Two and a Half Men Quotes
Evelyn: As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3: 30.
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3: 30.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[at the shoe store]
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
Alan: How do they feel?
Jake: OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.
Alan: They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.
Charlie: Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Indian doctor: We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
Charlie: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
Charlie: That was different.
Alan: How?
Charlie: It was you.
Alan: Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.
Charlie: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
Charlie: That was different.
Alan: How?
Charlie: It was you.
Alan: Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.
Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.
Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
Charlie: All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan[to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.
Charlie: All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan[to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Where are you going?
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta[sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta[sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Linda: Thank you for a lovely dinner.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12: 05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12: 05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose look-alike #3: [knocks on the door]
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan[rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Alan[rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]
Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
Alan: I'm not talking to you.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?
Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan[to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?
Alan: [to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
Charlie: I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
Alan: I'm not talking to you.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Alan: Would you please just... go to sleep?
Charlie: Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan[to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Charlie: Will you make up your freaking mind?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]
Alan: Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then I don't need to see it.
Alan: Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then I don't need to see it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]
Jake: Where are we going?
Alan: You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.
Jake: Where are we going?
Alan: You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men