The Golden Girls Quotes
Sophia: Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!
Dorothy: Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Valducci.
Sophia: Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.
Dorothy: Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.
Rose: I don't remember Chef Valducci.
Sophia: Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: Don't worry. This is a documentary' it's okay if you're not good looking.
Rose: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: Don't worry. This is a documentary' it's okay if you're not good looking.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.
Blanche: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: That's very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.
Sophia: There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma...
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.
Rose: Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.
Dorothy: That's very commendable.
Rose: As long as she could castrate a sheep.
Sophia: There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.
Dorothy: Ma...
Sophia: Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.
Blanche: Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?
Rose: Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?
[Dorothy stares at Rose quizzically for a few seconds, then walks over to Sophia, who is listening to a Walkman, and turns the volume on the Walkman all the way up.]
Sophia: [screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
Dorothy: Why should we be the only ones in pain?
Blanche: Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?
Rose: Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?
[Dorothy stares at Rose quizzically for a few seconds, then walks over to Sophia, who is listening to a Walkman, and turns the volume on the Walkman all the way up.]
Sophia: [screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
Dorothy: Why should we be the only ones in pain?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[The girls enter Blanche's room in the hospital.]
Dorothy: Blanche, honey, how are you?
Patient: [mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]
Rose: Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.
Patient: [mumbles again]
Sophia: Can we get you anything?
Patient: [mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]
Dorothy: Whoa.
Sophia: I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!
Rose: Was this a last minute decision?
Dorothy: We're very sorry, sir.
Dorothy: Blanche, honey, how are you?
Patient: [mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]
Rose: Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.
Patient: [mumbles again]
Sophia: Can we get you anything?
Patient: [mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]
Dorothy: Whoa.
Sophia: I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!
Rose: Was this a last minute decision?
Dorothy: We're very sorry, sir.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [watching a violent movie in a theater with Mario] Woah! Oh, I'm sorry, Mario. I just, I never realized that ripping off a nose would leave that big a hole!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Blanche and Rose are on the couch watching an I Love Lucy marathon. Ending music plays.]
Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky!
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy!
Rose: Right, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy!
Rose: Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.
Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky!
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy!
Rose: Right, but who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy!
Rose: Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: And do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy! I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen]How long have they been in there?
Rose: Since Lucy went to Scotland!
Dorothy: That would make it over thirty years, Rose.
Rose: Since Lucy went to Scotland!
Dorothy: That would make it over thirty years, Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Al Mullins: I'd like to ask you about your next-door neighbors, the McDowells.
Bobby Hopkins: They're not who you think they are.
Rose: You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?
Bobby Hopkins: They're not who you think they are.
Rose: You mean we invited the wrong people to dinner?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Oh, I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?
Blanche: So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-
Dorothy: You've got a naked policeman.
Blanche: Exactly.
Blanche: So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-
Dorothy: You've got a naked policeman.
Blanche: Exactly.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Where are you going?
Sophia: The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.
Rose: Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.
Sophia: That old crow from Falcon Crest ?
Rose: Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.
Sophia: From All About Eve?
Rose: That's Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?
Rose: No, that was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from Highway Patrol?
Rose: [thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!
Sophia: The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.
Rose: Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.
Sophia: That old crow from Falcon Crest ?
Rose: Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.
Sophia: From All About Eve?
Rose: That's Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?
Rose: No, that was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from Highway Patrol?
Rose: [thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Rose, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having you work for me.
Sophia: I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?
Rose: Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.
Sophia: My laundry's more fun, Rose.
Rose: It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.
Sophia: Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!
Sophia: I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?
Rose: Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.
Sophia: My laundry's more fun, Rose.
Rose: It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.
Sophia: Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[the girls are looking in the theater]
Dorothy: I can't see a thing.
Rose: What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?
Patron: [yelling] Rip his throat out!
Dorothy: It's a musical Rose.
Dorothy: I can't see a thing.
Rose: What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?
Patron: [yelling] Rip his throat out!
Dorothy: It's a musical Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, you can't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.
Sophia: No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.
Dorothy: Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!
Rose: You mean your sister Virginia?
Blanche: No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?
Blanche: He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!
Sophia: And I bet you liked showing it to him!
Rose: You mean your sister Virginia?
Blanche: No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?
Blanche: He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!
Sophia: And I bet you liked showing it to him!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St. Olaf!
Sophia: Please, no one say "what woman?"
Sophia: Please, no one say "what woman?"
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [describing a nightmare she had to Dorothy] I'm at the banquet. It looks beautiful, I look beautiful, everyone looks beautiful. Suddenly Charlton Heston walks in dressed like Moses, and he tries to part the dessert table. And when that doesn't work, he rounds up all the guests and leads them to the lingerie department of the nearest J.C. Penney's, where everybody starts making fun of the fat lady underwear. What do you suppose it means?
Dorothy: That you spent too many years sleeping on curlers.
Dorothy: That you spent too many years sleeping on curlers.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.
Sophia: Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.
Dorothy: Ma, the man is dead.
Sophia: Longer than you think.
Sophia: Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.
Dorothy: Ma, the man is dead.
Sophia: Longer than you think.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]
Dorothy: Now what was that supposed to mean?
Sophia: I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.
Dorothy: Now what was that supposed to mean?
Sophia: I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Blanche fills the entire coffee table with many different snacks from the kitchen.]
Sophia: A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.
Blanche: I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.
Sophia: I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?
Sophia: A few more snacks like that and the only thing you'll be able to fit into is a saddle.
Blanche: I'm not gonna eat all of this at once, Sophia. There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.
Sophia: I never cared for that show. Every single episode, Lucy said the same thing. "Ricky, why can't I be in the show? Ricky, why can't I be in the show?" Why couldn't she be in the show? The woman was a riot at home. His show at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Rose, let's go watch I Love Lucy in the kitchen.
Rose: But that set is black and white!
Rose: But that set is black and white!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Mr. Ha Ha: Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...
Dorothy: I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: ...Dorothy is the oldest!
Dorothy: I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!
Mr. Ha Ha: ...Dorothy is the oldest!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Mr. Ha Ha: Come on, kids. Make a wish and blow out the candles. [the kids and Dorothy blow out the candles] I hope everybody gets what they wished for.
Dorothy: Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? [holds up the cake]
Mr. Ha Ha: Dorothy, if I were you, I would put the cake down. You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.
Dorothy: Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? [holds up the cake]
Mr. Ha Ha: Dorothy, if I were you, I would put the cake down. You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Did you finish the decorations, Rose?
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]
Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]
Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.
Sophia: Check! ...What's a lanai?
Dorothy: The porch!
Sophia: Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!
Sophia: Check! ...What's a lanai?
Dorothy: The porch!
Sophia: Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Besides, you think I'd ruin Roberta's milestone birthday?
Rose: Milestone? She's 88.
Sophia: Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!
Rose: Milestone? She's 88.
Sophia: Right. After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [on why she loves washing dishes] In Minnesota, the whole family'd get together and wash dishes. Even Uncle Gustav, after the giant Swiss Army Knife accident, learned to dry dishes with his feet. We used to laugh and carry on and have such a happy time.
Sophia: What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?! It's sickening! Happy times freezing in the cold, happy times during the locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer! How about death, did you have happy times then?
Rose: Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy times!
Sophia: She's beginning to get to me.
Sophia: What is it with you people? All you ever had were happy times?! It's sickening! Happy times freezing in the cold, happy times during the locust invasion, happy times eating reindeer! How about death, did you have happy times then?
Rose: Yes, actually, we did. It was a chance to get together and remember other happy times!
Sophia: She's beginning to get to me.
TV Show: The Golden Girls