The Big Bang Theory Quotes
Leonard: Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr…oh, that's terrible!
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr…oh, that's terrible!
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[Penny knocks on the door]
Penny: Merry Christmas!
Leonard: Merry Christmas!
Penny: How's your leg?
Leonard: Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: [handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Sheldon: Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Penny: Turn it over!
Sheldon: [becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: [visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Penny: Merry Christmas!
Leonard: Merry Christmas!
Penny: How's your leg?
Leonard: Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: [handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Sheldon: Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Penny: Turn it over!
Sheldon: [becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: [visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: [trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: [to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: [about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww…
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww…
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: [attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Howard: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[the guys are playing "laser-obstacle-chess", requiring them to navigate through a laser obstacle course to earn the right to make a move on a chessboard]
Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess…
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess…
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[Upon hearing that Leonard, Wolowitz, and Raj are upstairs in the new girl's apartment]
Penny: Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: [referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.
Penny: Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: [referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: I just wanna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Leonard: When did you get to that conclusion?
Sheldon: A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: I just wanna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Leonard: When did you get to that conclusion?
Sheldon: A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: I thought you said you were good at this! You're always talking about how you go to bars and meet women!
Howard: I do, all the time!
Leonard: Well what happened? We've been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you had was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it aren't you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You're weighing me down! I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine, I'll sit here, you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous, you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt!
Leonard: Actually, you can. There's a whole sport built around it. FALCONRY!
Howard: Shut up.
Howard: I do, all the time!
Leonard: Well what happened? We've been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you had was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it aren't you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You're weighing me down! I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine, I'll sit here, you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous, you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt!
Leonard: Actually, you can. There's a whole sport built around it. FALCONRY!
Howard: Shut up.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: You know… I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada… designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems… and replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me…or is that Sheldon’s way of saying “Vegas Baby”?
Raj: Is it me…or is that Sheldon’s way of saying “Vegas Baby”?
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: [after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Howard: You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[After Leonard asks why Penny gave him an unusually long hug]
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: OK, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: OK, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
Mrs. Cooper: [smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
Mrs. Cooper: [smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
Howard: I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
TV Show: The Big Bang Theory