The Fast Show Quote
Unlucky Alf: Another day. I don't hold out much 'ope. Usual mixture of bad luck and despair, misery and frustration, piles.
[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]
Pools Man: Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: That's right.
Pools Man: You've won the pools.
Unlucky Alf: Blimey!
Pools Man: Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.
Unlucky Alf: Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.
[another knock at the door]
Unlucky Alf: Now what?
[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]
Woman: Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?
Unlucky Alf: I'm sorry, I've run out.
Woman: That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...
Unlucky Alf: No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...
[fades to Alf in bed]
Unlucky Alf: ...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.
[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]
Unlucky Alf: 'Ere we go...
[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]
Unlucky Alf: That's more like it.
[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]
Pools Man: Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: That's right.
Pools Man: You've won the pools.
Unlucky Alf: Blimey!
Pools Man: Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.
Unlucky Alf: Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.
[another knock at the door]
Unlucky Alf: Now what?
[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]
Woman: Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?
Unlucky Alf: I'm sorry, I've run out.
Woman: That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...
Unlucky Alf: No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...
[fades to Alf in bed]
Unlucky Alf: ...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.
[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]
Unlucky Alf: 'Ere we go...
[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]
Unlucky Alf: That's more like it.
TV Show: The Fast Show
