Top Gear Quotes
[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.
Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Sir Michael Gambon]
Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.
Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.
Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf!, punches you in the face, no warning. This, though... it's got understeer! It's telling me, it's saying, "I gotta let you know, you're gettin' on my nerves a little bit." It hasn't lost the lairiness, but it's just been to anger management.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.
Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?
Jeremy: What is it?
James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.
Richard: And that's it.
James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.
Richard: And why is that so good?
Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much?
James: Do you really want me to do it?
Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine...
James: OK. It's a rubbish car.
Richard: That's incisive.
James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -
Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!
Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?
Jeremy: What is it?
James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.
Richard: And that's it.
James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.
Richard: And why is that so good?
Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much?
James: Do you really want me to do it?
Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine...
James: OK. It's a rubbish car.
Richard: That's incisive.
James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -
Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
James and Richard: [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy: The new SLR.
Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."
Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
James and Richard: [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy: The new SLR.
Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Volkswagen Phaeton]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.
[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]
Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.
Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.
[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]
Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: I like luxury. It's the new performance.
[...]
Jeremy: Now this is what I call shock and awe.
[...]
Jeremy: Now this is what I call shock and awe.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Overfinch-modified Range Rover]
Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.
Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the BMW 5-series]
James: Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.
James: Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after James's 5-series film]
Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James: It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James: Rubbish.
[...]
James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James: Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy: No.
James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy: Uh, no.
James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy: I might!
James: No you wouldn't.
Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy: No.
James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James: It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James: Rubbish.
[...]
James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James: Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy: No.
James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy: Uh, no.
James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy: I might!
James: No you wouldn't.
Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy: No.
James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the diesel VW Lupo]
Jeremy: No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.
Jeremy: No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.
TV Show: Top Gear
[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
TV Show: Top Gear
James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars.
Richard: This is true. We do.
Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."
Richard: No we don't.
Richard: This is true. We do.
Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."
Richard: No we don't.
TV Show: Top Gear
[reading viewer mail]
Richard: "Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!
Richard: "Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!
TV Show: Top Gear
[discovering that his SL55's remote unlocker works from further away if he holds it against his temple]
Jeremy: What have I done to my head?!
Jeremy: What have I done to my head?!
TV Show: Top Gear
[watching a video of automotive tomfoolery from Saudi Arabia]
Jeremy: This is what happens when you don't let people drink.
Jeremy: This is what happens when you don't let people drink.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Porsche 996 GT3]
Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.
Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle]
Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.
[...]
Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
[...]
Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways!
[...]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.
Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.
[...]
Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
[...]
Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways!
[...]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.
TV Show: Top Gear