It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes
Dennis: (thoughfully): I don't think that guy's retarded...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: Charlie's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
Mac: We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank(sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank(panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Mac: Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
Frank: We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Mac: What?
Frank: Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Charlie: Glue is for huffing, dude!
Frank: Gimme the glue!
Mac: It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
Frank: THISIS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!
Mac: We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank(sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank(panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Mac: Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
Frank: We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Mac: What?
Frank: Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Charlie: Glue is for huffing, dude!
Frank: Gimme the glue!
Mac: It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
Frank: THISIS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Sweet Dee: Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
Dennis: She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee: Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis(ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee: Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis: Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!
Dennis: She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee: Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis(ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee: Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis: Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: (To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: Ewww. Oh, I don't even know how that works, oh, God...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
Mac: No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie: Ohhh, dude....
Mac(panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie: No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac: --I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie(leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac: Charlie.
Charlie: Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it up! Rip it up! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'TDOTHAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS!(begins to scream)
Mac: No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie: Ohhh, dude....
Mac(panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie: No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac: --I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie(leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac: Charlie.
Charlie: Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it up! Rip it up! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'TDOTHAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS!(begins to scream)
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: What about you, Dennis?
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee: No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee: No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Well how 'bout this, first I have to deal with this problem with the mob, you know how that is.
Buster: Oh sure.
Charlie: So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.
Buster: Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!
Charlie: Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]
Buster: Oh sure.
Charlie: So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.
Buster: Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!
Charlie: Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: OK, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Dennis: OK.
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: OK, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Dennis: OK.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: I love you Peter Nincompoop! I miss you...already!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Rickety Cricket: You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rickety Cricket: Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Mac: Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
Rickety Cricket: Thanks I'm almost done!
Charlie & Dee: Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
Frank: How you guys doin?
Charlie & Dee: Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Mac: Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.
Dee: Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Charlie: Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Dee: Ooh went back to Bingo.
Charlie: Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Mac: Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
Dee: I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
Frank: And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
Rickety Cricket: Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Mac: Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
Rickety Cricket: Thanks I'm almost done!
Charlie & Dee: Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
Frank: How you guys doin?
Charlie & Dee: Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Mac: Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.
Dee: Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Charlie: Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Dee: Ooh went back to Bingo.
Charlie: Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Mac: Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
Dee: I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
Frank: And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: We are not gonna come out blasting, Jesus Christ what is wrong with you people?! Look we can still get out of this if we just calm doowwwwn!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mafia Member: Oh! These guys!
Gang: Oh! Aay!
Don: Alright, it's Friday. Where's my money?
Frank: Does anybody got a light?
Gang: Oh! Aay!
Don: Alright, it's Friday. Where's my money?
Frank: Does anybody got a light?
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: What the hell are you doing here, dude?
Dennis: I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac: You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis: No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac(incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis: Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac(does a double-take): What?!(Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank(motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac: No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank: What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac: Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank: GO!
Mac(grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis)STAY!
Frank(hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac(hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Frank: GET UP THERE!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac': STAY!
Frank: RIGHT!
Mac: YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Frank: NOW!
Dennis: STOP, STOP, STOP,STOP!Please stop hitting me so
Dennis: I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac: You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis: No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac(incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis: Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac(does a double-take): What?!(Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank(motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac: No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank: What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac: Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank: GO!
Mac(grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis)STAY!
Frank(hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac(hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Frank: GET UP THERE!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac': STAY!
Frank: RIGHT!
Mac: YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Frank: NOW!
Dennis: STOP, STOP, STOP,STOP!Please stop hitting me so
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Rickety Cricket(singing while pounding on his "drums"): They broke my legs, but they didn't break my spirit! And I can't feel the pain 'cause I found more cocaine! Co-CAINE! (Peter Nincompoop gallops down the street behind him)
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia