Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Hm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie, [holds up a leaf to Chris]
Stewie: and something very tasty for big, fat you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie: Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: [on the phone with his wife] Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?
Intern Interviewee: I guess so.
Tom Tucker: Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Intern Interviewee: I don't know.
Tom Tucker: Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie. [cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: Issgon' rain!
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard. [Peter trips over a skateboard]
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people. [they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston. [Tom and Diane stare in horror]
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire?
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie. [cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [as Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [as Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: [as Captain Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
TV Show: Family Guy
Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night. [Peter looks down in shame]
TV Show: Family Guy
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
TV Show: Family Guy
Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey!
TV Show: Family Guy
Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?
TV Show: Family Guy