Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.
Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.
Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.
Alan: Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!
Charlie: I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.
Alan: Wow, I'm impressed!
Charlie: That I'm growing up?
Alan: No, that you can so easily lie to my face.
Alan: Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!
Charlie: I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.
Alan: Wow, I'm impressed!
Charlie: That I'm growing up?
Alan: No, that you can so easily lie to my face.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.
Charlie: Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
Alan: Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?
Charlie: Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.
Charlie: Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
Alan: Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?
Charlie: Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?
Alan: Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.
Alan: Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Miss Pasternak[to Charlie]: How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!
Jake: He drinks.
Jake: He drinks.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[at the strip club]
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
Charlie: Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?
Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Miss Pasternak: Jake, I have wonderful news: From now on, as part of each lesson, we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. [to Alan]: It's the Devil that's making him stupid.
Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.
Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Charlie: Yes, but not your own.
Jake: I told you it wasn't my fault.
Alan: Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, wh-- while I'm thrilled that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?
Alan: Depends. Do they have a college prep program?
Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice. [laughs]
Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?
Charlie: Yes, but not your own.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day! [points upward] And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance! So, chop chop, washy washy! [leaves]
Charlie: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!
Charlie: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Boy can I pick'em!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
(In Church)
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
Charlie: Why do you keep staring at me?
Berta: I just don't wanna miss the part when you burst into flames.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
Alan: They're fighting?
Jake: Yep. Thirty-one.
Charlie: Thirty-one?
Jake: It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
Charlie: I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.
Alan: They're fighting?
Jake: Yep. Thirty-one.
Charlie: Thirty-one?
Jake: It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
Charlie: I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Charlie: Other side.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Herb: Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Charlie: Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Herb: Well, it worked out great.
Charlie: Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
Herb: No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Charlie: Is that so?
Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
Charlie: Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Herb: Well, it worked out great.
Charlie: Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
Herb: No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Charlie: Is that so?
Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah.
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
Herb: I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
Charlie: I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
Herb: What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Charlie: Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.
Charlie: Yeah.
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
Herb: I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
Charlie: I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
Herb: What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Charlie: Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!
Alan: Fourth? What are the other…never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're… [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] …back to square one in dealing with the PTA car…nival.
Charlie: What?
Alan: The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves][softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Jake: Sounds lame.
Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]
Alan: Fourth? What are the other…never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're… [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] …back to square one in dealing with the PTA car…nival.
Charlie: What?
Alan: The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves][softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Jake: Sounds lame.
Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
TV commercial announcer: So when the moment's right and she's ready, you'll be ready, too. Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
Charlie: She'd better be ready to call an ambulance.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Judith's changed, Charlie. She's…she's a different woman.
Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?
Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!
Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?
Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.
Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.
Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.
Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.
Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: "So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan[scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.
Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?
Charlie: What about porta-potties?
Alan[scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.
Charlie: I have.
Alan: You've gone in the trunk of your car?
Charlie: No, yours. [leaves]
Alan: That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie: With your tongue?
Jake: Pretty cool, huh?
Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
Jake: But I'm bored.
Alan: Go read a book.
Jake: I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Playing 'Smoke on the Water'
Charlie: With your tongue?
Jake: Pretty cool, huh?
Charlie: That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!
Alan: Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.
Jake: But I'm bored.
Alan: Go read a book.
Jake: I don't wanna read a book.
Charlie: Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.
Alan: I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.
Charlie: You know, you're taking the fun out of this!
Alan: I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.
Charlie: You know, you're taking the fun out of this!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What's so interesting over there?
Jake: Nothing.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.
Jake: Nothing.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men