It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes
Dee(beating on a bum with a baton): You like that, bitch, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!
Bum: You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)
Dee: I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!
Bum: You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)
Dee: I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: No I put the bar under the pride section.
Dee: No you put the bar under the prize section
Dee: No you put the bar under the prize section
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Well what are we gonna do?!
Frank: We're gonna dance our asses off!!
Frank: We're gonna dance our asses off!!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Glad that went well. Now that's settled I'm gonna go get in that girls pants now.
Mac: I thought they were engaged dude.
Dennis: Yeah engaged come on that's just a word doesn't mean anything.
Mac: It means they're getting married.
Dennis: Ahh married engaged ahh just words. You know my parents were married engaged once you saw how that worked out. All right I'm gonna go bang that chick enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.
Mac: I thought they were engaged dude.
Dennis: Yeah engaged come on that's just a word doesn't mean anything.
Mac: It means they're getting married.
Dennis: Ahh married engaged ahh just words. You know my parents were married engaged once you saw how that worked out. All right I'm gonna go bang that chick enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Alright, well just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."
Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...
Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna...
Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."
Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...
Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.
Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.
Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...
Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.
Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please.
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?
Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.
Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...
Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.
Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please.
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Charlie: Alright.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Charlie: Alright.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: I'm gonna go pick up some diguises.
Dennis: Why?
Charlie: So people don't know who we are.
Dennis: People already don't know who we are!
Dennis: Why?
Charlie: So people don't know who we are.
Dennis: People already don't know who we are!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Parole Guy: You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Of course I'm gonna explode. You think I'm not gonna explode?
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Um, okay well, I guess this is probably...is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: How?
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: How?
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
[In a club]
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I really don't like this guy!
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I really don't like this guy!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy."
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: [After finding out he was hallucinating about Sinbad and Rob Thomas] Ah, I should see a doctor I'm really messed up.
Sinbad: [Hallucination form] Psst! No your not, bitch!
Sinbad: [Hallucination form] Psst! No your not, bitch!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia