Family Guy Quotes
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib? [clears throat]
Stewie Griffin: [reading] Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'. [short laugh]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar. [laughs]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's right, I went there. [cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. [everybody laughs]
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That's what they're for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs? [she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you got something to look at while you're talking to them [she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you're talking to them [laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am [inhales cigarette]
Stewie Griffin: and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then. [transparent Stewie clone #1]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone! [Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: Most certainly.
Brian Griffin: What year is it?
Chris Griffin: '51.
Peter Griffin: Ah.
Stewie Griffin: Delectable.
Brian Griffin: Indeed.
Chris Griffin: Yes.
Peter Griffin: [Peter bursts into flames] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin: What is it?
Peter Griffin: I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin: For the best.
Brian Griffin: Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin: Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans. [flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough! [laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin: [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back. [hops on Brian's back]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin: I don't believe this.
Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie: [talking over speaker] Welcome Man in White, I've been expecting you.
Cult Leader: W-who said that? Who's there?
Stewie: Peek-a-Boo, I see you! [Man in White walks to the closet]
Stewie: You're getting warmer... [Man in White opens closet door to discover a walkie talkie]
Cult Leader: Where are you? What do you want?
Stewie: Freedom! What do you want?
Cult Leader: I wanna get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death! [Stewie appears with a laser gun in his hand]
Cult Leader: What the hell is this?
Stewie: It's a boy. [Stewie fires at Man in White]
TV Show: Family Guy