Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Rochelle: I had a dream. Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think, "Wow, hey, that could've been me." Yeah, I could've done a lot of things. I could've won a Pulitzer Prize.
Narrator (CR): If she only learned to Pulitzer.
Rochelle: I could've been a Poet Laureate.
Narrator(CR): That don't rhyme!
Rochelle: You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.
Narrator: If she could only throw a knuckleball.
Rochelle: But instead I decided to raise your family.
Narrator (CR): If she only learned to Pulitzer.
Rochelle: I could've been a Poet Laureate.
Narrator(CR): That don't rhyme!
Rochelle: You know what? I even could've won a Cy Young Award.
Narrator: If she could only throw a knuckleball.
Rochelle: But instead I decided to raise your family.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're gonna do with your life. You may go to college, you may not. But know whatever you do, you're gonna be good at it. 'Cause I'll have no grown man sleepin' at my house.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.
Mr. Abbott: A diaper? You mean, you wanna fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
Greg: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.
Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk outta my office.
Mr. Abbott: A diaper? You mean, you wanna fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
Greg: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.
Mr. Abbott: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk outta my office.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father loved thrift stores because you could trade in your old clothes for some new old clothes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Look, I can't afford to buy all-new school clothes.
Rochelle: I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.
Narrator: He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.
Rochelle: I guess that's one more thing you can't stand about your miserable life. My kids are not wearin' these, so you either get new clothes or new kids.
Narrator: He's tryin' to figure out which one is cheaper.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Abbott: [as Greg is about to go into his office wearing a dirty diaper] Nope, nope, nope. Get outta here, Funky Brewster.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Can you help me?
Mr. Abbott: Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm gonna have to.
Mr. Abbott: Well, unless they hire Big Bird, I'm gonna have to.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Abbott: You can learn anywhere, Chris. You can learn by reading a fortune cookie. If you get hit by a truck, you learn not to walk out into traffic. If you smack Mike Tyson, you learn that you are gonna get your ass whupped.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: [as Yao fights Caruso] As far as I was concerned, this was better than Enter the Dragon.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown at a health food store.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell. Come on, man!
Caruso: What are you doing?
Narrator: Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.
Caruso: What are you doing?
Narrator: Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Yao: I'm failing math. I've got work to do. I don't have time for this.
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.
Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.
Narrator: I bet you like rice!
Chris: Wait, you're not good at math?
Yao: What? Just because I'm Asian, I have to be good at math? You're black, can you moonwalk?
Chris: I didn't mean it like that. And no, I can't moonwalk.
Yao: So, I can't use chopsticks.
Chris: I don't like watermelon.
Yao: I can't make a swan out of paper.
Chris: I don't have sickle cell anemia.
Yao: I don't run a dry cleaners.
Narrator: I bet you like rice!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight. I felt just like Don King.
Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?
Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?
Caruso: Hey, Fried Rice. What took you so long?
Yao: Why don't you ask your mother?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Caruso had made my life a livin' hell. He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away. Not a 104-degree fever... [Caruso punches Chris in the face and sneezes] ...and not even a national summer holiday.
[Caruso arrives at Chris' door dressed as Uncle Sam]
Caruso: Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]
[Caruso arrives at Chris' door dressed as Uncle Sam]
Caruso: Happy 4th of July, Sammy. [punches Chris]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
Narrator: My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...
Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'...
Narrator: My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.
Narrator: My mom was makin' a lotta sense. Unfortunately, all my dad heard was...
Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin', coolin', washin', dryin'...
Narrator: My mom thought it was work that gave my dad stress, but she was wrong. It was debt.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Every superhero needs a villain. I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watchin' super-TV. And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr. Doom? At the circus.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My mom had her own style of driving: The Fast and the Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: While my mother was out challenging the law, I was breaking it.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I was supposed to park across the street, but now I'm on the highway to hell.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: What are you doing?
Chris: Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.
Narrator: Or to the other side of the borough.
Chris: Moving [my dad's car] to the other side of the street.
Narrator: Or to the other side of the borough.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
White Girl: Hey Chris. Can I sit in your car?
Chris: Sure, why not?
Narrator: Because they're underage.
Chris: Sure, why not?
Narrator: Because they're underage.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: What's wrong?
Chris: Everything.
Narrator: I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.
Chris: Everything.
Narrator: I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.
Chris: Hey Dad, can I drive?
Narrator: And he always said the same thing.
Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.
Narrator: He coulda just said no.
Chris: Hey Dad, can I drive?
Narrator: And he always said the same thing.
Julius: Drive? Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16, go to driver's ed., get a driver's license, graduate from high school, get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance. Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.
Narrator: He coulda just said no.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Don't go burnin' up gas.
Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.
Julius: That's three cents' worth of gas.
Chris: I'm just moving the car across the street.
Julius: That's three cents' worth of gas.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.
Chris: Dad?
Julius: Yeah, son?
Chris: I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.
Julius: You what?
Chris: I'm sorry. I really am.
Julius: Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: But one more thing...
Chris: Yes, Dad?
[Julius throws Chris out the window]
Narrator: Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.
Chris: Dad?
Julius: Yeah, son?
Chris: I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.
Julius: You what?
Chris: I'm sorry. I really am.
Julius: Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.
Chris: Thanks, Dad.
Julius: But one more thing...
Chris: Yes, Dad?
[Julius throws Chris out the window]
Narrator: Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: To my parents and the police, the house had been robbed, but to Tonya and Drew, the TV had been kidnapped.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris