Mock the Week Quotes
Hugh Dennis: And now to upset children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig... in pepper sauce.
Chris Addison: Oh God, oh, Oh God, oh, oh--- and Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
Stewart Francis: Up next, Ryan Giggs appears on "Footballers' Wives".
Andy Parsons: Up next on Channel 4, Live from Switzerland, it's "Come Die With Me".
Seann Walsh: And now for a special episode of "Planet Earth" where six chimpanzees will watch David Attenbourough have sex.
Hugh Dennis: Now is the time I have to be extremely careful, cuase the next program is about Roald Dahl, genius behind Willy Wanker's choc- bollocks.
Ava Vidal: Next on the History Channel, "WWII In Color". Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
Andy Parsons: Just to clear up some confusion for our regular viewers, ITV2+1 is not the same as ITV3.
Hugh Dennis: First though, there's a serial killer on the loose... in "Balamory".
Andy Parsons: If you've been affected by some of the issues in "Eastenders", they must have been acting it better than they usually do.
Seann Walsh: And now, "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" for the hard of hearing. (makes random hand movements)
Chris Addison: You're watching The Dignitas Channel. For God's sake, don't press the red button!
Andy Parsons: Next up, it's "Bargain Hunt", which is also rhyming slang for the bloke who presents it.
Hugh Dennis: Right now, Kate Humble's in the lambing shed. (groans)
Chris Addison: Oh God, oh, Oh God, oh, oh--- and Nigella will be back at the same time next week.
Stewart Francis: Up next, Ryan Giggs appears on "Footballers' Wives".
Andy Parsons: Up next on Channel 4, Live from Switzerland, it's "Come Die With Me".
Seann Walsh: And now for a special episode of "Planet Earth" where six chimpanzees will watch David Attenbourough have sex.
Hugh Dennis: Now is the time I have to be extremely careful, cuase the next program is about Roald Dahl, genius behind Willy Wanker's choc- bollocks.
Ava Vidal: Next on the History Channel, "WWII In Color". Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.
Andy Parsons: Just to clear up some confusion for our regular viewers, ITV2+1 is not the same as ITV3.
Hugh Dennis: First though, there's a serial killer on the loose... in "Balamory".
Andy Parsons: If you've been affected by some of the issues in "Eastenders", they must have been acting it better than they usually do.
Seann Walsh: And now, "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" for the hard of hearing. (makes random hand movements)
Chris Addison: You're watching The Dignitas Channel. For God's sake, don't press the red button!
Andy Parsons: Next up, it's "Bargain Hunt", which is also rhyming slang for the bloke who presents it.
Hugh Dennis: Right now, Kate Humble's in the lambing shed. (groans)
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: Dear Deidre, I have recently become obsessed with a woman and began stalking her. Look out of the window.
Andy Parsons: My partner won't give me oral sex, which is really annoying, because that's the only reason I formed a coalition with him in the first place.
Milton Jones: My wife says I don't feel anything, which is a problem, cause there was something else... oh, yes, I'm on fire.
Micky Flanagan: I'm 26, my girlfriend's 36. Is 10 years too big an age gap? Cause her daughter's 16, she's a right little sauce.
Hugh Dennis: I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She's 167.
Alun Cochrane: Dear Deidre, I'm from Nigeria and I'm fed up of Nicky Flanagan mocking my accent!
Zoe Lyons: Dear Auntie, I'm a nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz)
Andy Parsons: My mates are getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them the mates rate or just normal prices?
Milton Jones: Dear Deidre, I am a control freak. What should I do? I'll tell you what I should do.
Hugh Dennis: I am 96, but I am convinced young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
Micky Flanagan: I've been wearing a cabbage sheet for a long time, but I can't get any cheese!
Andy Parsons: I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. Could you tell us please how to get out of position 43 of the Kama Sutra?
Alun Cochrane: I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really, really, really worried aobut my pension!
Andy Parsons: My partner won't give me oral sex, which is really annoying, because that's the only reason I formed a coalition with him in the first place.
Milton Jones: My wife says I don't feel anything, which is a problem, cause there was something else... oh, yes, I'm on fire.
Micky Flanagan: I'm 26, my girlfriend's 36. Is 10 years too big an age gap? Cause her daughter's 16, she's a right little sauce.
Hugh Dennis: I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She's 167.
Alun Cochrane: Dear Deidre, I'm from Nigeria and I'm fed up of Nicky Flanagan mocking my accent!
Zoe Lyons: Dear Auntie, I'm a nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz)
Andy Parsons: My mates are getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them the mates rate or just normal prices?
Milton Jones: Dear Deidre, I am a control freak. What should I do? I'll tell you what I should do.
Hugh Dennis: I am 96, but I am convinced young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
Micky Flanagan: I've been wearing a cabbage sheet for a long time, but I can't get any cheese!
Andy Parsons: I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. Could you tell us please how to get out of position 43 of the Kama Sutra?
Alun Cochrane: I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really, really, really worried aobut my pension!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's not gonna be there for 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar...
Andy Parsons: Serena Williams has been seeded... you gotta admire the bravery of that bloke.
Milton Jones: Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chew Barker.
Hugh Dennis: Well, they say that the All-England Club is a bit behind the times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
Milton Jones: I am a tennis umpire, and gay, and it wasn't easy to come OUT!
Alun Cochrane: What a fantastic slice, but I do think the All-England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
Zoe Lyons: FUCK OFF, TIM!
Hugh Dennis: Well, how did the umpire get up there? I think he used the stepladder.
Milton Jones: Of course this year, the British players play a lot better. If we look at the graph here, we see huge biceps and an angry- sorry, Steffi, wrong graph.
Andy Parsons: And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you can see there in that glass of Pims is fruit.
Micky Flanagan: Andy Murray here, and Andy Murray not going to be able to make it here today, but we do have his cab driver on the other line. Can you tell us what's occured? I couldn't get in the key!
Alun Cochrane: And the mound has taken a pounding in the last four nights, and I think the All-England Club is fine with it as long as it doesn't affect the tennis.
Andy Parsons: Serena Williams has been seeded... you gotta admire the bravery of that bloke.
Milton Jones: Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chew Barker.
Hugh Dennis: Well, they say that the All-England Club is a bit behind the times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
Milton Jones: I am a tennis umpire, and gay, and it wasn't easy to come OUT!
Alun Cochrane: What a fantastic slice, but I do think the All-England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
Zoe Lyons: FUCK OFF, TIM!
Hugh Dennis: Well, how did the umpire get up there? I think he used the stepladder.
Milton Jones: Of course this year, the British players play a lot better. If we look at the graph here, we see huge biceps and an angry- sorry, Steffi, wrong graph.
Andy Parsons: And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you can see there in that glass of Pims is fruit.
Micky Flanagan: Andy Murray here, and Andy Murray not going to be able to make it here today, but we do have his cab driver on the other line. Can you tell us what's occured? I couldn't get in the key!
Alun Cochrane: And the mound has taken a pounding in the last four nights, and I think the All-England Club is fine with it as long as it doesn't affect the tennis.
TV Show: Mock the Week