The Closer Quotes

Brenda Leigh Johnson: There is no substitute for sugar.

TV Show: The Closer
Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson: What I wouldn't give to see the egg she hatched from.

TV Show: The Closer
Det. Lt. Provenza: Ok, everybody; mark the date. [long pause]
Det. Lt. Provenza: I was wrong.

TV Show: The Closer
Det. Lt. Provenza: I've been waiting my entire career to say this... [long pause]
Det. Lt. Provenza: The butler did it.

TV Show: The Closer
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: [Sgt. Gabriel's suspension after having beaten a suspect has ended two days earlier. Lt. Provenza is about to take Chief Johnson to the nursing home around which the investigation centers] Oh, sergeant Gabriel... If you could, please, babysit the suspect while I'm gone? [Gabriel silently accepts]
Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson: Thank you. [Johnson leaves]
Detective Lt. Provenza: [while passing sgt. Gabriel] There's no need to beat information out of this old man. He's been confessing all morning. [Gabriel silently goes on about his duty]

TV Show: The Closer
Kieran O'Donnell: I'm not an alcoholic! I can drink at home!

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: What do you suppose Heather would have done if she figured out what Dean was up to?
Lindsay: I hope she would have taken him for everything he's worth.

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Brenda: [complaining to Pope] I was promised a crew of elite detectives, and what Capt. Taylor here has given me is a bunch of junior varsity wannabees ...and Provenza.

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Brenda: The Constitution entitles you to a lawyer, Mr. Kingsley, not a firm.

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: [To Chief Pope] Look, I have another issue I have to discuss with you. The Priority Murder Squad got its stationery yesterday, and I just got a look at it this morning. [She holds up a note pad showing the initials P.M.S. for "Priority Murder Squad"]

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: Oh no, no, no. You don't need an attorney because if you get an attorney I plan to sit down with your fiancee and have a nice long chat with her about what you've been doing with your penis.

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Pope: When did the FBI get back to you so fast? I'm still waiting to hear back on Oswald and Kennedy.

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Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face, I'd still be married.

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Brenda: [To Sgt. Gabriel] I should probably explain that I do not form my relationships with people based on how they're treating you. That would be your mother, maybe.

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Brenda: As hard as a secret is to uncover, it's even harder to keep.

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Brenda: Are you trying to encourage me or make me nervous?
Pope: I'm just trying to figure out why you're so damn confident you can get this woman to help you.
Brenda: Well, because Will, I know a little something about admiring the boss and finding out he's not the guy you thought he was.

TV Show: The Closer
Sgt. Gabriel: When you handcuff Dean Kingsley and put him in the back seat of your car, you're going to have helicopters, news vans and millions of television viewers, all escorting you back here to Parker Center.
Brenda: So?
Sgt. Gabriel: So, are you absolutely sure you can, by yourself, drive back here without getting lost?
[Brenda hesitates, then hands over her car keys]
Sgt. Gabriel: Thank you. Thank you. I know that was very difficult for you, but thank you.

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: I can't make the pieces fit together in this case and every other street in the hills is called Mulholland somethin'.
Fritz: I thought you had a driver.
Brenda: Oh, I did. But I got mad at him and now I'm late everywhere.

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Fritz: Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Brenda: No, no, no. You know what? It's fine. Really. Are you still not drinkin'? Because I could use a drink. [to server] Excuse me. Hi there. May I have a huge glass of merlot, please? Thank you.

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Jennifer: I put everything in a green plastic bag and tossed it somewhere over on Mullholland Drive.
Brenda: Could you be a little more specific?

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Pope: [after Brenda asks him to stall the FBI] Okay, but when the black helicopters start hovering over the building, try to wrap it up!

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Provenza: Where's Scarlett O'Hara? [Referring to Brenda]

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[Hearing the voice on Fritz' GPS]
Brenda: What is that?
Fritz: I call her Tara. I think it's the same woman who does my voice mail.

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Brenda: So why don't you just ask me about it? I know what you're thinking.
Fritz: Ok, I did read the article about your ethics investigation.
Brenda: And you were wondering what all the hoopla was about.
Fritz: Well, it's none of my business, really, but, uh, yeah.
Provenza: [Eavesdropping with Buzz over Brenda's wire] Ok. Here we go. Spill your guts.
Brenda: It was my crazy ex-husband...
Buzz: Lieutenant, this is making me really uncomfortable.
Provenza: Buzz, don't make me pull out my gun.

TV Show: The Closer
Young Man: Um, I was just wondering... Is there a reward for reporting a murder?
Brenda: Yes. [Takes the boy's hand and breaks into a smile] Thank you so much for serving the community.

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: [to Flynn] I should like to state as emphatically as I can how unhappy I am that you went over my head. This idea of yours is a no-go, because I don't like waiting around for two months while a judge determines exacly what a special master can do in this case and maybe lose the hearing. However, if we find ourselves reduced to pursuing alternatives of a dubious legal nature, or should the sun explode, I promise to reconsider your suggestion... Thank youuuu.

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: [Sticks a gun in Gage's side] You feel that in your gut?
Gage: Are you loaded?
Brenda: Get off me or you're going to find out!

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: Low functioning autistics have no language skills; they cannot survive independently by themselvles. Keith is not like that. According to his school records, he's very intelligent but he does have issues : he's unemotional, frequently says inappropriate things, he's literal-minded, he gets fixated on minor details, he gets agitated when his routine is altered and he's extremely uncooperative when anything or anyone gets in the way of him doing what he wants.
Flynn: Does he have a Georgia accent?

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: ...I like to have answers before I ask questions.

TV Show: The Closer
Brenda: [Holding out a meowing pillowcase] The cat's sick.
Gabriel: You brought your cat to a crime scene?
Brenda: It's not my cat, it just lives with me and eats at my house.

TV Show: The Closer