The Fast Show Quotes
Unlucky Alf: Another day. I don't hold out much 'ope. Usual mixture of bad luck and despair, misery and frustration, piles.
[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]
Pools Man: Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: That's right.
Pools Man: You've won the pools.
Unlucky Alf: Blimey!
Pools Man: Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.
Unlucky Alf: Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.
[another knock at the door]
Unlucky Alf: Now what?
[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]
Woman: Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?
Unlucky Alf: I'm sorry, I've run out.
Woman: That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...
Unlucky Alf: No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...
[fades to Alf in bed]
Unlucky Alf: ...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.
[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]
Unlucky Alf: 'Ere we go...
[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]
Unlucky Alf: That's more like it.
[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]
Pools Man: Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: That's right.
Pools Man: You've won the pools.
Unlucky Alf: Blimey!
Pools Man: Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.
Unlucky Alf: Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.
[another knock at the door]
Unlucky Alf: Now what?
[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]
Woman: Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?
Unlucky Alf: I'm sorry, I've run out.
Woman: That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...
Unlucky Alf: No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...
[fades to Alf in bed]
Unlucky Alf: ...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.
[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]
Unlucky Alf: 'Ere we go...
[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]
Unlucky Alf: That's more like it.
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf is feeding the geese in a park]
Unlucky Alf: Not many pleasures remainin' in life for an old gent, 'part from poppin' in t' park for an hour or so to feed the geese. [to geese] Come on, come on me little friends, g-oooh!
[a goose appears and pecks at his crotch]
Unlucky Alf: Ooh, bugger! I didn't realise that were goin' t' happen. Ooh! Not that I've got much use for it anymore, I suppose.
Unlucky Alf: Not many pleasures remainin' in life for an old gent, 'part from poppin' in t' park for an hour or so to feed the geese. [to geese] Come on, come on me little friends, g-oooh!
[a goose appears and pecks at his crotch]
Unlucky Alf: Ooh, bugger! I didn't realise that were goin' t' happen. Ooh! Not that I've got much use for it anymore, I suppose.
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf walks out of shop holding a piece of paper]
Unlucky Alf: Just bought me lottery ticket, though knowing my luck I probbly won't win 'owt. Bloody hell!
[the giant lottery finger appears]
Lottery Finger: It's you!
[the finger pushes Alf and he smashes through the window behind him. A man walks from the shop]
Lottery Finger: Oh, sorry, I mean you.
The Man: YEEEEEEEEESSSS!
Unlucky Alf: Just bought me lottery ticket, though knowing my luck I probbly won't win 'owt. Bloody hell!
[the giant lottery finger appears]
Lottery Finger: It's you!
[the finger pushes Alf and he smashes through the window behind him. A man walks from the shop]
Lottery Finger: Oh, sorry, I mean you.
The Man: YEEEEEEEEESSSS!
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and on the way back from the cove, within a hundred yards of each other, we saw Stevie Nicks and Helena Bonham-Carter, so we gave them a lift on the back of a tractor... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode One
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and our eldest son, Alexander, won the Nobel Chemistry Prize, so we all went over to Stockholm for the presentation, and REM did an impromptu concert... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode One
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and we were in Harrod's, shopping for guavas, and we saw Kevin Kline, who gave me a lovely smile... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode Two
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and I was at university with Hugh Grant, so he lent us his cottage in Provence, and we just spent the whole week pottering about in his battered old rubber dinghy... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode Two
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and the same six numbers came up the following week, so that was another 3million... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode Three
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and Genevieve's uncle died unexpectedly and left me all his yachts. And then Tamara came running out of our Somerset house, as fast as her little legs could carry her, to tell me I was a direct descendant of Kublai Khan... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode Four
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and I was rummaging around in the attic, and I found the original copy of the Bible, Signed by God... which was nice.
- Season Two, Episode Five
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and unfortunately, I left my fingerprints all over the handle, so it looks like I'll be going down for 15 years... which is a shame.
- Season Two, Episode Seven
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...when I was a very small boy, one hot midsummer afternoon, in the garden. I was sitting very still in my play-tent, and something made me look up. And I saw a hob-goblin... sitting in Daddy's wheel-barrow... which was nice.
- Season Three, Episode One
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and Louise and I met at university, and it really was love at first sight. We couldn't wait to get married, and children just sort of happened, you know? And we've been really lucky, we're still friends and lovers, even after fifteen years. And last Tuesday, Louise had her first orgasm... which was nice.
- Season Three, Episode Two
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and all my environmental proposals were accepted at the Earth Summit, by the Americans and the developing nations, even though it was just an off-the-cuff remark about greenfly... which was nice.
- Season Three, Episode Six
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and yay, all the prophecies were fulfilled. And verily black was white. And all the rivers of the world ran with milk, and honey, and wine. And green were the valleys. And Seraphim, Lord of Ellehim, and the Nazarim on high. And death; and war; and pestilence; and famine; and hypocrisy; and envy, and greed, were banished, for all eternity... which was nice.
- Season Three, Episode Seven
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and I looked at the formula again, and noticed that I'd put a decimal point in the wrong place. So I corrected it and discovered that I really had found a cure for cancer... which was nice.
TV Show: The Fast Show
- ...and then, at the very last moment, I let go of the 747's undercarriage, and dropped onto the roof of the chasing police car, still holding the uranium... which was nice.
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Lotto Lotto!]
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Mit special guesta: Poula Fish!
Poula: Èllo, Poutremos, Scorchio!
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Scorchio, heh heh! Nio dudupos, sminki pinki tenuros tomano... Graba da bols!! [Audience yells enthusiastically]
Poula, Poutremos repeating: Mixa [2], Oh [0], thri [thrè, 3], thrimatosis [13], mixamatosis [12], ooh: cinqi-cinqi-cinqenta-cinqenta-canto-canta-canta-cinqente-pentos : [5]!
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: È... È ton numero bonus... hè! Poula!
Poula: [laughing] jaxi! [20]
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Jaxi!
[Scene immediately cuts to Jesse's Diets]
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Mit special guesta: Poula Fish!
Poula: Èllo, Poutremos, Scorchio!
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Scorchio, heh heh! Nio dudupos, sminki pinki tenuros tomano... Graba da bols!! [Audience yells enthusiastically]
Poula, Poutremos repeating: Mixa [2], Oh [0], thri [thrè, 3], thrimatosis [13], mixamatosis [12], ooh: cinqi-cinqi-cinqenta-cinqenta-canto-canta-canta-cinqente-pentos : [5]!
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: È... È ton numero bonus... hè! Poula!
Poula: [laughing] jaxi! [20]
Poutremos Poutra-Poutros: Jaxi!
[Scene immediately cuts to Jesse's Diets]
TV Show: The Fast Show
Kolothos Apollonia: Bono estente! [Audience roar] Yakkitiyak venito toncilaitis thranticillio go-go-gohgggh! Ton Family Show!! [Macho gesture, audience roar] Aaaa, sooo, mister Hoppy! È! Dicto bono estente ton kiddis!
Mr. Hoppy: [cheesily pitch-shifted up] Bono estente, kiddis!
Kolothos Apollonia: O.k! Nobo squintero tos con Plungers![presses the first of three detonators] Ha, ha, haaa!
The explosion selects a prototypical bomb/shell. She comes down and receives a proper greeting from Apolonia]
Kolothos Apollonia: È, mixa! [Presses the next plunger with his bottom]
'[A stud is selected, again by explosion. He comes down and gets a less than enthousiastic greeting from Apolonia]
Kolothos Apollonia: È Thrè! [Presses the last plunger with his foot]
[A slightly bigger explosion. Limbs fly round.]
Kolothos Apollonia: Apologia. Terorista!
' 'DJ Lush aka Shatz 'n Lush: bono! ( altogether or IN )
Mr. Hoppy: [cheesily pitch-shifted up] Bono estente, kiddis!
Kolothos Apollonia: O.k! Nobo squintero tos con Plungers![presses the first of three detonators] Ha, ha, haaa!
The explosion selects a prototypical bomb/shell. She comes down and receives a proper greeting from Apolonia]
Kolothos Apollonia: È, mixa! [Presses the next plunger with his bottom]
'[A stud is selected, again by explosion. He comes down and gets a less than enthousiastic greeting from Apolonia]
Kolothos Apollonia: È Thrè! [Presses the last plunger with his foot]
[A slightly bigger explosion. Limbs fly round.]
Kolothos Apollonia: Apologia. Terorista!
' 'DJ Lush aka Shatz 'n Lush: bono! ( altogether or IN )
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Un messago sponsoro]: Beneres? Niko fuerto tipomagico - te bai-by-gizmo. Novello proboscis - molto molto kin agrophos. Vo, tidiaka mit functioni moronico. Te facilos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "bai-by-gizmo".
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Triumphant chivalrous music. Swords in the air]
English soldier #1: We shall be victorious! We will slay those French dogs!
English soldier #2: Aye! We'll cut them down like so many sheeths of weed!
English soldier #1: God is on our side! The French are devils!
English soldier #3: Oh no, they're not too bad, are they? Their dress sense is vastly superior to ours. Their woman are better looking. Their cooking is brilliant. And their language... Ma jolie!
[Other soldiers look on menacingly]
English soldier #3: I'll get me cloak!
English soldier #1: We shall be victorious! We will slay those French dogs!
English soldier #2: Aye! We'll cut them down like so many sheeths of weed!
English soldier #1: God is on our side! The French are devils!
English soldier #3: Oh no, they're not too bad, are they? Their dress sense is vastly superior to ours. Their woman are better looking. Their cooking is brilliant. And their language... Ma jolie!
[Other soldiers look on menacingly]
English soldier #3: I'll get me cloak!
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Office clerk working frantically]
Clerk: [impersonates a ringing phone] Prr-prr... Prr-prr. [Picks up his phone and starts speaking in a squeaky voice] Hmm, hmm. [puts phone down] That was our Head Bank! Which means that I must be someone extra special! [resumes work with even more zest]
Clerk: [impersonates a ringing phone] Prr-prr... Prr-prr. [Picks up his phone and starts speaking in a squeaky voice] Hmm, hmm. [puts phone down] That was our Head Bank! Which means that I must be someone extra special! [resumes work with even more zest]
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Jazz Club signature music. Louis Balfour throws cigarette away, apparently into the audience below]
Balfour: Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club, tonight, Latin Jazz. [sideways into another camera as if breaching the fourth wall] Mmmmm. Nice! [normal] The Latin-American rhythms, and innovative instrumentation of South-America, have brought us many great names. Astrud Gilberto, Tito Puente, Carlos Valdorama and Daido Rail. And tonight, perhaps none greater than these, playing live in the studio, Jesús Mendoza con Unidos del Glucas! [wide gesture] Rrranth!
[The Patagonians attempt to start playing]
Balfour: Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club, tonight, Latin Jazz. [sideways into another camera as if breaching the fourth wall] Mmmmm. Nice! [normal] The Latin-American rhythms, and innovative instrumentation of South-America, have brought us many great names. Astrud Gilberto, Tito Puente, Carlos Valdorama and Daido Rail. And tonight, perhaps none greater than these, playing live in the studio, Jesús Mendoza con Unidos del Glucas! [wide gesture] Rrranth!
[The Patagonians attempt to start playing]
TV Show: The Fast Show
Inspector Flatfoot: Well. If it aint the great Enrico Rubutz... Rub... Scarface!
Narrator: [Return of The Unpronounceables]
Scarface: You can't take me alive, inspector Mc... Ch...
Inspector Flatfoot: Shuddup!
Girl: You can't touch Merovic... Him! He ain't done nothing. He's been with me all evening.
Inspector Flatfoot: Is that so, Mrs. Semoe... Semitz... Samos... Semuch, Pffff.
[...]
Scarface: [Picks up machine gun] You can it, Flatfoot! Yeah! See what I got! I got a schmeazer... schneazer... a s... I got a machine gun!
[Officer Wilco enters holding another machine gun.]
Officer Wilco: Hold right there, Rabbinnizenzitz. Drop the gun!
[...]
Inspector Flatfoot: Shuddup! You gotta be crazy to think you could outwit the boys of the Nyppid!
Officer Wilco: It's the Nuppud!
Scarface: Nepiepe?
Girl: How do you spell it?
Inspector Flatfoot: N - Y - P - D.
[All Cheer in triumph]: That's it. Yeah!
Narrator: [Return of The Unpronounceables]
Scarface: You can't take me alive, inspector Mc... Ch...
Inspector Flatfoot: Shuddup!
Girl: You can't touch Merovic... Him! He ain't done nothing. He's been with me all evening.
Inspector Flatfoot: Is that so, Mrs. Semoe... Semitz... Samos... Semuch, Pffff.
[...]
Scarface: [Picks up machine gun] You can it, Flatfoot! Yeah! See what I got! I got a schmeazer... schneazer... a s... I got a machine gun!
[Officer Wilco enters holding another machine gun.]
Officer Wilco: Hold right there, Rabbinnizenzitz. Drop the gun!
[...]
Inspector Flatfoot: Shuddup! You gotta be crazy to think you could outwit the boys of the Nyppid!
Officer Wilco: It's the Nuppud!
Scarface: Nepiepe?
Girl: How do you spell it?
Inspector Flatfoot: N - Y - P - D.
[All Cheer in triumph]: That's it. Yeah!
TV Show: The Fast Show
- You ain't seen me, right!?!
- Brilliant!
- ...which was nice!
- Small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts.
- Marvellous!
- Hi! I'm Ed Winchester!
- Does my bum look big in this?
- Suit you, sir! Oh!
- I'll get me coat!
- I'll nick anything.
- Where's me washboard? How queer!
- You like cheese! You like peas! You love cheesey peas!
- (It's) Gripped! Sorted!
- ...I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
- This week, I ave been mostly eatin'...
- Hello, we're from the Isle of Man.
- Well...I wouldnt know about that sort of thing now
- What did I say Roy?
- Bingo!
TV Show: The Fast Show
- Bono Estente!
- Sminki pinki (beng beng)
- Chris Waddle
- Falia helé, Falia hela, Falia helé
- Heth - eth - eth - eth - eth - eth - eth - eth - eth!
- Scorchio!
- Pighardia!
- Boutros Boutros Ghali!
- Pi pi snaa!
- Antonios Gubba
- Problematico tecnica
TV Show: The Fast Show