The Daily Show Quotes
Jon Stewart: What do those drugs do, Rob?
Rob Corddry: Ask your doctor.
Jon Stewart: Seriously, what do they do?
Rob Corddry: Seriously, Jon, ask your doctor. I don't know. See, if a pharmaceutical company advertises a prescription drug but doesn't say what it does, the FDA doesn't make them list the side effects. That's why the TV spots for the drugs I just mentioned don't give the foggiest indication for what those pills do other than that they seem to help old people ride tandem bicycles.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: What is this 'Party of Death' and what can we do to defeat it?
Ramesh Ponnuru: The 'Party of Death' is a term I use to describe all the forces in our politics and culture that are undermining the right to life.
Jon Stewart: And that would be in the domain of the Democrats, the media, and the courts.
Ramesh Ponnuru: And more broadly in the rest of society.
Jon Stewart: Now, I read your book. The rest of society isn't mentioned.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Where is Iran located? It's situated conveniently between Iraq and Afghanistan, meaning that... [shows a map with three X's between the countries]
Jon Stewart: Hey! But what do we know about Iran? Well, its capital is Tehran. Its national language is Farsi. Its currency is the Rial. And its architecture is still standing. But what are they up to? Something.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, eight votes would be called a 'landslide' in some of New Hampshire's less populated districts... if it weren't for the *real* landslides that those areas are subject to.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, it's a courageous move, releasing a pro-Jesus film in America. Very unusually bold.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
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Jon Stewart: Yes, that's a *former Pentagon spokesperson*, explaining to a *reporter*, why *propaganda* may not be good.
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Jon Stewart: Yesterday the White House unveiled a plan to deal with terrorist attacks on Election Day. It's part of a program where the President, under certain circumstances, could declare himself Caesar.
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Jon Stewart: Yesterday they performed the first successful partial face transplant, on a 38-year-old who wished to remain anonymous. Although I have to say, it seems like a long way to go just to remain anonymous.
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Jon Stewart: You know what the situation room is? The guy's got a satellite dish, that's all it is.
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Jon Stewart: You know, if I had a nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after bin Laden.
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Jon Stewart: You were supposed to be here last week, but you had to cancel.
Natalie Portman: That's right. I got food poisoning.
Jon Stewart: Yeah. And you told me before the show that whenever you tell people that, they never ask you "How are you doing?"
Natalie Portman: That's right. They always say, "What did you eat?" instead. It's really selfish, you know?
Jon Stewart: Uh-huh, right. Anyway, the reason I brought it up is because you never told me what you ate.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Bill O'Reilly: [to John McCain in an interview] But I think that coerced interrogation... the Bagram guys tell me it works, it's just a matter of degree.
Jon Stewart: That's Bill O'Reilly giving lectures on torture to John "five years of drinking my own urine in a bamboo cage" McCain.
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Rob Corddry: [playing The Sims] How do we... steal a car and shoot some hookers?
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Rob Corddry: Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.
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Rob Corddry: But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.
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Rob Corddry: How long have we known each other?
Guy at Caucus: [confused] Umm... [gives the camera an "Are you serious?" look]
Guy at Caucus: About 15 minutes.
Rob Corddry: Remember that time on Dean's bus?
Guy at Caucus: No, no, I don't.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, *do* you remember? I have no idea.
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Rob Corddry: That's right, Jon. Kerry wanted to put on a strong public show of unity for the party, key word there ? "public."
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: That's why we have this. It's the liberal media filter. It was invented in the 1950s by angry gays and Jews who couldn't get work in musical theater. You know all those nice things you said about President Bush?
Jon Stewart: Yes, all those nice things that I said.
Rob Corddry: Well, thanks to this filter, they all appear to come out negative.
Jon Stewart: Is there a conservative media filter?
Rob Corddry: They're working on it - it's a work in progress. Although they don't seem to really dig technology all that much.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: The mood here at Kerry's headquarters is one of absolute celebration, Jon, elation.
Jon Stewart: Unbelievable! Even 24 hours later, spirits are still high at the Kerry camp.
Rob Corddry: There's a *lot* of things still high at the Kerry camp, Jon! Spirits would be one of them, most of the junior campaign staff would be the other! [to people offscreen]
Rob Corddry: Hey, guys, come on, don't forget to breathe out!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: Think about it, Jon - the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we'd be playing right into their hands.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: This is pork-barrel politics at its worst.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: How so?
Rob Corddry: It's... so so.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?
Rob Corddry: Do you?
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...
Rob Corddry: Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?
TV Show: The Daily Show
Rob Corddry: Underneath the rotted timbers of the sunken vessel lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted... by Adolf Hitler.
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Rob Corddry: Yes, Jon, Howard Dean did make some big mistakes campaigning for the Iowa Caucus, namely, spending too much time in Iowa.
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Ed Helms: "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."
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Ed Helms: April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags.
TV Show: The Daily Show
Ed Helms: First there was the New Hampshire primary, and we had nearly a year leading up to it. And now, look! Three primaries in one weekend! How many of these things are they going to have?
Jon Stewart: Uh... there's fifty, Ed.
Ed Helms: Fifty? That's almost one per state!
TV Show: The Daily Show
Ed Helms: Jon, I'm being told Whittington's condition has now been upgraded from "stable" to "stable but still shot in the face by the vice president." It's good news really.
TV Show: The Daily Show