Muppets Tonight Quotes

Clifford: I've always wanted to have my own show. Man, this is great! So when does it start?
Kermit the Frog: In about thirty seconds. [Clifford faints]

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Polly: I hear you've been having some problems.
Clueless: It's my wife's sister. She's eating me out of house and home.
Polly: Ate all the groceries, huh?
Clueless: No, she ate my house which of course is my home!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Quasibobo: Oh, Andie, what are you doing up there?
Andie: I'm not exactly sure. I told the writers I wanted to play a Southern Belle, not a Cathedral bell.
Quasibobo: Oh, those writers!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
The Great Gonzo: Here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn and The Single Duck in the City with his Apartment Full of Friends. And for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-Flies...
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me Gonzo, but TBA means to be announced which means we don't have a show for tonight!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Waldorf: Nurse, there's something wrong with this TV.
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It's on!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Clifford: If you're a human bein',
Take a break from the race.
Take a load off your feet,
Wipe the look off your face.
Got a lot to do,
And we do it for you;
Everybody take your place!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Clifford: Oh it's the night,
Chorus: [counterpoint] You're gonna see something never seen,
Clifford: Tonight's the night!
Chorus: [counterpoint] you're gonna hear things that never been

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Clifford: We got a show for you,
Guaranteed brand new,
All: Here come the Muppets Tonight!
Clifford: Yeah.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
All: We got a show for you,
Guaranteed brand new,
Here come the Muppets
Here come the Muppets,
Here come the Muppets Tonight!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Kermit: And here is Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs! Take it away Gonzo.
Gonzo: Thank you very much, Kermit! Let's see, here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn, ...
Rizzo: that's my favourite one.
Gonzo: ...and the Single Duck in the City and his apartment full of friends...
Rizzo I got one too.
Gonzo: ...and for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-flies...
Kermit: Ahr... er.. 'x... 'xcuse me, but TBA means 'To be Announced', which means... We don't have a show for tonight.
Gonzo: [Freaking out] What? No show? Oh, no, that's terrible! [resumes "normally" after a pause] Okay, on Saturday we have...

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Kermit: Congratulations, Clifford, you got your own show
Clifford: [into the phone] Hold on, baby! [to Kermit] My Own show? I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So, so when does it start?
Kermit: Ooh, in about thirty seconds.
Clifford: [into the phone] I call you back. Iuh![faints]

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Clifford: I'm Clifford, your homey made of foamy!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[There is no opening act]
Gonzo: Clifford, your problems are solved: I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off.
Clifford: Well, put 'em on, man!
Gonzo: [looks down] Your socks?
Clifford: No! The act, the act!
Gonzo: Oh, yes, okay. [clears throat] Muppets Tonight is proud to present: François Fromage and his dancing cheeses! Give it up, Give it up!
Clifford: It better be Gouda! What? Too cheesy?

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me, but what are you doing to my office?
Ernst Stavros Grouper: It's not your office anymore. Now that I'm in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.
Kermit the Frog: Er, my name is Kermit.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: That's one of the changes, from now on you are Virgil the Monkey.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Ernst Stavros Grouper: [upon seeing the Two Homies of Verona] This is trash. There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all!
Kermit the Frog: That's not very nice.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, this is not very nice: Beavis, intimidate them!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Miss Piggy offers her services]
Clifford: You're really gonna do our show? We', that's great! But, but I thought you were busy doing infomercials.
Miss Piggy: [repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!
Redshirt: [Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo... [Miss Piggy eliminates him]
Miss Piggy: Hahahah, haah.
Infomercial: And not only do my Pigwig hair extentions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but... they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself!
Miss Piggy: Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Clifford has foolishly agreed to hire Andy and Randy Pig, two nephews of Miss Piggy]
Clifford: So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?
Andy & Randy: This job is too hard!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]
Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It's on! [both laugh]

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Next week: Elvis of Arabia]
Elvis of Arabia: Dang, it's hot out here!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Clifford is still a bit dizzy from his last encounter with Miss Piggy]
Clifford: Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number, from The Sound of Music... number.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy perform The Sound of Music]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [to children] I'm going to sing you a song. [to Miss Piggy] In key.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Andy and Randy are answering the phone]
Andy: What? The winner of what?! $14,000,000!?!?! Well, no, thank you. We cannot count that high.
Clifford: Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe that you just turned down $14,000,000!
Andy: Oh, we didn't. It was for you.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
Clifford: Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?
Bobo: Well, I dunno, shes not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Bobo answers the phone]
Bobo: Homicide, how can I help you?
Mad Bomber: Allright, man. Listen and listen good.
Bobo: Okay.
Mad Bomber: There's a bomb in your studio.
Bobo: Oh, I know: I read this week's script too. [laughs] Have, have a good day, sir! [puts phone down. The mad bomber tries again]
Mad Bomber: Don't hang up again!!!
Bobo: Ok, whatever you say, sir:
Mad Bomber: Now, listen to me, and listen carefully!
Bobo: Ok.
Mad Bomber: I have something very important to tell you!
Bobo: Oh, ah, eh, Should I write this down?
Mad Bomber: Yes, it's important!
Bobo: Okay, eh, well, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir! I need to find a pencil.
Mad Bomber: Hey, no! [gets put on hold]

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Seinfeld Babies]
Jerry: I don't understand the concept of changin. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[A bomb will explode if ratings drop below 50]
Seymour: Hey, hey, hey, put us on, we've got an act!
Rizzo: Are we that desperate?
Rizzo and Gonzo: Yes, go, go, go, come on!
Pepe: Hahahah, Richard...
[Seymour and Pepe perform their song for the first time on the air]
Seymour: I'm Seymour.
Pepe: I'm Pepe.
Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.
Pepe: I'm a little bit forward,
Seymour: and I've got a big behind.
Pepe: Hey, Seymour, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Seymour: Gee, Pepe, I don't know.
Pepe: Ela-if I-know. [Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny]

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express]
Mr. Poodlepants: Help, help! I've been murderized!
Kermit: Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants! [...] There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!
Hercule Poirot: [French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.
Bobo: Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?
Hercule Poirot: Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.
Fozzy: But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.
Hercule Poirot: I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.
Fozzy: Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.
Bobo: Shht. Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the train tracks and tie em around your neck.
Hercule Poirot: Yes. I might, if I was Hercules, which I am not. Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.
Bunsen: Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation. [...] What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?
Hercule Poirot: [Normal voice] Allright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules. And third of all, you canno

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[From the files of Fairyland PD]
Officer Al: Some broad named Locks, Goldie Locks, she has barricaded herself in the three bears' house, and she got demands.
Detective Bobo: What kinda demands?
Officer Al: They keep changin', sometimes the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold, the bed's too hard, the bed's too soft, you know how it is with dames!
Detective Bobo: [after Goldie Locks hits him on the head with a frying pan] I think this calls for a little undercover work. [Puts on glasses] Yeah.
Clifford: Oh, no, Bobo, she'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
Detective Bobo: We'll see. Yoohoo, miss Locks!
Goldie Locks: Say, er, you're not the bear that was here before, you're a... completely different bear.
Detective Bobo: That's right!
Goldie Locks: I'll be right back.
Detective Bobo: [singing] I told you, I told you!
Goldie Locks: Oh, yoohoo, oh, completely different bear!
Detective Bobo: Yes? [Goldie hits him on the head with a frying pan] Ow, ow, argh!
Clifford: [singing] I told you, I told you, I told you!

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Miss Piggy is delayed]
Clifford: Heh, heh, man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing them out there!
Zippety: My baby!
Clifford: We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
Rizzo the Rat: Let's just hope Mis Piggy doesn't figure that out. [cut to Miss Piggy in limo]
Miss Piggy Whoopi's doing great, she's killing them out there! They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope that Clifford doesn't figure that out.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight
[Prince tries to get by Bobo, the security guard]
Bobo the Bear: Ahuh, and your name, sir?
TAFKAP: [sideways into the camera] Ah, this is going to be fun! [to Bobo] I'm The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Bobo the Bear: Oooo, and I am The Bear Currently Known As Not Amused!
Bobo the Bear: Now, er, how would your name appear on my list here?
TAFKAP: [shows The Symbol] like this!
Bobo the Bear: Ooh, ok, Dr. Rorschach, I'll play along. I see my mother and a butterfly doing a mambo on an orange.
TAFKAP: Just check the list, fool!
Bobo the Bear: Pretty mouthy for a guy with no name.

TV Show: Muppets Tonight