Chef! Quotes
Gareth: NO! What is that?
Everton: This is hollandaise sauce Chef.
Gareth: What for?
Everton: For this Dover Sole.
Gareth: No, no, NO Everton! A little herb butter. What is the essance of cooking?
Everton: Ingredients? Timing? Cleanliness?
Gareth: Restraint. This Dover Sole needs that hollandaise sauce like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion.
Everton: This is hollandaise sauce Chef.
Gareth: What for?
Everton: For this Dover Sole.
Gareth: No, no, NO Everton! A little herb butter. What is the essance of cooking?
Everton: Ingredients? Timing? Cleanliness?
Gareth: Restraint. This Dover Sole needs that hollandaise sauce like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs a coat of brilliant white emulsion.
TV Show: Chef!
Janice: Those things he said about you when you came top at school when you were 9.
Gareth: Yes. (Jamaican Accent) Have to move de boy to a better school. The other children must be as thick as pig shit. (normal) Then when I won the sprint (Jamaican) Well he gets so much practise running away from an honest days work heh heh heh!
Gareth: Yes. (Jamaican Accent) Have to move de boy to a better school. The other children must be as thick as pig shit. (normal) Then when I won the sprint (Jamaican) Well he gets so much practise running away from an honest days work heh heh heh!
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: Everton lets get a few things straight here. I am Chef de Cuisine, this is MY kitchen.
Everton: Yes Chef.
Gareth: You have learnt all my recipes.
Everton: Well...
Gareth: Recipes which have won this place TWO Michelin stars and will remain your faithful stand bys all your cooking career.
Everton: Yes but...
Gareth: AND I'M NOT ALLOWED TO LEARN (Jamaican accent) UNCLE IVANS'S SECRET TO HIS DUMPLING?
Everton: He made me proimise on my honour sort of thing.
Gareth: EVERTON I AM NOT GOING TO TURN MY BACK IN MY OWN KITCHEN!!!
Everton: Yes Chef.
Gareth: You have learnt all my recipes.
Everton: Well...
Gareth: Recipes which have won this place TWO Michelin stars and will remain your faithful stand bys all your cooking career.
Everton: Yes but...
Gareth: AND I'M NOT ALLOWED TO LEARN (Jamaican accent) UNCLE IVANS'S SECRET TO HIS DUMPLING?
Everton: He made me proimise on my honour sort of thing.
Gareth: EVERTON I AM NOT GOING TO TURN MY BACK IN MY OWN KITCHEN!!!
TV Show: Chef!
Janice: How's it going?
Gareth: Everton's doing some wonderful things. His dumplings are a dream, his Guiness Punch is to die for. It's hell. Absolute hell, he's become such insufferably cocky little smartie pants I want to SMACK HIM IN THE GOB!! I HATE him, I wish I'd never heard of West Indian food.
Janice: Then don't do it.
Gareth: I MUST!!! My father is bringing his latest floozy Dorethy on this night out. She loves West Indian food and we will serve the finest the world has ever known, he won't be able to slag it off because she will be in ecstacies with every mouthful and he'll have to admit it's the best he's ever had. Tee hee. Stubborn little git!
Gareth: Everton's doing some wonderful things. His dumplings are a dream, his Guiness Punch is to die for. It's hell. Absolute hell, he's become such insufferably cocky little smartie pants I want to SMACK HIM IN THE GOB!! I HATE him, I wish I'd never heard of West Indian food.
Janice: Then don't do it.
Gareth: I MUST!!! My father is bringing his latest floozy Dorethy on this night out. She loves West Indian food and we will serve the finest the world has ever known, he won't be able to slag it off because she will be in ecstacies with every mouthful and he'll have to admit it's the best he's ever had. Tee hee. Stubborn little git!
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: Get me a large knife sharp like a razor. I have to castrate the person who made this sauce and I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering. It is imperative that the author of this atrocity is not allowed to breed any more.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: No need to worry about the health inspector coming, the shock would kill him on the spot. The bacteria under Everton’s section would consume him in seconds.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: God I love fishing. Well, obviously what I actually love is standing in cold water up to my goolies. That must be the appeal because I never see a fish, neverless catch one.
TV Show: Chef!
Gustave LaRoche: ALPHONSE!! Where is the sommelier? ALPHONSE!! Where is that frog? ALPHONSE!!
Alphonse: Oui, Chef.
Gustave LaRoche: Oh. Encore deux bouteilles de burgundy, s'il vous plait.
Alphonse: But you have had these bottles already.
Gustave LaRoche: Oi oi oi! Never mind what I have had or haven't had. Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout de suite.
Alphonse: But monsiuer, Chef said....
Gustave LaRoche: "Chef?" Chef? I'm "Chef!" Grand Massieur de Blackstock est away. Je am "Chef." And make it four bottles.
Alphonse: Uh...
Gustave LaRoche: Come on sunshine. Sûr votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles maintenant. Not le jour après next.
Alphonse: Oui, Chef.
Gustave LaRoche: Vive la France. He understands every word I say.
Alphonse: Oui, Chef.
Gustave LaRoche: Oh. Encore deux bouteilles de burgundy, s'il vous plait.
Alphonse: But you have had these bottles already.
Gustave LaRoche: Oi oi oi! Never mind what I have had or haven't had. Fetch us up a couple of bottles tout de suite.
Alphonse: But monsiuer, Chef said....
Gustave LaRoche: "Chef?" Chef? I'm "Chef!" Grand Massieur de Blackstock est away. Je am "Chef." And make it four bottles.
Alphonse: Uh...
Gustave LaRoche: Come on sunshine. Sûr votre bicyclette, eh? Quatre bouteilles maintenant. Not le jour après next.
Alphonse: Oui, Chef.
Gustave LaRoche: Vive la France. He understands every word I say.
TV Show: Chef!
Janice: (to Gareth) This child of yours, it's going to be the male version of the immaculate birth, is it?
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: The partridge I want is one which has eaten wild food and lived a wild life, has struggled, hoped and dreamed, has sown wild oats, has tasted the bitter disappointment of middle age, and knows what it is to eyeball The Grim Reaper in the watches of the night; the partridge sunk in the veil of years, with all the flavors of its rich eventful life captured in its texture, it’s juice, its very flesh. I do not want this callow, milk-fed, adolescent, uncouth, undeveloped wodge of protein. I don’t believe in eating virgins! THIS partridge.
Everton: Yeah that's right Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: This partridge on the other hand.
Everton: Got its leg well over I shouldn't wonder.
Everton: Yeah that's right Chef.
Gareth Blackstock: This partridge on the other hand.
Everton: Got its leg well over I shouldn't wonder.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: Yes, out. You remember out. You go through this door, the temperature drops suddenly and the scenery changes.
TV Show: Chef!
Gaston: Hello Rosbif.
Everton: Not here mate, try another kitchen.
Gaston: You have to start boiling your vegetables now or they will not be soggy and tastless in time.
Everton: Who's Rosbif?
Gareth: We are Everton.
Everton: You mean they call us Rosbifs like we call them fr...
Gareth: Everton, don't stoop to their level.
Gaston: So what you do Rosbifs? Le grey bouf with ze soft cabbage and ze Rice Pudding with ze nice lumps? [rads menu] Wine sauce?
Gareth: That's right.
Gaston: But what is this wine?
Gareth: I'm sure you've heard of it it's an alcoholic drink made with fermented grapes.
Gaston: But you must use ingredients anglais monsuir.
Everton: It is english monsuir.
Gaston: What is english?
Gareth: Having trouble with the old second tongue are we IT is english wine.
Gaston: Le vin anglais? [laughs] Le vin Rosbif? My friend you have won this contest already no one else has this great advantage.
Everton: Not here mate, try another kitchen.
Gaston: You have to start boiling your vegetables now or they will not be soggy and tastless in time.
Everton: Who's Rosbif?
Gareth: We are Everton.
Everton: You mean they call us Rosbifs like we call them fr...
Gareth: Everton, don't stoop to their level.
Gaston: So what you do Rosbifs? Le grey bouf with ze soft cabbage and ze Rice Pudding with ze nice lumps? [rads menu] Wine sauce?
Gareth: That's right.
Gaston: But what is this wine?
Gareth: I'm sure you've heard of it it's an alcoholic drink made with fermented grapes.
Gaston: But you must use ingredients anglais monsuir.
Everton: It is english monsuir.
Gaston: What is english?
Gareth: Having trouble with the old second tongue are we IT is english wine.
Gaston: Le vin anglais? [laughs] Le vin Rosbif? My friend you have won this contest already no one else has this great advantage.
TV Show: Chef!
Health Inspector: You have a cracked tile on your wall, Mr. Blackstock. It was there last month.
Gareth Blackstock: A cracked tile?
Health Inspector: Just above the skirting board.
Gareth Blackstock: Should I evacuate the building?
Health Inspector: Just have it replaced by next time.
Gareth Blackstock: Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientele?
Health Inspector: Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.
Gareth Blackstock: Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.
Health Inspector: That's so Mr. Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.
Gareth Blackstock: What...?
Health Inspector: As from next year...
Gareth Blackstock: You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!
Health Inspector: Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.
Gareth Blackstock: Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!
Winky Waterman: Gareth Henry Blackstock?
Gareth Blackstock: I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.
Winky Waterman: Gareth Henry Blackstock...
Gareth Blackstock: I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!
Winky Waterman: My name is...
Gareth Blackstock: Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the groutin
Gareth Blackstock: A cracked tile?
Health Inspector: Just above the skirting board.
Gareth Blackstock: Should I evacuate the building?
Health Inspector: Just have it replaced by next time.
Gareth Blackstock: Just tell me how is a cracked tile going to wipe out my clientele?
Health Inspector: Bacteria collects in the cracks. Food may come into contact with it.
Gareth Blackstock: Ah, but bacteria may collect in the grout, all over the kitchen. They've got us surrounded, these bacteria.
Health Inspector: That's so Mr. Blackstock. Which is why, as from next year, it will no longer be acceptable.
Gareth Blackstock: What...?
Health Inspector: As from next year...
Gareth Blackstock: You don't mean they're going to outlaw grouting?!
Health Inspector: Exactly. Continuous impervious surfacing will be mandatory.
Gareth Blackstock: Well that's it isn't it, really? I mean that's the bottom line. That's what you people want, all over the planet: continuous impervious surfacing. Only trouble is, if it ever did break, health inspectors would collect in the cracks!
Winky Waterman: Gareth Henry Blackstock?
Gareth Blackstock: I am indeed, and I'm in the middle of service. So, if you don't vacate my kitchen immediately, I'll serve some warm cheese on a wooden chopping board and you won't see the morning.
Winky Waterman: Gareth Henry Blackstock...
Gareth Blackstock: I'll set my cracked tile loose on you!
Winky Waterman: My name is...
Gareth Blackstock: Problems with the hearing, eh? There's the door. You: walk through it, closey-closey after you. Otherwise, blood everywhere. Even in the groutin
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: Once this gadget is in the salmon, they can track it to study fish migration. I mean they can follow salmon now from a helicopter. They have made many remarkable discoveries, but even so they were very surprised when they detected a mature salmon traveling at 58 miles an hour down the A40. I think it was then that they perhaps thought something other than fish hormones might be at work.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: (to Everton) I pay you what you're worth. How could you possibly afford a flat?
TV Show: Chef!
Policeman: I've applied to be on Masterchef. I even met Lloyd Grossman once.
Gareth Blackstock: Well don't worry we won't tell anyone.
Gareth Blackstock: Well don't worry we won't tell anyone.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth Blackstock: [Seeing Everton's interview in Gastronomy]AH! AHHHHH!!
Janice: What?
Gareth Blackstock: No, no no. It's too much. What have I done? Look at this.
Janice: [Reading article] My GOD!
Gareth Blackstock: He dies. Everton Stonehead RIP. Two years being a useless pain in the arse in my kitchen and now this. I mean look at it. It's not a person it's a smirk on legs and listen to this. 'I do feel the restraints of not having my own kitchen and having to conform to a DATED AND RESTRICTED CUISINE!!!
Janice: Now Gareth don't sack him straight away.
Gareth Blackstock: I'm not going to sack him straight away. I'm going to KILL him straight away. Slowly and wickedly revealing a hiterto unsuspected sadistic streak in my psycological makeup.
Janice: Unsuspected?
Gareth Blackstock: THEN I'll sack him. Ammending his P45 to his mutalated remains so only his nearest and dearest can identify him.
Janice: Gareth.
Gareth Blackstock: Forget it Janice. The only possible response to this is gross physical damage. Hot Chef's, signature dishes and now DATED AND RESTRICTED CUISINE? I must be allowed the sight of his blood outside his body. God would agree, there is no other way.
Janice: What?
Gareth Blackstock: No, no no. It's too much. What have I done? Look at this.
Janice: [Reading article] My GOD!
Gareth Blackstock: He dies. Everton Stonehead RIP. Two years being a useless pain in the arse in my kitchen and now this. I mean look at it. It's not a person it's a smirk on legs and listen to this. 'I do feel the restraints of not having my own kitchen and having to conform to a DATED AND RESTRICTED CUISINE!!!
Janice: Now Gareth don't sack him straight away.
Gareth Blackstock: I'm not going to sack him straight away. I'm going to KILL him straight away. Slowly and wickedly revealing a hiterto unsuspected sadistic streak in my psycological makeup.
Janice: Unsuspected?
Gareth Blackstock: THEN I'll sack him. Ammending his P45 to his mutalated remains so only his nearest and dearest can identify him.
Janice: Gareth.
Gareth Blackstock: Forget it Janice. The only possible response to this is gross physical damage. Hot Chef's, signature dishes and now DATED AND RESTRICTED CUISINE? I must be allowed the sight of his blood outside his body. God would agree, there is no other way.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: What a DISASTER.
Janice: I know.
Gareth: In my own restaurant. This is all your fault.
Janice: That's right blame me.
Gareth: Well I do blame you. Give him a little rope you said, now look what's happend.
Janice: I KNOW!
Gareth: Everything absolutly...perfect!
Janice: I know.
Gareth: In my own restaurant. This is all your fault.
Janice: That's right blame me.
Gareth: Well I do blame you. Give him a little rope you said, now look what's happend.
Janice: I KNOW!
Gareth: Everything absolutly...perfect!
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: Gaston if you do not hop it tout suite I will frape votre teeth so far down votre gorge, you will be able to mange avec your derriere as well as parlezing out of it.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: ALPHONSE! Where's Alphonse? I want him here at once alive and I want him in chains. ALPHONSE?
Alphonse: Oui Chef?
Gareth: I am not a wine expert Alphonse but even I have no trouble identifying rats piss when I taste it and this isn't even VINTAGE rats piss. If I were running Gazza'a Fish Shop as so many people here seem to think I am, I wouldn't let my customers shake this over their chips. The person who thinks this is good enough to cook with is a grap brained MILLIEWIT!
Alphonse: Oui Chef?
Gareth: I am not a wine expert Alphonse but even I have no trouble identifying rats piss when I taste it and this isn't even VINTAGE rats piss. If I were running Gazza'a Fish Shop as so many people here seem to think I am, I wouldn't let my customers shake this over their chips. The person who thinks this is good enough to cook with is a grap brained MILLIEWIT!
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: Four Partridge. One WELL DONE. Debrough, ruin a partridge for me please. Dry it out destroy its texture, spoil its taste. Wantanly cast its very partridgeness to the four winds to satisfy this barbarian, this visigoth, this viking who has presumably ordered it because the knowlwdge that I am weeping in the kitchen brings him pleasure.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: That's right Everton put the eggs and the olive oil on the seat under everything else. That way by the time we get there if we're lucky the mayonaise will have made itself.
TV Show: Chef!
Gareth: Everybody this is Reeny.
Renée: Renée.
Gareth: I'm sorry?
Renée: It's not Reeny is Renée, there's an accent abouve the second e. Renée.
Gareth: I see. What a faux-pas.
Renée: That's alright, it's an easy mistake to have made but it's Renée.
Gareth: And I expect you really hate being called Reeney.
Renée: Loath it. My friends at finishing school used to tease me about it all the time.
Gareth: I see how awful for you. I do appologise.
Renée: Apology accepted.
Gareth: Everybody this is...you sure this is ok?
Renée: Yes, fine.
Gareth: This is REENY. REENY is going to be helping us out here in the kitchen (northen accent)en't that right lass? REENY will in time no doubt become a valued member of the kitchen staff but seeing as REENY is not as yet expearienced, I want you to make sure REENY learns the ropes as I'm sure she wants to. (northen accent)Eee there's nowt so funny as folk en't that right Reeny?
Renée: Renée.
Gareth: I'm sorry?
Renée: It's not Reeny is Renée, there's an accent abouve the second e. Renée.
Gareth: I see. What a faux-pas.
Renée: That's alright, it's an easy mistake to have made but it's Renée.
Gareth: And I expect you really hate being called Reeney.
Renée: Loath it. My friends at finishing school used to tease me about it all the time.
Gareth: I see how awful for you. I do appologise.
Renée: Apology accepted.
Gareth: Everybody this is...you sure this is ok?
Renée: Yes, fine.
Gareth: This is REENY. REENY is going to be helping us out here in the kitchen (northen accent)en't that right lass? REENY will in time no doubt become a valued member of the kitchen staff but seeing as REENY is not as yet expearienced, I want you to make sure REENY learns the ropes as I'm sure she wants to. (northen accent)Eee there's nowt so funny as folk en't that right Reeny?
TV Show: Chef!