Married with Children Quotes

Marcy: How long does it take to dry a dress?
Peg: In the machine's defense, Al fixed that too.
Al: I have an announcement: "Shut up."

TV Show: Married... with Children
Lady: Anything else I can do for you?
Peg: Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.
Al: Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

TV Show: Married... with Children
[The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]
Announcer: And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"
[Al enters the house.]
Al: I'm home!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?
Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?
Al: You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.
Buck: Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.
Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?
Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator
Steve{stern voice}: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!
Al: Yeah.
Steve{pleasant voice}: Thanks, Al!
Steve opens can of beer with Al

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
Steve: I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
Al: Yeah...
Peg: I bet she had great legs.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: And good breasts.
Al: Yeah...
Peg: Do you wanna come upstairs?
Al: Yeah... Wait a minute — with you?
Peg: Oh, yeah!
Al: ...Okay.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Steve: Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Al: Oh yeah, yeah, ah... it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
Steve: WHAT?!
Al: A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.
Steve: I cannot believe this.
Al: Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Steve: What do you mean?
Al: Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and could come in and say something like "Twelve women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket and make the sign of the Z.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Steve: Well, I warned you, Al.
Al: [chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Peg: Look, you don't have to give up any... An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for five days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for five days?
Peg: Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother and travel.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.
Peg: You got a night job?
Al: No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.
Peg: Well then, you've been missing work.

TV Show: Married... with Children
[After returning from the bowling riot]
Al: Did you hear something on the news?
Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.
Al: I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Kid: I wanna sit on your lap.
Al: [dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
Peg: No, what I just don't get is sex.
Al: That'll be Bud's new hobby.
Peg: Sex?
Al: No! Baseball cards.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Is it dead, Al?
Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.
Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?
Al: Nah, now it's personal.

TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al is going into the basement.]
Al: Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.
Steve: Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?
Bud: Sure.
Steve: Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?
Kelly: Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.
Ms. Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.
Peg: Our countries are very much alike.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's day? Fur? Jewels? A car?
Al: If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile and slam dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.
Steve: I only pray that after sixteen years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.
Al: Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...
Peg: Al, why can't you be more like Steve?
Marcy: ...and he's impotent!
Peg: My God, you are like Steve.

TV Show: Married... with Children