Married with Children Quotes

Kelly: Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Captain: This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
Peg: AL!
Al: Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I’d like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I’m not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I’d just like to say "I don’t like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"
Crowd: Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.
Al: Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
Crowd: No!
Al: I thought not.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Al: Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
Peg: You're the king, baby.
Al: Make me believe it.
Peg: Who's gonna make me believe it?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Hanged Bundy Ghost: Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
Impaled Bundy Ghost: Beware!
Headless Bundy Ghost: You will die in the morning!
Disemboweled Bundy Ghost: Run! Run while you still can!
5th Bundy Ghost: Wanna buy some shoes?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
Al: Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Winston: Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
Trevor: No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
Winston: That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: What're you in for?
Old Man: Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?
Al: Towel from the Suvoy. Whatta they feed ya in here?
Old Man: Bread and water.
Al: ...Then it's truely the best vacation I ever had!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: I don't getit. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest... and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.

TV Show: Married... with Children
(Peg walks in and sees him grabbing his butt)

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: You really should talk to daddy.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Don't mind me son, just avoiding your mother. Hey now, whats this? Hooters absolutely no faces.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Bud, did you do this? (short pause) Oh god look at my life, I'm sitting in my own son's wet spot!

TV Show: Married... with Children
(Al walks towards the mirror & looks at himself)

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I don't get it. I'm so cute. How could this be my fate? I should've married for money. Always had the bod, arms, god never made a nicer butt.

TV Show: Married... with Children
(Peg walks in, sees Al grabbing his butt & just leaves without saying anything)

TV Show: Married... with Children
Gas Station Attendant: Fill 'er up sir?
Al: Nope. Making a delivery.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Yeah, whatever.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Announcer: And the Atlanta Braves take the field.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Did something die in here?
Bud: That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."
Kelly: Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.
Bud: And nobody does it better.

TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al drives into the garage where Bud and his frat friends are holding hands with their pants down.]
Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Al: Not secret enough, son.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: You know what would really help me go to sleep?
Al: Yes I do Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

TV Show: Married... with Children
[Peg misses the $10,000 free throw.]
Al: Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.
Peg: You mean you're not disappointed, Al?
Al: Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?
Peg: So it's your fault?
Al: From the minute I said "I do."

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: It doesn't work any more, Peg.
Peg: What doesn't work?
Al: It.
Peg: How can you tell?
Al: I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns — nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?
Peg: Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.
Al: Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

TV Show: Married... with Children