Guy on Street #2: It's 3: 00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2: 15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
TV Show: Family Guy
Hooker: Hey
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!
Peter Griffin: Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement [they stand still]
Hooker: Where did you go?
TV Show: Family Guy
Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife... [out loud]
Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er... [sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin: ... son? [interviewer's shocked expression]
TV Show: Family Guy
Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty! [makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!
TV Show: Family Guy
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer!
Peter Griffin: It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.
TV Show: Family Guy
Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
TV Show: Family Guy
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem! [pause]
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Thank you.
TV Show: Family Guy
John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A 'B'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
TV Show: Family Guy
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.
TV Show: Family Guy
Judge: Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you never not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you have to say for yourself?
Peter Griffin: Babba booey, babba booey, Howard Stern's penis, Babba booey, babba booey.
TV Show: Family Guy
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
TV Show: Family Guy
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man! [pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed. [picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? [shouts]
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.
Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get? [really fast]
Peter Griffin: Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lisa McDonald: Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.
Ronald McDonald: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.
Lisa McDonald: But, Dad...
Ronald McDonald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
TV Show: Family Guy
Machine: You have 113 new messages [Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was. [beep]
Old Man: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. [beep]
Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. [beep]
Old Man: Where are you? [beep]
Old Man: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
TV Show: Family Guy
Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that [beep]
Man on TV: camera out of my face! [smashes the glass of the camera]
TV Show: Family Guy
Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.
TV Show: Family Guy
Old Woman: Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.
Stewie Griffin: And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
TV Show: Family Guy
Olivia: You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.
Stewie Griffin: Aha ha ha. Oh, gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And yet, you have taken that and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Cause... I'm here. God you're SO funny.
TV Show: Family Guy
Pablo: Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
TV Show: Family Guy
Pearl Burton: What is this, spit soup?
Brian: It's tomato bisque.
Pearl Burton: What is this, snot soup?
Brian: It's tomato bisque!
Pearl Burton: What is this, diarrhea soup?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter's Dad: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.
TV Show: Family Guy
Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill... [Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin]
Pillsbury Doughboy: Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!
TV Show: Family Guy
Police Officer: [after he brings Brian home from the streets; to Peter] And the fine is $10.00. [to Brian]
Police Officer: Now you behave yourself, little guy. Understand?
Brian Griffin: [sarcastically in a Southern voice] Oh Lordy, Lordy I'll never roam again! [Peter closes the door]
Brian Griffin: Jackass.
TV Show: Family Guy
Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
TV Show: Family Guy
Police Scanner: We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.
Brian Griffin: Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
TV Show: Family Guy
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin: I'll take it! [He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
TV Show: Family Guy
Psychiatrist: Does Stewie have a history of violence?
Lois Griffin: Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.
Stewie Griffin: Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.
TV Show: Family Guy