The Daily Show Quotes
Jon Stewart: [on the November 2002 elections] One of the highest profile races this evening is for governor in Florida. It's a battle between incumbent Jeb Bush... Of course, we all know he is the brother of Neil Bush, the disgraced financier.
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Jon Stewart: [on the Rockafeller tree lighting] The one-second lighting was preceded by a concert featuring Harry Connick Jr., the Goo-Goo Dolls, Sheryl Crow, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, because someone had to [shouts]
Jon Stewart: fucking rock the joint! Bloomberg!
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Jon Stewart: [on the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein] No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
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Jon Stewart: [on U.S. involvement in Iraq] It's as though there's only two positions you can have - you're either for the war or against the troops.
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Jon Stewart: [on Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting victim Harry Whittington heart attack] I am downgrading the story from "incredibly hilarious" to "still funny but a little sad".
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Jon Stewart: [Oprah has just given away free cars] See, here's where Oprah has violated the talk show code. Treating the audience like shit. Seriously, she gives away cars and you guys stand in the freezing cold weather for what? This piece of shit show? A bunch of random jokes followed by some interview where I pretend to be remotely interested? We have a green room with a nice couch, big screen TV, snacks, and other nice things, but do we let our audience use it? No.
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Jon Stewart: [referring to George W. Bush] Does he know who I am?
Colin Powell: [grabs Jon Stewart's hand] Jon... No.
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Jon Stewart: [regarding the lawsuit against Napster] The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
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Jon Stewart: [the audience is laughing at a joke on the screen that reads: "Syria's Unfortunate Events"] You know, we don't just pick the first pun that comes to mind. That usually takes a couple of hours.
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Jon Stewart: [to John Kerry] One more thing, and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. Is it true that every time I buy a bottle of ketchup, your wife gets a nickel?
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Jon Stewart: [to senator Zell Miller] We disagree on a lot of things, but, eh, well... let me just say this: I think we disagree on everything.
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Jon Stewart: [watching a video of a spacecraft crashing] The Genesis space probe returned to earth last weekend after a three-year mission of space exploration. If there was one thing that NASA learned from the experience, it's that spacecraft don't bounce.
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Jon Stewart: 61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
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Jon Stewart: Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
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Jon Stewart: Al Gore, two term vice president who couldn't beat a one term Texas governor is launching Current, a new cable news channel being aimed at male, internet savvy viewers between the ages of 18 - 34. A very underrepresented niche market, which currently only has MTV, MTV2, Vh1, Fuse, G4Tech, Spike, Sci-Fi, all the ESPNs, Style, and everything else on television! Except of course for Pax and the new channel Hallmark Oldsters. One of the unique things about Current is Googlewatch, a half-hour show that features what people are searching for on the popular search engine. Just when you thought that television should feature more of Terri Hatcher + nude / buttshot.
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Jon Stewart: Al Gore's endorsement of Howard Dean came as a surprise to nobody, except Gore's former running mate, Joe Lieberman. He found it pretty damn surprising.
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Jon Stewart: Al Sharpton did have a point, that is, that Howard Dean did not employ a black or Latino worker during his tenure as governor... of *Vermont*, a fact affirmed by Vermont's minority population. I believe his name is Eddie.
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Jon Stewart: Apparently at around two o'clock the technicians in the power stations were alerted to a problem in the power grid when the lights went out... up and down the eastern seaboard.
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Jon Stewart: As I understand, you gave some testimony too.
Stephen Colbert: Well, I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.
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Jon Stewart: As you know, we cater to a pretty young audience, how does your message relate to young people?
Howard Dean: I think young people are interested in the environment and the economy because...
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I think we're speaking to a younger audience.
Howard Dean: Young people are interested in green grass, and not spending more money...
Jon Stewart: I think we need to go younger.
Howard Dean: OK... Cleanliness, and...
Jon Stewart: You know what, maybe you could just jangle your keys for a while.
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Jon Stewart: At this point, the White House Press Corps has been replaced with actual journalists!
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Jon Stewart: Because the seating for the Pope's funeral went in alphabetical order, the leaders of the country sat in order - Iran, Ireland, Israel. Three countries and four religions that hate each other.
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Jon Stewart: But apparently we liberal, secular fags here at Comedy Central have fired a devastating year-old six-second long joke, that doesn't barely even make any sense to us any more, across the bow of Christianity. When you think of Liberals, your thoughts naturally turn to others who're fighting against Christmas, like the Puritans: the first white Americans who banned Christmas celebrations for 22 years in Boston because they deemed all of them unseemly. Godless pricks!
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Jon Stewart: Despite reports that John Kerry was wounded three times in Vietnam, it was revealed today that he was only wounded twice. So in other words, he's a pussy.
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Jon Stewart: Do you know of any candidate that has gone from top to bottom, from king to serf, so quickly as Howard Dean?
Bob Dole: I did.
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Jon Stewart: Earlier in the show I intimated that Julia Roberts was a speed junkie. That's not true. In real life, and don't hold this against her, she's a cannibal.
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Jon Stewart: Enron! Halliburton! No WMDs in Iraq! With all these things going on, what was Congress most concerned about? That's right, baseball. This week, the Congressional hearings on steroid abuse began. Among those that were testifying include: Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Paul Giambi, and Shrinkynuts McAngrypants!
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Jon Stewart: Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. "The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.
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Jon Stewart: Even though the municipal workers' union withdrew its support for Howard Dean, Dean still has the support of the 50, 000 member 'Angry Pipe-fitters Union'. Reached for comment, the union leader said, "AAh! Freakin' pipes! Won't freakin' fit together! Makin' me so mad!"
TV Show: The Daily Show