Mock the Week Quotes
Ed Byrne: In [Pope John Paul II's last days, he apologised for the Spanish Inquisition! How old is this guy? [Impersonates Pope Jean-Paul II] 'Yeah, sorry about that; high spirits, we were all a bit drunk!'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: Remember in the World Cup when Wayne Rooney turned up in a potato? Surely he must turn up in most of them?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Ed Byrne: There are a lot of problems in the world, but it's okay because wristbands are sorting them all out.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Jo Brand: [When given the topic of 'Living with Terror'] That's how my husband describes our marriage.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On the subject of identity cards] Identity cards don't mean that your identity won't be stolen, it just means that once it's stolen, you're screwed. "Oh, I've left my wallet in the hotel; I'm going to need new eyeballs and a finger transplant."
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [After making a joke in which he implied having sex with '60 men and countless prostitutes'] I really hope that doesn't go out, because my dad watches this and he's never been that sure.
Andy Parsons: Would he be disappointed by the number of prostitutes?
Dara Ó Briain: No, he's never been sure about the show.
Frankie Boyle: No, he loves this, largely because you're Irish, and he really hates the English.
Ed Byrne: [Also an Irishman] It'll be twice as much fun for him this week!
Dara Ó Briain: Bags O' Irish!
Andy Parsons: Would he be disappointed by the number of prostitutes?
Dara Ó Briain: No, he's never been sure about the show.
Frankie Boyle: No, he loves this, largely because you're Irish, and he really hates the English.
Ed Byrne: [Also an Irishman] It'll be twice as much fun for him this week!
Dara Ó Briain: Bags O' Irish!
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Frankie Boyle: [Impersonating Sir Menzies Campbell] "I have many fond memories of Brighton; I came here as a boy..."
Hugh Dennis: "... On a longboat, in a Viking invasion."
Hugh Dennis: "... On a longboat, in a Viking invasion."
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Frankie Boyle: [Impersonating Sir Menzies Campbell] "Unlike the Tories, we have a clear idea of where we're going."
Hugh Dennis: "Nowhere."
Hugh Dennis: "Nowhere."
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [Impersonating Sir Menzies Campbell] "I'm a man who's not afraid of a challenge. I was once an Olympic athlete..."
Hugh Dennis: "... In the original games in 463 BC!"
Hugh Dennis: "... In the original games in 463 BC!"
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: When I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I'd like you to crawl out of the wreckage and fetch help.
Hugh Dennis: Okay, when I give you the signal, I want you to wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker.
Russell Howard: When I say go, foot down, straight through the jeweler's, get what you can.
Frankie Boyle: You made one mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker.
David Mitchell: Well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed.
Hugh Dennis: Well, at least we know the airbags work.
Frankie Boyle: If I fail, can I still keep driving my taxi?
Mark Watson: Me, in a car. Can't believe it.
Hugh Dennis: Okay, when I give you the signal, I want you to wind the window down and call the cyclist a wanker.
Russell Howard: When I say go, foot down, straight through the jeweler's, get what you can.
Frankie Boyle: You made one mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover up the smell of a dead hitchhiker.
David Mitchell: Well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed.
Hugh Dennis: Well, at least we know the airbags work.
Frankie Boyle: If I fail, can I still keep driving my taxi?
Mark Watson: Me, in a car. Can't believe it.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: (As The Queen) Yum yum, I've just eaten a swan.
Russell Howard: And now, an impression. They call me Mr. Boombastic...
Hugh Dennis: (Still as The Queen) Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
Frankie Boyle: It's been good to spend time with my family... and Harry.
Hugh Dennis: (Still as The Queen) This year, I am in an unusual location. I'm in a cave with Osama Bin Laden.
Russell Howard: Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf.
Frankie Boyle: I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
Russell Howard: And now, an impression. They call me Mr. Boombastic...
Hugh Dennis: (Still as The Queen) Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
Frankie Boyle: It's been good to spend time with my family... and Harry.
Hugh Dennis: (Still as The Queen) This year, I am in an unusual location. I'm in a cave with Osama Bin Laden.
Russell Howard: Don't tell anyone, but I'm actually an elf.
Frankie Boyle: I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Andy Parsons: He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
Hugh Dennis: And God said "Let there be light." Sponsored by Powergen.
Frankie Boyle: A man who lies with another man should be stoned. It helps, that's all I'm saying.
Ian Stone: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Mark Watson: And God said, "Right. That's the 14 commandments. Now will you remember all those?"
Hugh Dennis: Table for 12, Jesus? I can do two 6s at 8: 30.
Frankie Boyle: And on the 8th day, God made a magical talking leopard, and forgot all about us.
Frankie Boyle: All the characters in this novel are ficticious.
Hugh Dennis: And God said "Let there be light." Sponsored by Powergen.
Frankie Boyle: A man who lies with another man should be stoned. It helps, that's all I'm saying.
Ian Stone: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Mark Watson: And God said, "Right. That's the 14 commandments. Now will you remember all those?"
Hugh Dennis: Table for 12, Jesus? I can do two 6s at 8: 30.
Frankie Boyle: And on the 8th day, God made a magical talking leopard, and forgot all about us.
Frankie Boyle: All the characters in this novel are ficticious.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: He's got a 4 per cent approval rating, Ming Campbell, which is nothing, right? So they could just have anybody lead them, it's not gonna make any difference, so I say - come on, let's get Lee from Blue. [Audience and panellists laugh and applaud] He's not gonna be any worse...
Dara O Briain: He's looking for a gig...
Frankie Boyle: Yeah, and also his policies aren't going to come into force so he can say whatever he wants! [Impersonating Lee Ryan]"Uh, I think that the homosexuals should declare war on the robots..." Doesn't matter, Lee from Blue, bit of a laugh!
Michael McIntyre: And also his name is very odd. His name is "Mingis"[correct pronunciation of "Menzies"], but it's pronounced - it's spelt "M-E-N-Z-I-E-S".
Dara O Briain: Yes...
Michael McIntyre: Well why are you looking at me like I'm insane? It's "Men-zeez"! Men-zeez! John Men-zeez! People don't go "Let's go to 'John Mingis'!" They don't do it! Martina Hingis! Martina Heng-giez! [To Dara O Briain] Why are you still looking at me like I'm not making sense! It's a "g", not a "z"[sic]! It's a "z", not a "g"!
Dara O Briain: Because I'm waiting for you to turn on me and mycrazy ethnic name!
Michael McIntyre: When they were bringing him up - it's Men-"z". It's not "g". When they were growing...there's something fundamentally wrong with this man - he can't speak, he doesn't understand his own name. When he was growing up, [speaks in a tone as if speaking to a child] "Hello Ming, shall we go to the goo and see the gebra? We catch Gulu Dawn and maybe get a "Ginger Burger"[Zinger burger]? It's a nonsense.
Andy Parsons: In fact, you should pronounce it "John Mingis"! Apparently it's to do with the defunct Scottish letter zog, eh! You couldn't make that sort of crap up, could you?
Frankie Boyle
Dara O Briain: He's looking for a gig...
Frankie Boyle: Yeah, and also his policies aren't going to come into force so he can say whatever he wants! [Impersonating Lee Ryan]"Uh, I think that the homosexuals should declare war on the robots..." Doesn't matter, Lee from Blue, bit of a laugh!
Michael McIntyre: And also his name is very odd. His name is "Mingis"[correct pronunciation of "Menzies"], but it's pronounced - it's spelt "M-E-N-Z-I-E-S".
Dara O Briain: Yes...
Michael McIntyre: Well why are you looking at me like I'm insane? It's "Men-zeez"! Men-zeez! John Men-zeez! People don't go "Let's go to 'John Mingis'!" They don't do it! Martina Hingis! Martina Heng-giez! [To Dara O Briain] Why are you still looking at me like I'm not making sense! It's a "g", not a "z"[sic]! It's a "z", not a "g"!
Dara O Briain: Because I'm waiting for you to turn on me and mycrazy ethnic name!
Michael McIntyre: When they were bringing him up - it's Men-"z". It's not "g". When they were growing...there's something fundamentally wrong with this man - he can't speak, he doesn't understand his own name. When he was growing up, [speaks in a tone as if speaking to a child] "Hello Ming, shall we go to the goo and see the gebra? We catch Gulu Dawn and maybe get a "Ginger Burger"[Zinger burger]? It's a nonsense.
Andy Parsons: In fact, you should pronounce it "John Mingis"! Apparently it's to do with the defunct Scottish letter zog, eh! You couldn't make that sort of crap up, could you?
Frankie Boyle
TV Show: Mock the Week
Stephen K. Amos: Can I just say that I'm very excited to be here by the way, and if things don't go too well, I will be playing the race card.
Frankie Boyle: That's always worked for me!
Frankie Boyle: That's always worked for me!
TV Show: Mock the Week
[Suggested question for the answer '100 pounds per day']
Stephen K. Amos: Is it David Blunkett's swear box as he hangs pictures?
[Mimes Blunkett hammering nails into the wall, missing and hitting his own thumb.]
Dara Ó Briain: I get that he'd miss the nail because he's blind, but why's he hanging pictures? He's blind!
Stephen K. Amos: Is it David Blunkett's swear box as he hangs pictures?
[Mimes Blunkett hammering nails into the wall, missing and hitting his own thumb.]
Dara Ó Briain: I get that he'd miss the nail because he's blind, but why's he hanging pictures? He's blind!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Ed Byrne: It's not a recession; stop calling it that. It's all an American thing, isn't it; if you call it a recession then it sounds like a bad thing, whereas 'Credit Crunch' sounds like a flavour of Ice Cream by Ben & Jerry's.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: That's outrageous; you can't accuse me of being a homosexual simply because I like clean shoes.
Frankie Boyle: Yes I can.
Frankie Boyle: Yes I can.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: I feel sorry for those people who have electric Santas, snowmen and reindeers on their roof. They're going to have to economise this year and just have one sign that says 'scum.'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: When I read the headline 'Fannie Mae Collapse' I thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Stephen K. Amos: If house prices are going down by an average of £17,000, we could all move up north and buy a house for £1.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: Maybe the way to get out, thinking beyond the box, is to put the chicken on your head then start screaming about being genetically modified. Everyone would be terrified!
Dara Ó Briain: A frozen chicken?
Russell Howard: Yeah, but really go for it; ram it on. Bit of Sellotape around, then go UUUUGHHHH UUUGGGGHHHHH. Everyone would be like 'Woah, back off! It's happened! It's happened!' You get home; nom nom nom.
Dara Ó Briain: It is an incredible plan. [Sarcastically] I can't see a flaw in that plan. A plan in which you walk into a store, ram a frozen chicken onto your head...
Russell Howard: Or Blu-Tack.
Dara Ó Briain: ... or Blu-Tack a frozen chicken...
Andy Parsons: REALLY ram it on!
Dara Ó Briain: ... REALLY ram it on, and then go UUUUGHHHH UUUUGGGGHHHHHH, and then they'd go 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry!'
Frankie Boyle: Why stop there? Why not have sweeties for eyes and sausages for fingers? Was there nothing for dessert in your plan, Howard? You've just not thought this through, have you?!
Dara Ó Briain: A frozen chicken?
Russell Howard: Yeah, but really go for it; ram it on. Bit of Sellotape around, then go UUUUGHHHH UUUGGGGHHHHH. Everyone would be like 'Woah, back off! It's happened! It's happened!' You get home; nom nom nom.
Dara Ó Briain: It is an incredible plan. [Sarcastically] I can't see a flaw in that plan. A plan in which you walk into a store, ram a frozen chicken onto your head...
Russell Howard: Or Blu-Tack.
Dara Ó Briain: ... or Blu-Tack a frozen chicken...
Andy Parsons: REALLY ram it on!
Dara Ó Briain: ... REALLY ram it on, and then go UUUUGHHHH UUUUGGGGHHHHHH, and then they'd go 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry!'
Frankie Boyle: Why stop there? Why not have sweeties for eyes and sausages for fingers? Was there nothing for dessert in your plan, Howard? You've just not thought this through, have you?!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: If I lived in the countryside I'd be delighted if someone did a crime because I'd be bored out of my mind. 'Thank God you've turned up with a shotgun to steal my rhubarb, could you kill me on the way out?'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: When I was a kid, I grew up in a vicarage and in ten years, we were burgled thirteen times, and on the last occasion all they stole was my pants.
[ ... ]
Ed Byrne: Were you wearing a pair at the time? Because technically that's a different crime.
[ ... ]
Ed Byrne: Were you wearing a pair at the time? Because technically that's a different crime.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: Have you been to an English seaside town? It's like a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: I was in Hastings last week. I realised that there'd been a battle in Hastings. What I didn't realise is that it had just finished.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: No-one wants to go on holiday in England, do they?
Hugh Dennis: I actually do, I like going on holiday in England.
Russell Howard: No you don't, no you don't. You've got no pants, you're a lunatic.
[Hugh Dennis stands up and undoes his trousers to prove he has underwear.]
Russell Howard: Don't prove it! Don't prove it!
Frankie Boyle: He does this every episode.
Hugh Dennis: I actually do, I like going on holiday in England.
Russell Howard: No you don't, no you don't. You've got no pants, you're a lunatic.
[Hugh Dennis stands up and undoes his trousers to prove he has underwear.]
Russell Howard: Don't prove it! Don't prove it!
Frankie Boyle: He does this every episode.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Stephen K. Amos: [on the topic of 'parents' ] My parents were very tough. When I grew up, I'd say to my mum and dad, "mum, mum, can I play outside," and she'd go [thick Nigerian accent] "SHUT UP, BASTARD! 'Play outside?' Go upstairs and read a book." We had one book: the Phone Book. I read it; it's not a great read. I won't spoil it for you, but there are a lot of characters and at the end a lot of Polish people turn up.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Russell Howard: [on the subject of the Daily Express] They might as well just get rid of news, and every day run: "DON'T GO OUTSIDE! IT'S FULL OF QUEERS, BLACKS AND CRIME! Oh, if only Diana were here..."
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: [imitating Prince Philip talking to Nicolas Sarkozy] Have you seen a program called Wife Swap?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: Ronaldo in slavery c... conundrum?
Stephen K. Amos: Contract?
Ed Byrne: Controversy?
Dara Ó Briain: Controversy!
Stephen K. Amos: Contract?
Ed Byrne: Controversy?
Dara Ó Briain: Controversy!
TV Show: Mock the Week