Metalocalypse Quotes

Nathan: Get me the weather burrow...uh, bureau.
Weather Official: But that's where we are, sir.
Nathan: Excellent, outstanding, good. I command you to destroy the hurricane.
Toki: Yeah, use your weather controlling machines!
Weather Official: People can't destroy hurricanes, sir.
Nathan: Alright, uh... Knock it off course. Do that.
Weather Official: I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
Nathan: Dammit! We've tried everything.
Murderface: Not EVERYTHING... (everyone stares at Murderface)
Murderface: Well, not EVERYthing. I mean, not LITERALLY "everything"...
Nathan: Well, I didn't mean literally everything.
Murderface: You SAID literally everything!

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Ofdensen: Have you activated the emergency alert system?
Toki: Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"
Nathan: Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"
All Members: "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
Nathan: Nope, no way.
Weather Official: All alert systems have been looted and robbed.
Nathan: They stole the "beep?!"
Toki: Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"
Murderface: People are so low.
Pickles: I'd steal that.
Nathan: What the fuck do you guys even do here?
Weather Official: We name the hurricanes, sir.
Pickles: You name the hurricane, that's your job?
Weather Official: What should we name this hurricane, sir?
Nathan: Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.

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Old Man: [staring at Nathan Explosion's statue] Best fucking governor Florida ever had! [gets shot]

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Nathan: [holding a press conference] What am I supposed to be saying? What am I supposed to be saying? Hey, what am I supposed to be...oh right right right. That governor guy, he said I shouldn't have a holiday or something? Fuck him, right? Fuck that guy.

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Nathan: I swear to govern the fuck out of this piece of shit state! Now lemme hear your guns!

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Toki: Jumps out the window! Finds me a paper clip! You dos what I say or I haves you all killed! Now shits your pants!
Nathan: Toki, your boner is showing.

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Nathan: This race is a total catastrophy. [refering to Murderface; who is still feeling the effects from his pill and playing bass with his penis] Let's get him to shit his pants!
Pickles: SHIT YOUR PANTS!
Murderface: [mumbling incoherently, eyes rolling, and drooling] I SHIT MY PANTS!

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Dr. Gibbons: Gentlemen, the ego of the bass player is fragile. His emotional insecurity is triggered by the perception that he is unloved, inadequate, and worthless. Just look at William Murderface. Frightened, scared, hate-filled—the perfect specimen of devolution—cro-magnon brow, distended jaw, clammy hands, buckled stomach, back pimplage, hitchhiker thumbs, hammer-assed, fallen arches, chicken-plucked legs, sandpapery, eczema-styled skin, dry, unkempt triangle hair. This creature...devolved...whirling in that mess of self-hatred bubbling inside. This pathetic insecurity will cause him to want to be in control, of course this will be overridden by his dominant laziness, lack of concentration, and possible bipolar disorder, which should make for a most disastrous NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event.

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Murderface: Oh, it's like a Nascar...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!
Ofdensen: So it's a car race?
Murderface: Yeah!
Ofdensen: I'm confused, you want to do a car race?
Murderface: Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medeival times...
Ofdensen: Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-
Murderface: No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...
Pickles: [reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murdeface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...
Murderface: Thank you Pickles.
Ofdensen: What does this have to do with Dethklok?
Pickles: We are Dethklok!
Murderface: I'm in Dethklok!
Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer
Nathan: I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok
Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.
Ofdensen: I know! But what does this have to do with the music?
Murderface: Who cares about the music?!
Ofdensen: Well your audience cares-
Murderface: Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!
Ofdensen: Are you guys truly on board with this idea?
Nathan: [short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.
Pickles: Me too.
Ofdensen: Good day then. [leaves]
Murderface: Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...Nascar-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.

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Nathan: Okay give me a call when you need me to come pick you up, do you guys have your phones?
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
Toki: Yes.
Nathan: Okay, eat all your lunch and dont talk to anybody. There's weirdos out there.
Skwisgaar: Yeah.
Toki: Yes.
Nathan: Okay, goodbye, study hard! [drives off]
Skwisgaar: Hey Toki. I bets yous a millions billions dollars thats I will be a better driver than yous.
Toki: OH! I bets yous a krillions billions thats I will bes the best, ands the fastest!
Skwisgaar: No way! Yous are on!
Toki: Let's go! [runs out in the street as cars whiz by him; the camera cuts to Skwisgaar as you hear a bunch of crashes occur]
SKwisgaar: Whoa! Look out! Ha ha! Oh...that's funny...

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Announcer: Driving a car can be fun, but sometimes it's dangerous. Drinking and driving seems like a fun way to pass the time, maybe it isn't such a good idea. If the good Lord wanted us to drink and drive, we would've been born with smashed faces. Private Joe's going to have to spread your guts to the side of the road. That's okay, blood makes the grass grow. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra-big spatula, would you? Billy's got some eggs. Eggs that are his intestines. Where's Glenda? Late again? She'd better drive extra fast. Oh no, her tits are on Oakdale Street and her brains are on Willow Drive. That's two block away. Long way for tits to be away from brains. He's still clutching the steering wheel...with his face! Eyeballs, anyone? Wonder what he was thinking? Well, look at his brains, maybe that'll tell you.

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Mr. Gojira: Alright! Let's drive and have some fun!

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Press Person: Wait, I don't understnad, this is supposed to be what...a Nascar-type Theatrical Hybrid Event?

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Mr. Gojira: Please pull forward now.
Toki: No, I-I lets that guy go first.
Mr. Gojira: But now it's your turn.
Toki: After this guys.
Mr. Gojira: You have right of way!
Toki: After that guy. You-you gos head!
Mr. Gojira: Let'sa go, douchebag!
Skwisgaar: Leaves hims alone!
Toki: [weeps] I can'ts do it!

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Mr. GOjira: You bothes failds your driving tests-o.
SKwisgaar: Buts dats uns-possible!
Mr. Gojira: No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!
Toki: It's scary!
Mr. Gojira: I know! You told me!
Skwisgaar: Where'ds dids I fail?
Mr. Gojira: You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!
Skwisgaar: IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!
Mr. Gojira: How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!
Skwisgaar: RACIST!
Toki: Yeah, racist!
Mr. Gojira: Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!

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Ofdensen: Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.
Nathan: Oh god, that's pandering!
Murderface: Pandering!
Ofdensen: Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.
Skwisgaar: Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!
Ofdensen: Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.
Murderface: Compassion?!?
Nathan: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?
Murderface: See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!
Ofdensen: Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?
Nathan: Oh come on...
Skwisgaar: Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?
Ofdensen: No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.
Murderface: Repair our image with health care!?
Nathen: (mumble)
Toki: Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.
Nathan: Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!

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Nathan: Hey...our show's gonna be bad..because I have a cold...so does Skwisgaar, Murderface, Pickles and....[spotlight shines on Toki] uhhh......ummmmm.....we'll just play one song.

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Murderface: [while in a sauna] Hey maybe we oughtta, up the anty as they say in the medical buisness? [reading his Medeival Medical Arts book]Blood letting is the ancient inuate art of draining all the bad blood out, and letting your body generate the new blood, hey yoU! Go get some buckets and some blood-letting knives!

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Edgar: These are the moments that define us... [to Assassin] You seem preoccupied. What bothers you?
Assassin: [looks at a picture of Ofdensen] This man. He must be killed and made an example of in front of the world. I will crucify him!
Edgar: Be patient. We must strike at the right time or we could risk losing everything. [to the teenager] Excuse me, I need to get by you. Do you want a burrito also? No? Two burritos for me.
Assassin: If we kill him, they will have no one to hide behind.
Edgar: And when Dethklok plays at the hospital, we will be there, and we will take them down!

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Doctor: You're not dying, it's just a cold.
Nathan: I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.
Doctor: Did you ever have colds before?
Nathan: No.
Toki: Can'ts you gives us injections?
Murderface: Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!
Doctor: Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!
Pickles: That's my cigar...
Doctor: Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.

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[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]
Pickles: Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?
Skwisgaar: [using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!
Nathan: [using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...
Toki: [laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!
Nathan: Check it out. [laughs]
Pickles: [using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!
Skwisgaar: [using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!
Murderface: You're Leech Hitler!
Nathan: Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.
Murderface: OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!
Nathan: Now, that guy was an entertainer.
Murderface: Oh, you got that right!
Toki: Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!

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Nathan: Hey guys. You know I'm gonna start dating again, and I just thought...welll I'd like you to try your best not to fuck that up for me. There. I feel better having said that. [leaves]

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Ofdensen: Hey uh...Nathan. I uh...understand you're experiencing a little bit of uh...girl trouble. [Nathan gives no response] Just wanted to lend you a shoulder to uh...you know to uh...you...you seem like you're okay. For the record I tried. [leaves]

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Toki Wartooth: [holding a black and white photo of Charles Ofdensen] I misses him Pickle...
Pickles: We all do, Toki, even though we don't say it.
Toki: Why don'ts we says it, Pickle?
Pickles: Toki...[sighs] Because admitting sadness... [holds a little locket photo of Ofdensen]....makes you gay.

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Nathan Explosion: All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]
Text: MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION
Nathan: See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!
Text: SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION
Scientist: I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.
Nathan: FUCK money!
Band: Yeah, FUCK money.

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Toki: Slut! She sluts! Look at her!
Murderface: Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.
Pickles: What are you talkin' about?
Murderface: What?
Pickles: Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.
Murderface: That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.
Skwisgaar: Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.
Murderface: Yeah, so?
Pickles: What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!
Murderface: Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.
Pickles: And?
Murderface: And what?
Skwisgaar: Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?
Murderface: Well...then they sleep with you.
Pickles: Ah yeah, I knew it!
Skwisgaar: That's his angles! Rights theres!
Toki: Ooh, busteds!
Murderface: Oh, come on.
Pickles: Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!
Murderface: So?
Skwisgaar: Classics Murderface!

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Pickles: Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!
Skwisgaar: I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?
Toki: Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!
Pickles: Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.

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Woman: [to Murderface] Why don't you make like a bass guitar and be inaudible?

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Nathan: Wow...I never actually knew that a cock-block could save your life...thank you Murderface.
Murderface: That's okay man, I'm a hero. I'M A REAL HERO!

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Health Inspector: All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.
Nathan: Pretty metal.
Murderface: Pretty metal.
Health Inspector: Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?
Murderface: I hate to say it, but, yeah.
Nathan: : Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.
Health Inspector: (pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?
Nathan: Yeah. It is, actually.
Murderface: Metal.
Health Inspector: Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?
Murderface: Yeah, again, metal.
Health Inspector: Is it metal for none of you to care at all?
Nathan: Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.
Health Inspector: Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.

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