Married with Children Quotes
Al: When a Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: What's wrong with you getting a second job?
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Captain: Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
Al: Marry a redhead.
Al: Marry a redhead.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al deduces what the reason for Peggy's big checks are
Al: Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Peg: Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
Al: OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
Peg: To get the commission checks!
Al gives strained look of rage
Al: You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?
Peg{sheepishly}: Minus the commission checks?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: $627.
Al{sternly}: Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray
Captain: Did not make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al
Peg{on microphone}: Whoosh!
Al: Peg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Peg: Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
Al: OK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
Peg: To get the commission checks!
Al gives strained look of rage
Al: You see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?
Peg{sheepishly}: Minus the commission checks?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: $627.
Al{sternly}: Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray
Captain: Did not make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al
Peg{on microphone}: Whoosh!
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I can't say I won and I can't say I lost. [looks at Peg] Well, I definitely can't say I won.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: If I had my way, I'd have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.
Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
Peg: You know, I feel the same way about that Pippi Longstocking girl. God I hate her!
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]
Peg: Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
Al: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
Peg: Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
Al: Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
TV Show: Married... with Children
[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.
Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.
Al: You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Kelly: Daddy, I was eight years old.
Al: But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Okay Al, let's go over this one more time. What do you work as?
Al: Garbageman.
Peg: How often do we do it?
Al: Five times a year.
Peg: No. Five times a week, Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?
Al: None.
Al: Garbageman.
Peg: How often do we do it?
Al: Five times a year.
Peg: No. Five times a week, Al. I'm not asking you to do it, just say it. How many kids do we have?
Al: None.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al: What about tax?
Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.
Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al?
Al: What about tax?
Steve: You sound just like those fools in the Treasury Department.
Marcy: Well, dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin.
Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.
Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.
Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.
Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.
Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: What do I need a computer for?
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: [placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: [placing arm around Peg] Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: I didn't marry a happy man.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
Al: No, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Al, nobody wants to peep me. Hold me!
Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.
Al: Well nobody wants to hold you either.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al and Peg's neighbor: I've been peeped too, it was horrible!
Al: How was it for you?
Al: How was it for you?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...
Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?
Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.
Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?
Peg: No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...
[Dissolve to later.]
Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
[Dissolve to still later.]
Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.
[Dissolve to later.]
Al: In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...
[Dissolve to still later.]
Al: ...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.
Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.
Al: Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
Peg: Oh, of course not!
Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.
Peg: Oh, of course not!
Bud: Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids?
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
Al: Fine.
Al's Father: How are my Playboys?
Al: You know, huh?
Al's Father: [sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?
Al: I came home. How good could it have been?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?
Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
(Kelly gets out.)
Kelly: I didn't get any.
(Al sighs)
Al: Kelly, get back in the car.
(Al looks under the hood)
Kelly(to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
Bud(off hand): Uh, yeah, Kell. It was great.
Kelly(pouting): Where was I?
Al(after a beat): Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.
(Kelly gets out.)
Kelly: I didn't get any.
(Al sighs)
Al: Kelly, get back in the car.
(Al looks under the hood)
Kelly(to Bud): Bud, did you get ice cream?
Bud(off hand): Uh, yeah, Kell. It was great.
Kelly(pouting): Where was I?
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?
Al: Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha, yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. Alright, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Bud: Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.
Al: Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
Kelly gets out.
Kelly(muttering): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.
Al: Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha, yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. Alright, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.
Bud: Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.
Al(to Bud): Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.
Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.
Al: Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.
Kelly gets out.
Kelly(muttering): Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.
They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Bud: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
Peg: I want a Cadillac.
Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
Bud: I want a Porsche.
Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]
Peg: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Mom.
Peg: Hi, Bud.
Al: Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.
Peg: I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?
Al: Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?
Peg: Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?
Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.
Peg: I want a Cadillac.
Kelly: I want a Ferrari.
Bud: I want a Porsche.
Al: Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.
Bud: Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.
Al: If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, three hundred years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.
Jefferson: That's Fidel Castro.
TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: How long was I out?
Kelly: Six hours.
Al: Why didn't you call 911?
Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.
Kelly: Six hours.
Al: Why didn't you call 911?
Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.
TV Show: Married... with Children