The Golden Girls Quotes
Rose: I was booked, fingerprints, mug shots, I'm a known criminal! I'll never be able to go back to my hometown again!
Blanche: Oh honey, nobody back home's ever gonna find out about this.
Rose: Oh yes they will! The St. Olaf Courier-Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting!
Dorothy: You're right, that series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.
Blanche: Oh honey, nobody back home's ever gonna find out about this.
Rose: Oh yes they will! The St. Olaf Courier-Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting!
Dorothy: You're right, that series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: I get to go with you? I don't have to stay here and get gassed with the termites? Oh Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.
Dorothy: She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!
Dorothy: She'll get over it. And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Sophia did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy: No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.
Dorothy: No Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Police Officer: Where are your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
Sophia: They're not here.
Dorothy: MA!!!!
Sophia: Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!
Sophia: You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don't, who cares?! I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds!
[Sophia walks out of the police station triumphantly clutching the tickets in her hand, while Rose, Blanche and Dorothy cry out to her from their cell]
Sophia: They're not here.
Dorothy: MA!!!!
Sophia: Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!
Sophia: You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don't, who cares?! I'm on my way to see Burt Reynolds!
[Sophia walks out of the police station triumphantly clutching the tickets in her hand, while Rose, Blanche and Dorothy cry out to her from their cell]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Burt Reynolds: [to Sophia] Which one's the slut?
Dorothy, Rose, Blanche: I AM!!!
Dorothy, Rose, Blanche: I AM!!!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: "Other girls who will take their money." Do you know who they think we are?
Rose: Waitresses!
Dorothy: No Rose, hookers.
Rose: Waitresses!
Dorothy: No Rose, hookers.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you, in anything backless.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Downtown? He means jail!
Dorothy: Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
Rose: I’ve never been in jail. I won’t make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I’ll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I’ll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won’t know a moment’s peace. I’ll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I’ll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they’ll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he’ll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don’t let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!
Dorothy: You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?
Dorothy: Oh really Rose, I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
Rose: I’ve never been in jail. I won’t make it. They always prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I’ll fall in with a bad crowd, whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I’ll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart. From that time on, I won’t know a moment’s peace. I’ll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and I’ll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who got bad grades in school. And then one day, they’ll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone and when I make a run for it he’ll riddle my body with bullets! Oh please don’t let them take me downtown! I want to live! I want to live!
Dorothy: You're not very good in a crisis are you Rose?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.
Blanche: I am your friend!
Dorothy: Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!
[everyone in the grocery store turns and stares]
Blanche: What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.
Blanche: I am your friend!
Dorothy: Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!
[everyone in the grocery store turns and stares]
Blanche: What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Dorothy, your husband's here.
Dorothy: I don't have a husband. Call the police.
Dorothy: I don't have a husband. Call the police.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Stanley: Your EX-husband, darling.
Dorothy: (not missing a beat) I'LL call the police.
Dorothy: (not missing a beat) I'LL call the police.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: We wanted to get the best corner before Johnny No-Thumbs shows up with his lunch wagon.
Dorothy: Johnny No-Thumbs ?
Rose: Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]
Dorothy: Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!
Sophia: Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]
Rose: He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.
Dorothy: Johnny No-Thumbs ?
Rose: Well actually, he has several fingers missing from each hand. It's remarkable to watch him make a veal and pepper hero. [heads for the door]
Dorothy: Ma, you are trying to muscle in on a guy named Johnny No-Thumbs? Are you crazy? He's probably connected with the mob!
Sophia: Relax! If they were his friends, he'd still have his thumbs! [opens the front door]
Rose: He's a very sweet man, although the first time he waved hello, Sophia misunderstood and gave him the finger back.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [listening to a planted bug] They keep talking about that noodlehead in the red dress. Could that be code language?
Dorothy: Only to the noodlehead in the red dress.
Dorothy: Only to the noodlehead in the red dress.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Al Mullins: We'll use the bathroom as a lookout and the kitchen as a base.
Sophia: Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.
Sophia: Fine. We'll just cook in the fireplace and pee in the broom closet.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Dorothy is storming out of the house because she thinks Stan and Blanche are sleeping together]
Rose: Where are you going?
Dorothy: To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
Rose: Where are you going?
Dorothy: To either get ice-cream or commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Mr. Pfeiffer is trying to set a date for Mrs. Claxton's funeral service]
Mr. Pfeiffer: How about Thursday night?
Rose: Thursday night?
Blanche: Are you crazy?
Sophia: Not Thursday, hell no!
Mr. Pfeiffer: Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.
Mr. Pfeiffer: How about Thursday night?
Rose: Thursday night?
Blanche: Are you crazy?
Sophia: Not Thursday, hell no!
Mr. Pfeiffer: Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Mr. Pfeiffer...
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, no, it's Puh-feiffer. The "P" is not silent.
Dorothy: ...anyway, Mr...Puh-feiffer...about the puh-funeral -- about the funeral...
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, no, it's Puh-feiffer. The "P" is not silent.
Dorothy: ...anyway, Mr...Puh-feiffer...about the puh-funeral -- about the funeral...
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Frieda Claxton: [to Blanche] Oh yeah, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]
Dorothy: Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]
Dorothy: Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: To throw some holy water on her [Mrs. Claxton]. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!
Sophia: To throw some holy water on her [Mrs. Claxton]. If she spits up pea soup and her head spins around, we're in big trouble!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Woman: [delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...
Dorothy: WHO?!
Woman: Celia Rubenstein.
Blanche: This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!
Mr. Pfeiffer: The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
Woman: Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?
Blanche: Yes.
[The woman gives the coffin a good kick and then leaves the chapel]
Dorothy: WHO?!
Woman: Celia Rubenstein.
Blanche: This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!
Mr. Pfeiffer: The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.
Woman: Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?
Blanche: Yes.
[The woman gives the coffin a good kick and then leaves the chapel]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Mrs. Claxton's soul is part of that tree now, Sophia.
Sophia: That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!
Sophia: That's really lovely... and it's touching how that Great Dane is paying its respects!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?
Sophia: Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.
Sophia: Dorothy, there are a lot of things I want to try before I die but that's not one of them.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Oh Blanche, have you seen Jean this morning?
Blanche: She and Rose shared a room last night. Listen Dorothy. You don't think Jean would ever...do you?
Dorothy: Look Blanche. I DO NOT believe that anything other than Gin Rummy happened between Jean and Rose last night.
Blanche: She and Rose shared a room last night. Listen Dorothy. You don't think Jean would ever...do you?
Dorothy: Look Blanche. I DO NOT believe that anything other than Gin Rummy happened between Jean and Rose last night.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Dorothy. Something terrible has happened.
Dorothy: OH GOD!
Sophia: You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Dorothy: OH GOD!
Sophia: You idiot! If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: For starters, Jean is a lesbian.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.
Dorothy: Ma.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!
Dorothy: Blanche, please!
Blanche: Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?
Dorothy: Blanche, pull yourself together!
Blanche: Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!
Dorothy: Blanche, please!
Blanche: Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?
Dorothy: Blanche, pull yourself together!
Blanche: Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Sophia is watching a dirty movie]
Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?
Sophia: I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.
Dorothy: That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?
Sophia: You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.
Dorothy: Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?
Sophia: Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.
Dorothy: I cannot watch any more of this.
Rose: [coming in with Blanche] Hi.
[Dorothy is pressing buttons on the remote]
Sophia: Wrong button. That's fast forward.
Rose: Oh, my.. what are they doing?
Blanche: I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.
Rose: It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!
[Dorothy presses another button]
Sophia: That's reverse, Dorothy.
Blanche: I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.
Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?
Sophia: I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.
Dorothy: That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?
Sophia: You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.
Dorothy: Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?
Sophia: Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.
Dorothy: I cannot watch any more of this.
Rose: [coming in with Blanche] Hi.
[Dorothy is pressing buttons on the remote]
Sophia: Wrong button. That's fast forward.
Rose: Oh, my.. what are they doing?
Blanche: I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.
Rose: It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!
[Dorothy presses another button]
Sophia: That's reverse, Dorothy.
Blanche: I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Big Daddy announces his engagement, and Blanche lets out a scream]
Big Daddy: [about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.
Big Daddy: [about Blanche] Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure. I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Let's take it from the top.
Rose: From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!
Dorothy: [pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.
Rose: [tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]
Dorothy: Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]
Dorothy: [singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!
Rose: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."
Rose: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy: "Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!
Rose: It's a word!
Dorothy: So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.
Rose: [playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...
Rose: From the top. Oh, that's sounds so musical!
Dorothy: [pointing at the piano] Tickle the ivories, Rose.
Rose: [tickling] Goochie-goochie-goochie-goo! [laughs]
Dorothy: Rose, play or die! [Rose begins playing]
Dorothy: [singing the lyrics] "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice/Miami is nice/Miami is nice/Miami is..." W-, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You put in an extra "Miami is nice"!
Rose: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense! I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice/So I'll say it twice."
Rose: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice/So I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy: "Thrice"?! Who the hell says "thrice"?!
Rose: It's a word!
Dorothy: So is "interuterine". It does not belong in a song.
Rose: [playing and singing] Miami, you're cuter than, an interuterine...
TV Show: The Golden Girls