Married with Children Quotes
Bud: I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.
Kelly: Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
Al: I didn’t steal your bra.
Al: I didn’t steal your bra.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Vinnie: Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
Mona: Really? When?
Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.
Mona: Really? When?
Vinnie: When you're no longer a felony.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Jefferson: Drop dead!
Peg: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dirt!
Al: Grow hair!
Peg: Lick feet!
Marcy: Eat dirt!
Al: Grow hair!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.
Jerry Mathers: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
Jerry Mathers: Golly, that felt good.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al’s money.]
Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.
Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.
Peg: I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Kelly: Appropriate for you, Bud.
Peg: And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
Bud: Appropriate for you, Kel.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.
Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.
Al: Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]
Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.
Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.
Peg: Oh, Al, take me again.
Al: I didn’t even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.
Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.
Al: Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.
Marcy: That's right, Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.
Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
Kelly: Oh.
Peg: Did you count both hands, honey?
Kelly: Oh.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?
Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!
Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.
Bartender: Oh, L.A.!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.
Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook?
Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!
Peg: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.
Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...
Bud: Repulsed by you?
Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.
Bud: Repulsed by you?
Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you?
Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?
Kelly: Do you think he's crazy?
Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Leona: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?
Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.
Leona: You'll be hearing from my attorney!
Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: [reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."
Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.
Al: Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!
Peg: "And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.
Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.
Kelly: Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Where the music stinks and they water the drinks — the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants — the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut — the nudie bar.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: You couldn't tell me that she was married?
Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids.
Peg: We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the kids.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Dad...
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.
Al: Go away.
Bud: This isn't about money.
Al: Go away anyway.
Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me.
Al: All right, what?
Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please?
Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?
Jefferson: Why? You're paying off the house?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.
[Al enters.]
Al: Why doesn't the world die?
[Al enters.]
Al: Why doesn't the world die?
TV Show: Married... with Children