Top Gear Quotes
[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board]
Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.
Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the MG SV.]
Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.
Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.
Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jason: ...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
Jeremy: Yeah...
Jason: ...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
Jeremy: Yeah...
Jason: ...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Bugatti Veyron.]
Jeremy: A thousand horse power!
Richard: That is an astonishing amount of power.
Jeremy: You'll go from nought to the grave in 4 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.
Jeremy: A thousand horse power!
Richard: That is an astonishing amount of power.
Jeremy: You'll go from nought to the grave in 4 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On his Bentley T2] I've got furniture that handles better than this thing!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and—
Richard: Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because—
Jeremy: It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Richard: Things I wish I'd never said...
Richard: Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because—
Jeremy: It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Richard: Things I wish I'd never said...
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Smart Roadster's transmission]
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta— I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta— I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Smart Roadster]
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Introducing guest Vinnie Jones.]
Jeremy: He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight and occasionally during that fight a game of football might break out.
Jeremy: He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight and occasionally during that fight a game of football might break out.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now as I understand it you still hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football, don't you? Cause it's five seconds wasn't it?
Vinnie: Yeah, this was... I ran on and it was like a minute.
Jeremy: No, you've done it in five seconds, that's quicker than a minute.
Vinnie: Well no, 'bout a second actually. Mostly came on...
Jeremy: One second?
Vinnie: Yeah.
Jeremy: See, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist I have to admit, how do you reach an opposing player to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?
Vinnie: Yeah, this was... I ran on and it was like a minute.
Jeremy: No, you've done it in five seconds, that's quicker than a minute.
Vinnie: Well no, 'bout a second actually. Mostly came on...
Jeremy: One second?
Vinnie: Yeah.
Jeremy: See, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist I have to admit, how do you reach an opposing player to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.
Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set]
Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?
Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera]
James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.
James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!
Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!
Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."
Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!
Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
Richard: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
Richard: But it is a turbo.
Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"
Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
Richard: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
Richard: But it is a turbo.
Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Alpina Z8]
Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.
[...]
Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get a wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.
[...]
Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.
Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.
[...]
Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get a wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.
[...]
Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up sandwich close to camera] is a bacon sandwich. And this [removes the top half to show the vehicle] is a car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. Not a lot of people know that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]
Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?
Richard: I have, yes.
Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car?
Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically.
Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.
Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.
James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.
Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?
Richard: I have, yes.
Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car?
Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically.
Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.
Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.
James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.
TV Show: Top Gear
[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.
TV Show: Top Gear