The Fast Show Quotes
Prof. Dexter: We took four cardboard tubes, the kinda tubes you'd find in a brand of regular toilet tissue, and then proceeded to place them on the floor. Making four columns, equidistantly thus. We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average body-weight of a human man.
[he steps on the tubes and they are crushed before he can even get both of his feet up]
Prof. Dexter: No.
[he steps on the tubes and they are crushed before he can even get both of his feet up]
Prof. Dexter: No.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur. After building a time-machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin-foil, I attempted to travel back in time 5 million years. The results were disappointing. I then realised it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then reassemble the bones. Try to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff cave-man. And now Dave and particle acceleration. Dave...
TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's Clarinet Quintet. After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music. The results were disappointing. Next time, we will feed and water the mice. Now, Dave with a sideways look at Deoxyribo-Nucleic-Acid. Dave...
Why can't...why can't I just say DNA? It's so hard that.
Why can't...why can't I just say DNA? It's so hard that.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969. At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as Tune In, Turn On and Drop Out and there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs. Can I just say, at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research or my philosophy.
Narrator: And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter?
Prof. Dexter: Space bats.
Narrator: Space bats?
Prof. Dexter: You bet your ass.
Narrator: And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter?
Prof. Dexter: Space bats.
Narrator: Space bats?
Prof. Dexter: You bet your ass.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: We took seventy millilitres of ordinary tap-water, and put it in this beaker. Then we took seventy millilitres of rainwater from the laboratory roof, and put it in this beaker... don't ask me why. We just did.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: We took this skull... from another laboratory! Heh, heh. Didn't we, Dave? Huh, huh.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Renee: Oh, we’ve been to Stratford on Avon and to went to see Shakespeare’s old house, I said to the guide it’s a bit pokey, What did I say to the guide Roy?
Roy: It’s a bit pokey
Renee: Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?
Roy: The prices aren’t old fashioned
Renee: Oh they did laugh. I mean were not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?
Roy: I think I’m going to pee me pants
Renee: We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?
Roy: Four and a half hours
Renee: Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?
Roy: We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it
Renee: I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!
Roy: It’s a bit pokey
Renee: Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?
Roy: The prices aren’t old fashioned
Renee: Oh they did laugh. I mean were not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?
Roy: I think I’m going to pee me pants
Renee: We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?
Roy: Four and a half hours
Renee: Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?
Roy: We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it
Renee: I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Renee: Oh you’re going to Turkey, oh you lucky thing. Oh we’ve been to Turkey myself and Roy, 1990 went to Turkey, ‘91 Turkey, ‘92 Turkey, ‘93 Morecambe- Oh it’s not a patch on Turkey- it’s not got the same atmosphere what did I say Roy?
Roy: It’s not got the same atmosphere
Renee: Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?
Roy: They did laugh
Renee: You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?
Roy: You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination
Renee: I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?
Roy: You look like an egg on legs
Renee: They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?
Roy: You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!
Renee: I did not say that- Roy.
Roy: It’s not got the same atmosphere
Renee: Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?
Roy: They did laugh
Renee: You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?
Roy: You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination
Renee: I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?
Roy: You look like an egg on legs
Renee: They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?
Roy: You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!
Renee: I did not say that- Roy.
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Roy and Renée are on train, talking to man opposite, Roy eats a Kit-Kat]
Renée: Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?
Roy: It’s sooo Parisian
Renée: I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?
Roy: We’ll come here again.
Renée: And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?
Roy: Call the concierge.
Renée: Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?
Roy: Because of my legs
[man on train takes subtle look under the table at Roy’s legs]
Renée: So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?
Roy: Bain
Renée: So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England bus I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?
[Roy holds Kit Kat towards man on train]
Roy: Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?
[Renée slaps Roy's hand]
Renée: He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!
Renée: Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?
Roy: It’s sooo Parisian
Renée: I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?
Roy: We’ll come here again.
Renée: And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?
Roy: Call the concierge.
Renée: Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?
Roy: Because of my legs
[man on train takes subtle look under the table at Roy’s legs]
Renée: So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?
Roy: Bain
Renée: So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England bus I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?
[Roy holds Kit Kat towards man on train]
Roy: Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?
[Renée slaps Roy's hand]
Renée: He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Renée: Oh we’ve just come back from London the capital city, there’s so much to see and do you know but everything’s so far apart I said to Roy ohh, me poor plates of meat, what did I say Roy?
Roy: Me poor plates of meat
Renée: We went to see Les Miserable you know oh its really disappointing its all singing, you know no storyline. The tourists they were all queuing up outside for their tickets I said to Roy it’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone, what did I say Roy?
Roy: It’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone
Renée: Went for a smashing meal at the Berni Inn myself and Roy, Big fans of Berni Inns and now there’s Harvester- what can you do? But there was like no room on the ground floor but the waiter found us a table up the apples and pears, where was the tables Roy?
Roy: Up the apples and pears
Renée: Oh the waiter was cheeky you know real cockney type but nice with it, and he said to Roy is this your daughter about me, and Roy said no - it’s my wife. What did you say Roy?
Roy: It’s my trouble and strife.
Renée: Don’t make me beat you again- Roy!
Roy: Me poor plates of meat
Renée: We went to see Les Miserable you know oh its really disappointing its all singing, you know no storyline. The tourists they were all queuing up outside for their tickets I said to Roy it’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone, what did I say Roy?
Roy: It’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone
Renée: Went for a smashing meal at the Berni Inn myself and Roy, Big fans of Berni Inns and now there’s Harvester- what can you do? But there was like no room on the ground floor but the waiter found us a table up the apples and pears, where was the tables Roy?
Roy: Up the apples and pears
Renée: Oh the waiter was cheeky you know real cockney type but nice with it, and he said to Roy is this your daughter about me, and Roy said no - it’s my wife. What did you say Roy?
Roy: It’s my trouble and strife.
Renée: Don’t make me beat you again- Roy!
TV Show: The Fast Show
[we cut to Roy and Renée in a bar during the Chanel 9 news; Paula Fisch has reported that instead of the usual scorchio, there is “nimbo cumulos” (a cloud) on the Costa; the regular news is stopped for a “Speciale Report”.]
Renée: You’d think they’d never seen a cloud before, oh we did laugh- they’re even selling T-shirts of the cloud; we brought one each myself and Roy, oh I said to Roy I don’t know if they will wash well, what did I say Roy?
[Renée holds up a white T-shirt with a grey cloud on it]
Roy: I don’t know if they will wash well.
Renée: Next thing this film crew arrived, so I went up to this foreign man and said hello, we’re from England in the United Kingdom, I said could we be in your film we’ve seen loads of clouds- what did I say Roy?
Roy: We’ve seen loads of clouds.
Renée: Well I said we are experts myself and Roy, the foreign man said could you go away, we’re trying to film, what did they say Roy?
Roy: Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth
Renée: Stop showing off… Roy!
Renée: You’d think they’d never seen a cloud before, oh we did laugh- they’re even selling T-shirts of the cloud; we brought one each myself and Roy, oh I said to Roy I don’t know if they will wash well, what did I say Roy?
[Renée holds up a white T-shirt with a grey cloud on it]
Roy: I don’t know if they will wash well.
Renée: Next thing this film crew arrived, so I went up to this foreign man and said hello, we’re from England in the United Kingdom, I said could we be in your film we’ve seen loads of clouds- what did I say Roy?
Roy: We’ve seen loads of clouds.
Renée: Well I said we are experts myself and Roy, the foreign man said could you go away, we’re trying to film, what did they say Roy?
Roy: Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth
Renée: Stop showing off… Roy!
TV Show: The Fast Show
[This scene is subtitled for the benefit of Chanel 9 viewers; when Renée tells us that they are selling T-shirts of the cloud we read “Nea shopping te t-shirts, onu solo shoppo totalitarious mia parl Roy. Lavato Chris Waddle beuno”, Roy repeats “Lavato Chris Waddle beuno”. When Renée tells us about the film crew we read “Hoopla Multo film crews Ki parl uomo tidiaka Sminki Pinki ne film ono lgletrous. Opto multo multo nimbo cumulos” Roy repeats “Opto multo multo nimbo cumulos”. When Renée regales their cloud expertise Chanel 9 viewers read “Nono spertos. Ne uomo tidiaka parl “Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth”, but when Roy repeats they read “Bugger off you stupid English Tourists”.]
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Roy and Renée are on a plane, the air hostess has just served them a drink so Renée starts talking to the hostess.]
Renée: Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?
Roy: Trolley dollies.
Renée: He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?
Roy: They’re all caked in make-up.
Renée: He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?
Roy: They’re all poofs and lezzies.
Renée: You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!
Renée: Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?
Roy: Trolley dollies.
Renée: He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?
Roy: They’re all caked in make-up.
Renée: He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?
Roy: They’re all poofs and lezzies.
Renée: You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: [rambling]... I remember the time when there was a fireworks display, in the village... [rambles] ...it was quite frightening, bang, crash, wishoo, fizz... [rambles] ...how they actually do that, anyway... [rambles] ...hah!... [rambles] ...one girl was very badly burned... [rambles] ...and I was called upon, in my capacity as... [rambles] ...and I cracked my head very sharply, off a piece of furniture... [rambles] ..."ah" like that... [rambles] ...I'm afraid... that I was very, very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: ..."Johnny! Johnny Ludlow!" Hahaha... [rambles] ...terrible flatulence... [rambles] ...you see?... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made completely out of rubber... [rambles; make bubbling noises] ...in fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language... [rambles] ...a rather striking moustache... [rambles] ...wow! you see?... [rambles] ...you know, you can actually drive one of those cars, on three wheels!... [rambles] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: Cairo!... [emits a high pitch squeak; rambles] ...very unstable, politically, pandimonium!... [rambles; then mimes pushing through tall grass and gestures above him] ...a poionous monkey... [rambles] ...very small chaps, but immensly strong... [rambles] ...hah! like that. It was a completely wasted journey... [rambles] ...Snake! Snake! Aah! Brrr! Gin!... [rambles; mimes holding something] ...lift the thing up, I didn't know what to do... [rambles] ...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did... [rambles] ...I freely admit, that I was very, very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: [laughs] ...I remember, it was just outside Edinburgh!... [laughs; rambles] ...I said to her, "Get a man in" [laughs] She bloody did!... [laughs] ...a makeshift crutch!... [laughs] ...the whole bloody leg was completely septic!... ...didn't wake up for three days, three bloody days!... [laughs] ...I'm laughing now! I'm afraid I was very drunk!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: Vast ice floes... [rambles] ...there he was, staring at me, six foot eight if he was an inch... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made out of matchsticks... [rambles] ...I laugh now... [rambles] ...image of a four star Nazi General, licking a lollipop... [rambles] ...I was feeling a little liverish... [rambles] ...he punched me right on the nose... [rambles] ...I didn't feel a thing, I'm afraid, I was very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: It happens to every young man, I'm sure... [quietly rambles] ...she was quite beautiful... ...she had a very long neck... ...very intelligent... ...really piercing eyes... ...of course, the war came along... ...really beautiful song: la la la, I can't remember anymore... ...I was in absolute floods of tears... ...it was very, very cold, and... ...and I held her in my arms... [stares silently at the camera] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Birkin: At the time, I was still a... [rambles] ...like a giant marshmallow... [rambles] ...fingerless gloves, very sensual... [rambles] ...just off St Alexander's Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop... [rambles] ...the head became completely detached... [rambles; makes bubbling noises] ...we always felt like we were being watched, like that... [rambles] ...I went completely cross-eyed... [crosses his eyes] ...I can't do it now... [rambles] ...I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful... [rambles] ...lorry load of interesting cheeses... [rambles] ...there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm... [rambles] ...and then they made their burrows in rotten wood... [rambles] ...a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match... [rambles; moves his arms as if running] ...shoot him, you fool!... ...I didn't hear any of it of course, I'm afraid, I was very, very drunk.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Swiss Toni: What is a woman, Paul?
Paul: I beg your pardon, Swiss?
Swiss Toni: Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.
Paul: Right, yes, Swiss.
Swiss Toni: A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.
Paul: Like a fleet?
Swiss Toni: Yes, but, that never happens.
Paul: What if you're selling a car to a bloke?
Swiss Toni: Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.
Paul: But I thought you said they were dreams?
Swiss Toni: You ever dream about todgers, Paul?
Paul: No.
Swiss Toni: No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".
Paul: I've got the biggest todger in the world.
Swiss Toni: It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.
Paul: I beg your pardon, Swiss?
Swiss Toni: Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.
Paul: Right, yes, Swiss.
Swiss Toni: A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.
Paul: Like a fleet?
Swiss Toni: Yes, but, that never happens.
Paul: What if you're selling a car to a bloke?
Swiss Toni: Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.
Paul: But I thought you said they were dreams?
Swiss Toni: You ever dream about todgers, Paul?
Paul: No.
Swiss Toni: No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".
Paul: I've got the biggest todger in the world.
Swiss Toni: It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.
TV Show: The Fast Show
Swiss Toni: Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to caress the body, breath softly and gently on her, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Paul: All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. I mean, when are we gonna sell them?
Swiss Toni: What is it that women want, Paul?
Paul: I don't know, babies, probably.
Swiss Toni: You're a Neanderthal, Paul!
Paul: What's that?
Swiss Toni: Caveman, living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the sophisticated, modern, liberated, nineties ladies like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe. Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the beach, she was young, and dark, and fruity. She had on the tiniest... the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...[static]
Paul: All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. I mean, when are we gonna sell them?
Swiss Toni: What is it that women want, Paul?
Paul: I don't know, babies, probably.
Swiss Toni: You're a Neanderthal, Paul!
Paul: What's that?
Swiss Toni: Caveman, living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the sophisticated, modern, liberated, nineties ladies like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe. Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the beach, she was young, and dark, and fruity. She had on the tiniest... the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...[static]
TV Show: The Fast Show
Swiss Toni: Do I find you reading a book, Paul?
Paul: Yeah, sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, it's a guide book I'm going camping at the weekend.
Swiss Toni: Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.
Paul: Yeah, sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, it's a guide book I'm going camping at the weekend.
Swiss Toni: Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf walks out of a greenhouse]
Unlucky Alf: Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.
[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]
Unlucky Alf: Oh no, me new greenhouse!
[ball hits him in the face]
Child [offscreen]: Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.
[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
Unlucky Alf: Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.
[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]
Unlucky Alf: Oh no, me new greenhouse!
[ball hits him in the face]
Child [offscreen]: Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.
[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf comes out of his house]
Passer-by: Good morning, Unlucky Alf.
Unlucky Alf: 'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.
[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]
Passer-by: Good morning, Unlucky Alf.
Unlucky Alf: 'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.
[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf walks in holding a parrot cage and places it on a table]
Unlucky Alf: I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.
[he looks at the parrot, wo just stares right back and says nothing]
Unlucky Alf: Bugger!
[he sits down in his chair]
Parrot: Wanker...wanker!
Unlucky Alf: Bu...
Parrot: Wanker!
Unlucky Alf: B...
Parrot: Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!
Unlucky Alf: I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.
[he looks at the parrot, wo just stares right back and says nothing]
Unlucky Alf: Bugger!
[he sits down in his chair]
Parrot: Wanker...wanker!
Unlucky Alf: Bu...
Parrot: Wanker!
Unlucky Alf: B...
Parrot: Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!
TV Show: The Fast Show
[Alf is walking to the bus-stop, as the bus approaches he begins to run, the bus does not stop]
Unlucky Alf: Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.
[another bus comes round the corner]
Unlucky Alf: Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.
[the bus-stop sign falls down and hits Alf on the head, he falls to the ground and the bus does not stop]
Unlucky Alf: Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.
[another bus comes round the corner]
Unlucky Alf: Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.
[the bus-stop sign falls down and hits Alf on the head, he falls to the ground and the bus does not stop]
TV Show: The Fast Show
Unlucky Alf: See this? It's an FA Cup final ticket, though knowing my luck they'll probbly cancel the game. So, I've decided not to risk it. I'm just goin' t' sit here, wi' a nice glass o' beer, and watch it on t' telly.
[he picks up the remote, presses a button and the TV explodes, starting a fire. He picks up his beer and throws it over the fire, extinguishing it]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
[he picks up the remote, presses a button and the TV explodes, starting a fire. He picks up his beer and throws it over the fire, extinguishing it]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Unlucky Alf: Sad day, buryin' me friend Albert today. Droppin' like flies they are now, all me old comrades. So, I'm off t' funeral at t' local cemt'ry. Though knowing my luck, something 'll probbly go tragically wrong...
[at the cemetery the funeral is over and everyone is walking from the grave. A knocking comes from the ground]
Unlucky Alf: Let me out. Let me out. You've buried t' wrong bloke, it was Albert you were supposed t' be burying. Oh...bugger!
[at the cemetery the funeral is over and everyone is walking from the grave. A knocking comes from the ground]
Unlucky Alf: Let me out. Let me out. You've buried t' wrong bloke, it was Albert you were supposed t' be burying. Oh...bugger!
TV Show: The Fast Show
Unlucky Alf: Bah, puddle. Knowing my luck, if I step in that, I'll go straight up t' me middle. I'll take me chances wi' road. Though knowing my luck, I'll probbly get run over.
[he steps out onto the road but is stopped by a passer-by, before a passing car nearly hits him]
Passer-By: Whoah! Hold up, grandad, what you doin'? You don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked.
Unlucky Alf: Well I'm not going in there young'un, knowing my luck it's probbly 'bout 4 or 5 foot deep.
Passer-By: Nah, you're all right, look. [he stamps about in the puddle] You won't even get your feet wet, hardly.
Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right then, here goes nothin'
[he steps in the puddle and falls in up to his waist]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
Passer-By: Well, that was a bit unlucky.
[the passer-by walks away leaving Alf in the puddle]
[he steps out onto the road but is stopped by a passer-by, before a passing car nearly hits him]
Passer-By: Whoah! Hold up, grandad, what you doin'? You don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked.
Unlucky Alf: Well I'm not going in there young'un, knowing my luck it's probbly 'bout 4 or 5 foot deep.
Passer-By: Nah, you're all right, look. [he stamps about in the puddle] You won't even get your feet wet, hardly.
Unlucky Alf: Oh, all right then, here goes nothin'
[he steps in the puddle and falls in up to his waist]
Unlucky Alf: Oh...bugger!
Passer-By: Well, that was a bit unlucky.
[the passer-by walks away leaving Alf in the puddle]
TV Show: The Fast Show