Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child. [Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]
Harry Dunne: .
Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date]Bye, dad.
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves]Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne! [about to eat from a dustbin]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?
Harry Dunne: Bon appetite, kid!

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Captain Lippencott: I thought those Canadian accents were a little shakey.
Gus: Yeah? YOU try it.

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Lloyd Christmas: Wow, so this is what rock-bottom feels like. Hm, not THAT bad.

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[last lines] Harry Dunne: Bush Club!
Lloyd Christmas: Bush Club! [laughing]

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Fraida Felcher: So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?
Harry Dunne: Well, why wouldn't we?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Fraida Felcher: Because we never had sex.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word hot tub jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.
Fraida Felcher: You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.
Harry Dunne: Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?
Fraida Felcher: Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.
Lloyd Christmas: What if I go like this?
Lloyd Christmas: [wiggles his finger]
Fraida Felcher: No.

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Fraida Felcher: Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.
Lloyd Christmas: Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!
Fraida Felcher: So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.

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Captain Lippencott: Why are you standing in the toilet?
Harry Dunne: So you wouldn't see my feet.
Captain Lippencott: Why not just stand on the rim?
Harry Dunne: There's ball hairs all over that thing. I'm not stupid.

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Harry Dunne: Mrs. P. What are you doing here?
Dr. Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
Harry Dunne: Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.

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Harry Dunne: Wow. Great accent, Doc. Where you from?
Dr. Walcott: England. Surrey.
Harry Dunne: Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago. We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.

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Dr. Meldmann: Okay, may I ask you a question, doctor. And I don't mean to be insensitive. But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Aspergers?
Lloyd Christmas: Probably. I know he doesn't wipe real well.

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Lloyd Christmas: Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.
Harry Dunne: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

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Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.
Lloyd Christmas: It shrank mine.

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Harry Dunne: Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.
Lloyd Christmas: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.
Harry Dunne: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

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Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.
Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.
Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry]Tattoo.
Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well? [Fraida shows her tattoo]
Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmm. [Fraida pushes up the smiley face]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?
Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?

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Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.
Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this? [hits Harry in his crotch]

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Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask. [to Penny]
Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives? [Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

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Harry Dunne: [Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital]Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross

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Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her. [Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone]Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking]This is your Dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents]Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

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[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are diamonds under her blanket] Lloyd Christmas: Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right. [starts moaning]
Lloyd Christmas: [wiggling his arm]Wait. There's no diamonds here.
Mrs. Snergle: [sternly]And you're not my grandson!

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Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...
Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

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Lloyd Christmas: Cheers!
Fraida Felcher: Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?
Lloyd Christmas: The Slurpee machine in the back.
Fraida Felcher: That's embalming fluid.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Does it have aspartame?
Fraida Felcher: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Cool.

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Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.
Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?
Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.
Lloyd Christmas: Why?
Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.
Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?
Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.

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Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.
Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer: Yes. [Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

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[first lines] Asylum Nurse No. 1: There he is again.
Asylum Nurse
2: Almost two decades and he still comes.
Asylum Nurse No. 1: So sad.

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Trucker's Pal: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

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Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.
Lloyd Christmas: Do you love him long time?

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Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter]Suck me sideways!
Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!
Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the side with the stamp.
Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

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Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years]Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!
Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately? [Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?
Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy]What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.
Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!
Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!
Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.
Billy: Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!
Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.
Lloyd Christmas
Harry Dunne: [Together at once]BOOGA! [the pair frighten Billy]
Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

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Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment]Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.
Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed]Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: [Sarcastically]Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

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Harry Dunne: Lloyd? I think that was her gran-gina.
Mrs. Snergle: That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.

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Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
Lloyd Christmas: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to... [Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!
Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!

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Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
Fraida Felcher: Well... [whispers to Harry and Lloyd]
Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!
Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!
Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!
Harry Dunne: Can you show us?
Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.

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Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play He Who Smelt It?
Harry Dunne: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.
Lloyd Christmas: False fart!
Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.
Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!
Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.
Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.

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Captain Lippencott: Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!

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Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: What?
Harry Dunne: Am I right?
Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

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Lloyd Christmas
Harry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott]Show us your tits!
Harry Dunne: Both of 'em!

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Lloyd Christmas: Hey, who's this?
Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.
Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?
Harry Dunne: Oh. 'Cause of this. [shows the cat's butthole]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

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Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?
Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember
Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August
Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

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Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!
Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?
Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!
Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.
Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.
Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

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Harry Dunne: [Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home]Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.

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Harry Dunne: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Dr. Meldmann: Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?
Lloyd Christmas: No, Like the tree.

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Harry Dunne: Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
Lloyd Christmas: That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

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Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure. [constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Lloyd Christmas: That!

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[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]
Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.
Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.
Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?
Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.
Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.
Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

Movie / TV: Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Lloyd
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[first lines]
Lloyd: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supose to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

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Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?
Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.
Ray: [happy] My boy's special! How about that! [hugs Lloyd]
Ray: I knew you were different!

Movie / TV: Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Lloyd
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Mr. Moffitt: I can turn all the faucets on in my house. Even the hose.

Movie / TV: Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Lloyd
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Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

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Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!
Harry Dunne: I know...
Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!

Movie / TV: Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Lloyd
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Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?
Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

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Harry: I like your flight suit.
Ray: I'm a custodian.
Harry: Well then... [salutes Ray]

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Harry: I like your flight suit.
Ray: I'm a custodian.
Harry: Well then... [salutes Ray]

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Dale's Man: They're driving an '84... Sheepdog.

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Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy I don't think I can stand it.

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[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]

Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.

Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.

Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?

Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.

Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.

Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

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Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.

Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?

Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.

Lloyd Christmas: All Right!

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Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!

Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in ******! My car's covered in ******!

Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off]

Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in ****!

Lloyd: Who's that?

Harry Dunne: Jessica's Dad? she says he's really anal.

Lloyd: [winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.

Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
[fade out]

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Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.

Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.

Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles]

Principal Collins: Look at this. The Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant.

Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.

Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!

Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.

Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.

Principal Collins: No.
[Ms. Heller sighs]

Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: We start our own class.

Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as Special?

Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.

Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.

Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below]

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
[Turk laughs]

Principal Collins: Bingo.

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Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?

Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

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Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?

Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

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Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.

Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.

Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles]

Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".

Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.

Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!

Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.

Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.

Principal Collins: No.
[Ms. Heller sighs]

Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: We start our own class.

Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?

Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.

Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.

Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below]

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
[Turk laughs]

Principal Collins: Bingo.

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Harry Dunne: I like your outfit Mr Polar Bear.

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Doctor: Come on out, you little bastard.

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Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!

Harry Dunne: I know...

Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!

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Ms. Heller: The band sounds awful.

Principal Collins: Ha ha. I sold the wood instruments for Hawaiian Air tickets.

Movie / TV: Dumb and Dumber
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Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.

Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

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Harry Dunne: Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

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Turk: [after Harry and Jessica and Harry finish talking] Hey Harry, did Jessica give you that banana in your pocket?

Harry Dunne: No, my mom did!

Turk: Gross!

Harry Dunne: [pulls out of pocket]

Harry Dunne: Want some?

Turk: [saying discustedly] NO!

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[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]

Lewis: Aah.

Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.

Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.

Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?

Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.

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[Turk comes up behind Lloyd and grabs him in a Head-Lock. Lloyd introduces him to Harry]

Lloyd: This is my Mohawk friend, Turk. He's part of the "Cool Crowd".
[to Turk]

Lloyd: Hey, Kimosabe!

Turk: Shut up, Ass-Face.

Lloyd: That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.

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Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God. Shit everywhere. There's shit everywhere! Damnit! There's shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There's shit everywhere!

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Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy I don't think I can stand it.

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[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]

Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.

Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.

Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?

Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.

Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.

Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!

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Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!

Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

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Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?

Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.

Ray: [happy] My boy's special! How about that!
[hugs Lloyd]

Ray: I knew you were different!

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Lloyd Christmas: Chicks are for fags!

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Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.

Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?

Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.

Lloyd Christmas: All Right!

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Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.

Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?

Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

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Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!

Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

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Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?

Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.

Ray: [happy] My boy's special! How about that!
[hugs Lloyd]

Ray: I knew you were different!

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Lloyd Christmas: Chicks are for fags!

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Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!

Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*!

Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off]

Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit!

Lloyd: Who's that?

Harry Dunne: Jessica's Dad? she says he's really anal.

Lloyd: [winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.

Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
[fade out]

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Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?

Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.

Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?

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Harry: I like your flight suit.

Ray: I'm a custodian.

Harry: Well then...
[salutes Ray]

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Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.

Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?

Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

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Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!

Harry Dunne: I know...

Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!

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Ms. Heller: The band sounds awful.

Principal Collins: Ha ha. I sold the wood instruments for Hawaiian Air tickets.

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Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.

Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

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Harry Dunne: Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.

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Turk: [after Harry and Jessica and Harry finish talking] Hey Harry, did Jessica give you that banana in your pocket?

Harry Dunne: No, my mom did!

Turk: Gross!

Harry Dunne: [pulls out of pocket]

Harry Dunne: Want some?

Turk: [saying discustedly] NO!

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[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]

Lewis: Aah.

Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.

Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.

Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?

Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.

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Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?

Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.

Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?

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Harry: I like your flight suit.

Ray: I'm a custodian.

Harry: Well then...
[salutes Ray]

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[Turk comes up behind Lloyd and grabs him in a Head-Lock. Lloyd introduces him to Harry]

Lloyd: This is my Mohawk friend, Turk. He's part of the Cool Crowd.
[to Turk]

Lloyd: Hey, Kimosabe!

Turk: Shut up, Ass-Face.

Lloyd: That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.

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Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God. **** everywhere. There's **** everywhere! Damnit! There's **** on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of ****! He **** everywhere! Look what he did! He **** all over the walls! There's **** everywhere!

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