The Golden Girls Quotes
Dorothy: I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.
Sophia: You can still be homecoming queen, it'll just be a different kind of home.
Sophia: You can still be homecoming queen, it'll just be a different kind of home.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Dorothy, you're the smart one, and Blanche, you're the sexy one and Sophia, you're the old one. I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, these are your twilight years.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: You all wanna see my vanskapkaka?
Sophia: As long as I don't have to show you mine.
Sophia: As long as I don't have to show you mine.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [about performing at the comedy club] I couldn't, I'd be up there sweating bullets.
Sophia: And dodging some.
Sophia: And dodging some.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche: So you told her?
Rose: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Blanche: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about...what a man would look like?
Rose: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would have been jealous.
Blanche: So you told her?
Rose: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Blanche: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about...what a man would look like?
Rose: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would have been jealous.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after falling out with her son Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!
Blanche: [walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?
Dorothy: [voice breaking] My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!
Blanche: [walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?
Dorothy: [voice breaking] My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [about Michael] You just did what you had to!
Dorothy: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy wondering where he is- I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know, or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia: [walking in] Michael called; he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
Dorothy: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy wondering where he is- I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know, or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia: [walking in] Michael called; he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [reading the newspaper]Miami will be busy this weekend with ten major conventions. Listen to this. ...the highlight being the Citrus Festival Ball, which is being chaired this year by 35-year-old Blanche Deveraux. How much did that cost you?
Blanche: I don't have to pay for my compliments!
Dorothy: You went to bed with him.
Blanche: Twice. But it's not like I wouldn't have anyway.
Blanche: I don't have to pay for my compliments!
Dorothy: You went to bed with him.
Blanche: Twice. But it's not like I wouldn't have anyway.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [off the phone with Virginia, flippant] Oh, it's Big Daddy. He's dead. [walks away]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[at the Hollingsworth mansion]
Virginia: You are the one who has never been here for the family. You.
Blanche: I have always been here for this family and how dare you say otherwise!
Virginia: Everything you do is for Blanche. To tell you the truth, I am surprised that you even made it to the funeral at all.
Blanche: Maybe you would have been happier if I hadn't!
Virginia: Maybe not happier, but at least this family would be able to grieve for Big Daddy without wondering what is in it for Blanche!
Blanche: Oh, fine. Hey, you don't have a thing to worry about. You won't even have to think about Blanche, because if you're going to be at that funeral, I refuse to go! [storms out]
Virginia: You are the one who has never been here for the family. You.
Blanche: I have always been here for this family and how dare you say otherwise!
Virginia: Everything you do is for Blanche. To tell you the truth, I am surprised that you even made it to the funeral at all.
Blanche: Maybe you would have been happier if I hadn't!
Virginia: Maybe not happier, but at least this family would be able to grieve for Big Daddy without wondering what is in it for Blanche!
Blanche: Oh, fine. Hey, you don't have a thing to worry about. You won't even have to think about Blanche, because if you're going to be at that funeral, I refuse to go! [storms out]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Sophia hands Rose a note with the explanation regarding Blanche's citrus plate]
Sophia: I wrote it down. You be Rose, why don't I be Sophia. This is what we'll say right after they walk in the door. [reads] "Hi, Blanche! You look beautiful. Welcome home. I love you."
Rose: [reads] "I broke the plate. I'm such a clumsy fool."
Sophia: Okay, now you can skip down to here.
Rose: I'm not gonna do this!
Sophia: Come on, you gotta! If it's the writing, I can punch it up!
Sophia: I wrote it down. You be Rose, why don't I be Sophia. This is what we'll say right after they walk in the door. [reads] "Hi, Blanche! You look beautiful. Welcome home. I love you."
Rose: [reads] "I broke the plate. I'm such a clumsy fool."
Sophia: Okay, now you can skip down to here.
Rose: I'm not gonna do this!
Sophia: Come on, you gotta! If it's the writing, I can punch it up!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall was impossible.
Sophia: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy: Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat...but I did it anyway!
Sophia: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy: Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat...but I did it anyway!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rev. Avery: Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for taking time off from your own celebrating to provide Christmas for some who are less fortunate. We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the Inn.
Rose: Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me. WHY didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? [Dorothy drops a heavy spoon] Surely they must have realized how hard it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season.
Rev. Avery: I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.
Rose: Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me. WHY didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? [Dorothy drops a heavy spoon] Surely they must have realized how hard it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season.
Rev. Avery: I guess that's one for the theologians, Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: You know, I've been thinking.
Blanche: Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
Blanche: Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.
Dorothy: Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
Rose: First there'd be the Christmas pageant with the shepherds and the angels, and the Two Wise Men.
Blanche: There were three wise men, Rose.
Rose: Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle, and then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Blanche: Why, Rose?
Rose: Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"
Dorothy: Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
Rose: First there'd be the Christmas pageant with the shepherds and the angels, and the Two Wise Men.
Blanche: There were three wise men, Rose.
Rose: Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle, and then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Blanche: Why, Rose?
Rose: Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world! What kind of a gift is dental floss?
Rose: Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
Sophia: [tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!
Blanche: What was it?
Sophia: A catalog item.
Blanche: L.L. Bean?
Sophia: Victoria's Secret.
Rose: Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
Sophia: [tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!
Blanche: What was it?
Sophia: A catalog item.
Blanche: L.L. Bean?
Sophia: Victoria's Secret.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like Saint Sigmund's Day without the Headless Boy!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea. I gave those servicemen something even Mr. Bob Hope himself could not give them.
Dorothy: A rash?
Dorothy: A rash?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] I buy for... Dorothy
Dorothy: Yes! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! OK I buy for.... Ma.
Sophia: Yes!
Blanche: [Realizing she's going to get the gift from Rose] Oh no.
Rose: OK, my turn. I buy for.... Rose.
Blanche: Oh! Thank You God!
Dorothy: Rose, you can't buy for yourself.
Rose: Thank goodness,I'm so hard to shop for. So I buy for....
Sophia: Blanche. [Blanche looks uneasy]
Rose: Thank you Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a few weeks someone's gonna learn how to yodel.
Dorothy: Yes! Oh yes! Yes! Yes! OK I buy for.... Ma.
Sophia: Yes!
Blanche: [Realizing she's going to get the gift from Rose] Oh no.
Rose: OK, my turn. I buy for.... Rose.
Blanche: Oh! Thank You God!
Dorothy: Rose, you can't buy for yourself.
Rose: Thank goodness,I'm so hard to shop for. So I buy for....
Sophia: Blanche. [Blanche looks uneasy]
Rose: Thank you Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a few weeks someone's gonna learn how to yodel.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [to a pregnant Mary] Now you come into the kitchen with me, honey, I'll get you some pickles and ice cream.
Mary: Oh, no thanks, I don't have any strange cravings yet.
Rose: Strange?
Mary: Oh, no thanks, I don't have any strange cravings yet.
Rose: Strange?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [to Mary] So when's the baby due?
Dorothy: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen-year-old girl!
Sophia: A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl.
[Everyone looks at Mary, who nods slightly.]
Dorothy: Ma, how did you know that?
Sophia: She had the same look of panic on her face that you had when you were pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I only thought pregnant sixteen-year-old girls had that look until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.
Dorothy: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen-year-old girl!
Sophia: A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl.
[Everyone looks at Mary, who nods slightly.]
Dorothy: Ma, how did you know that?
Sophia: She had the same look of panic on her face that you had when you were pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I only thought pregnant sixteen-year-old girls had that look until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Merrill is being released from prison to see Blanche after she's written him letters, Sophia is running around with a small box putting things into it]
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Merrill called, he's coming over, so I'm hiding our valuables.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I don't think he's dangerous. You've read those letters to Blanche. They're almost lyrical.
[Doorbell rings. It's Merrill]
Merrill: I want Blanche.
Sophia: Break out the finger sandwiches, Mr. Astaire looks hungry.
Merrill: [To Dorothy] Are you Blanche?
Dorothy: No!
Merrill: [To Sophia] How about you, cutie?
Sophia: Boy, this guy's done hard time.
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Merrill called, he's coming over, so I'm hiding our valuables.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I don't think he's dangerous. You've read those letters to Blanche. They're almost lyrical.
[Doorbell rings. It's Merrill]
Merrill: I want Blanche.
Sophia: Break out the finger sandwiches, Mr. Astaire looks hungry.
Merrill: [To Dorothy] Are you Blanche?
Dorothy: No!
Merrill: [To Sophia] How about you, cutie?
Sophia: Boy, this guy's done hard time.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Dorothy, you didn't tell me you were having company.
Dorothy: This is Merrill.
Blanche: Well, how do you do, Merrill? [realizing who he is immediately jumps from the couch] MERRILL!
Dorothy: He is here to see Blanche, and we told him we don't know when Blanche will be back.
Blanche: Oh, no, you wouldn't want to wait around for her, she's cold... frigid, hardly likes men at all.
Rose: And she's ugly, isn't she?
Blanche: Ugly is kind of a strong word, Rose.
Rose: And wrinkled.
Blanche: She is not wrinkled.
Rose: And fat.
Blanche: Stop that! You stop that right now, she is none of those things, she is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!
Merrill: All right, works for me, tell Blanche I'll be back.
Blanche: [after Merrill leaves] And stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
Dorothy: This is Merrill.
Blanche: Well, how do you do, Merrill? [realizing who he is immediately jumps from the couch] MERRILL!
Dorothy: He is here to see Blanche, and we told him we don't know when Blanche will be back.
Blanche: Oh, no, you wouldn't want to wait around for her, she's cold... frigid, hardly likes men at all.
Rose: And she's ugly, isn't she?
Blanche: Ugly is kind of a strong word, Rose.
Rose: And wrinkled.
Blanche: She is not wrinkled.
Rose: And fat.
Blanche: Stop that! You stop that right now, she is none of those things, she is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!
Merrill: All right, works for me, tell Blanche I'll be back.
Blanche: [after Merrill leaves] And stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [about Mary's dog Samson] Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?
Dorothy: No, what?
Sophia: He ate her! Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all!
Dorothy: Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.
Sophia: The woman's in denial! I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth and no one has seen her since!
Dorothy: No, what?
Sophia: He ate her! Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all!
Dorothy: Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.
Sophia: The woman's in denial! I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth and no one has seen her since!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: You think that since Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. A slut is a girl who gets knocked up in the back of a Studebaker. It was a Studebaker, right, Dorothy?
Dorothy: It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophoa: Now that's a slut.
Dorothy: It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophoa: Now that's a slut.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [helping untie Sophia] Who did this to you?
Sophia: [sarcastically] The Sandinistas!
Sophia: [sarcastically] The Sandinistas!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [comes into the kitchen dressed in cowgirl costume] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Dorothy: Blanche, you look ridiculous!
Blanche: Oh, I do not! I'm a cowgirl! Yippie-i-o-K-Y!
Dorothy: Ki-yay.
Blanche: Whatever.
Dorothy: Blanche, you look ridiculous!
Blanche: Oh, I do not! I'm a cowgirl! Yippie-i-o-K-Y!
Dorothy: Ki-yay.
Blanche: Whatever.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: All right, all right, I can pick up a cue. Picture it: Sicily, 1912. A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his pallete without using his hands... but I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her, and she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me. And that painter... was Pablo Picasso.
Dorothy: Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Rose: Be positive, Dorothy.
Dorothy: OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying!
Dorothy: Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Rose: Be positive, Dorothy.
Dorothy: OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying!
TV Show: The Golden Girls