The Venture Bros. Quotes

#24: Seriously, ask me any question.
#21: Okay, what's the meaning of life?
#24: The color twelve.
#21: Really?!
#24: No, idiot! Ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork.
#21: Do we have souls?
#24: Yeah. Well, not quite souls but, it's a general idea. Everything has a soul.
#21: Crap. So I guess I should become a vegetarian?
#24: No. Like everything living has a soul. Even spinach. You can't win.
#21: Oh, so that's ... the problem.
#24: Here's something. You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their "soul"? It turns out you don't get a soul till' you're like one.
#21: So weird. One? Really?!
#24: Or maybe six months, I forget. Anyway, you're just this crying ... pooing ... monster blob till you get your soul.
#21: That's amazing, I should tell everybody! People need to know about this!
#24: Oh definitely, and maybe you should write it all down on a golden plate, or maybe get some aviators and a compound in Guyana-
#21: Okay, I get it. Dude, I barely believe you're real. I mean, if there were ghosts, they'd be freakin' everywhere
#24: Eh, not necessarily. You can only haunt someone you were close to, (voice echos) in life.
#21: And you chose me? Out of everything, you chose me?
#24: Uh, before you get all teary-eyed, I could only choose between you, and a cocoon that is constantly getting blown up.
#21: Still, you could've-
#24: Or Beth Seten. But she's not fifteen anymore so she probably doesn't like me (voice echos again) "that way".

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: Damn it Shore Leave, you’ve ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I’m the one who has to sew this back together, you clown.
[Brock laughs]
Col. Gathers: What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood stains on everything?
Brock: You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chip’n’Dales firemen, every time.
Col. Gathers: Good god, why?
Shore Leave: For one, because it looks super-cool.
Col. Gathers: You’re an infant.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: 24? Hey, 24? Dude?
#24: Yes, my master. What is this, I Dream of Jeannie? What do you want?
#21: I need you to check the Venture Compound and deactivate the alarms.
#24: I’m not a poltergeist, I can’t move stuff. But I’ll take a look around if you do that thing for a couple of my new friends.
#21: Oh, come on! OK fine, quickly. I’m in a hurry.
#24: This is Speedy, you remember him, and this is President Woodrow Wilson. They bet me you couldn’t do it.
Woodrow Wilson: Velvet Hour!
#21: Kate Moss, easy.
#24: Still!
#21: Jennifer Lopez.
Speedy: Covet!
#21: Sarah Jessica Parker, and she also has Lovely, Twilight and Dawn. And a whole bunch more.
Woodrow Wilson: Astonishing, he’s like the Rainman of the celebrity signature perfume. UNSCRIPTED!
#21: Patrick Dempsey. I know it’s insane. And Tim McGraw and Carlos Santana also them.
#24: Alright you guys, I win. Looks like you have to tell Helen-of-Troy how awesome I am.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: Brock Samson, at last we meet.
Brock: Do I know you?
#21: Don’t pull that shit with me. [#21 displays his fighting acrobatics] I don’t know why your here and I don’t care. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a year.
Brock: Boo!
[#24 hits Brock in the face]
Brock: Ah, very nice. Somebody's been training.
#21: This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike and meeting the cast of Firefly all-in-one. Let’s go. Come on Samson, bring it.
Brock: OK tubbs, let see what else you got.
[#21 kicks Brock but he blocks it and then hits #21 to the ground]
Brock: You didn’t think I was gonna take it easy on you, did ya?
#21: I was fucking praying you wouldn’t. You gotta bring it.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: [on King Gorilla] He looks like a gorilla suit with nobody in it—wearing David Byrne's Stop Making Sense suit.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: We are getting hammered out there! Sgt. Hatred does not share Brock's aversion to firearms, and now even their robot's packing heat! We need body armor.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, what's that you're wearing?
#21: I had to buy this myself online! I'm out-of-pocket an AT-AT Walker, two Greedos, and a Landspeeder. And not everyone here has Star Wars duplicates to sell on eBay. Half these guys weren't even born when Empire came out, and the rest are barely making minimum wage!
Henchman: You guys get paid?
#21: And another thing—retractable wings. I mean, this is ridiculous! These things are just big, clumsy, orange kill-me signs in the battlefield, and it's not like it's any better when we get back here. Every doorway in this cocoon is tapered at the arch.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, we're not changing any doors, but we'll take the wing thing under consideration.
#21: I have a better solution, and I've brought some visual aids. Big-screen! [A big monitor is lowered, giving the following presentation] Gentlemen, and lady, I give you the henchman of the future. The Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit. Made of flexible poly-alloy, they are lightweight, fireproof, and bulletproof. In keeping with our insect theme, the turbo-hydraulic exoskeleton increases the wearer's strength and agility tenfold. But it's not all about defense. The Mark-V also boasts an impressive array of offensive weapons, including grappling spears, gas-propelled rockets and 25-millimeter heat-seeking, fire-and-forget missiles all controlled via heads-up display built right into the state-of-the-art helmet.
Dr. Girlfriend: Which reminds me—people, I'm told you're using too much bandwidth, so if you're not using the Internet for official...
#21: Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey! Wait a minute! What about my Mighty Monarch Mark-V Henchsuit?!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh, come

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?"

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Sgt. Hatred: Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?
Master Billy Quizboy: You mean an MRI.
Sgt. Hatred: Oh.
Master Billy Quizboy: But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?
Hank: An aeronaut! And an armored bear!
Master Billy Quizboy: A submarine!
Hank: Also good.
Dean: We've got one—the X-3
Pete White: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old clich.
Master Billy Quizboy: Cliche nothing! It is a classic!
Pete White: Innerspace is not a classic!
Master Billy Quizboy: That's, like, a great film!
Pete White: Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?
Master Billy Quizboy: They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: No, a thousand times no. I’m not letting those clowns shrink my $40 million secretly funded submarine to go fight the fucking cavity creeps.
Hank: Then when our father dies, are you guys prepare to adopt us?
Col. Gathers: No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion. Samson, what part of secret underground headquarters that square-head of yours fail to rock!
Brock: Look, they live next door, what am I suppose to do?
Col. Gathers: Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you.
Brock: They discover us every other week. I can’t keep doing that, its starting to make them buggy. Listen to this. Dean, what day is today?
Dean: Sagittarius
Brock: Good! Now Hank, what color is my tongue?
Hank: It’s kind of... Wednesday! Like a light Wednesday.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Phantom Limb: [To his two remaining invisible limbs]Armando...Legtenant Shankley...good to have you back!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Did you push State like I asked you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.
Dr. Venture: Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.
Master Billy Quizboy: Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.
Dr. Venture: What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Gaëtan Dugas.
Master Billy Quizboy: But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls. I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed anyway? Especially since, if I'm reading this right, Hank didn't graduate.
Dr. Venture: HANK!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by three with a minute left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?!
Hank: I want to join up with you guys!
Col. Gathers: Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: If you were gonna jerk us around like this, then why the hell did you even agree to see us?
Dr. Willard Harris: Honestly?
Dr. Venture: That would be a nice change of pace.
Dr. Willard Harris: Because when my secretary told me a "Dr. Venture" was here to see me, I thought she meant your brother.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Yeah. I feel like that Jewish guy who lost all his powers when they cut his hair off.
Brock: Uh, Samson?
Hank: Lenny Kravitz. It's not all about you, you know?
Brock: Yeah.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[The Phantom Limb is restored to full health]
Phantom Limb: You've done it, Richard! You've replicated my original machine to a T! I'm whole again!
Prof. Impossible: [In supervillianous costume] The name's not Richard anymore, Hamilton. From now on, I'm Professor...Incorrigible!
Phantom Limb: Ooh...
Prof. Impossible: Professor...Indolent?
Phantom Limb: Ugh!
Prof. Impossible: Professor Infamous.
Phantom Limb: Mm...ah...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Indo-China!
Phantom Limb: They're all a bit...forced...
Prof. Impossible: Professor Inscrutable?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: It's downright reasonable. I could pole-dance better than half those women. Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.
Brock: Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.
Col. Gathers: Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.
Brock: Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad.
Col. Gathers: Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.
Brock: Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.
Col. Gathers: Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!
Brock: It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.
Col. Gathers: I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Master Billy Quizboy: I fought an 8 year old, and the only reason I won is he tripped into a spike. I had my eyes closed the whole time - until I heard an 8 year old dying on a spike!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Zero: Fight.
Master Billy Quizboy: [throwing down his shield] What is with you?!
Pete White: [throwing down trident] With me?! I do everything for you, fella!
Master Billy Quizboy: You boss me around like you gave birth to me!
Zero: [over the continued argument] Stop this fighting and fight one another! We wanna see you fight! Stop fighting and fight!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
General Treister: One—in all reported cases, the abductor was Zeus, the Greek god of thunder and rock 'n roll. Yes, agents Kenan and Kel?
Councilman 3: We just want it on record that we don't like our code name.
General Treister: Noted.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
General Treister: I want notes, lists and answers by the time I finish this here Juicy-a-Box! WARNING: I am Thirst-ay! And it is Fruit Punch! And it is Delicious!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[The Supervillians prepare to be fitted with an experimental power-negating device for the Summit]
Phantom Limb: ...Very well, but you may have to give me the shot in my derriere. Needles can't penetrate my electro-impalpable limbs!
Watch: Yeah, 'needles'. Good one. Try Giant Metal Spikes.
[A gigantic torture-machine is unveiled, including a chair and hundreds of sharp steel spikes]
Ward: They're wonderful and frightening and they go in through your neck and they replace all your blood!
Watch: You get your blood back at the end of the summit, unless that 'loss of life' thing happens. Then we send your next of kin a big jar of blood and a very nice card.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Pete White: I’m not gonna fight him, they can’t make me fight him.
Shore Leave: White you are such a sissy.
Pete White: I’m a sissy. You're calling me a sissy.
Shore Leave: Oh yeah, I get it. I’m out and proud and I’m the sissy. I’m brave enough to be who I am in the face of assholes like you, and I’m the sissy. Maybe when you come outta the closet you can walk a mile in my jimmy shoes.
Pete White: What?! I am so not gay.
Shore Leave: With that pink shirt and that oh-so-sad dye job.
Pete White: I’m a albino, and this is my lucky shirt. It was red when I bought it.
Shore Leave: I hope I fight you next. You BIG sissy.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
OSI Agent: Change into these and proceed to the cavity search.
Col. Gathers: Cavity search my ass!
[Everybody looks at Hunter]
Col. Gathers: I mean... you know what I mean.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?
Shore Leave: Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.
Col. Gathers: You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?
Shore Leave: Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Brock notices Tigershark staring him down.]
Brock: What the fuck are you looking at?
Tigershark: I’m Tigershark. I represent The Peril Partnership.
Brock: So what! The Peril Partnership is in like, Canada. How would I even know you?
Tigershark: Toronto! You broke my knees after I found you in bed with my wife.
Brock: [Laughs] Yeah, you had a little striped suit on. Hey I’m sorry brush, she told me that you were...
Tigershark: Gonna kill you.
[Tigershark lounges at Brock across the table but stops before he can reach him]

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Oh yeah! I'm jealous that I don't get to go to New York dressed as the Jamaican flag to work for no pay.
Dean: It's an internship, Hank. They pay you with experience and an impressive resume.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Alchemist to Dr. Orpheus: Remember when your wife used to screw you without paperwork?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Billy Quizboy: So you've met Nikki? Nikki Fictel?
Hank: And how!
Billy Quizboy: Yeah, she's a looker, that one. Gams straight up to heaven.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Nikki: You remind me so much of him.
Hank: Ya daffy? Dean's just like my old man. I'm the black sheep of the Venture flock! I'm trouble!
Nikki: No, I mean you're like Rusty from the cartoon. Your dad's a scared little has-been, but you are just like the real Rusty Venture. So cool. So fearless and powerful. But trapped in the body of a young man.
Hank: Sounds like you're trying to seduce me. And this old Shamus can smell it when a chippy's pulling a flim-flam. What are you hiding!?
Nikki: Nothing! Well, I guess I'm hiding a huge crush on you.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: What do you want me to card her? She said she was twenty!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.