Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Quotes
Martha: Sting is in the building right now?
Harriet: He's on stage.
Martha: Sting is upstairs, playing a lute.
Harriet: You want to go watch?
Martha: Harriet, you're interesting but... get out of my way!
Harriet: He's on stage.
Martha: Sting is upstairs, playing a lute.
Harriet: You want to go watch?
Martha: Harriet, you're interesting but... get out of my way!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: It's a beautiful instrument.
Martha: Sting? Or the lute?
Martha: Sting? Or the lute?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[In the studio, a tipsy Jordan explains to Cal that she's avoiding her boss, Jack.]
Jordan: So, I'm hiding here tonight. This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
Cal: Fortress of Solitude?
Jordan: Yes!
Cal: Well, enjoy yourself.
Jordan: I believe I will!
Jordan: So, I'm hiding here tonight. This is like, for me, Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
Cal: Fortress of Solitude?
Jordan: Yes!
Cal: Well, enjoy yourself.
Jordan: I believe I will!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jeannie: How do you feel about Darren?
Harriet: I'm crazy about him, and I'll tell you why.
Jeannie: He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?
Harriet: No. It's because he's the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt! He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior — he goes to church! — he works with his hands…
Jeannie: Well, he's not a rancher. He's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Harriet: I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by….what?
Jeannie: Thought?
Harriet: He thinks.
Jeannie: About what?
Harriet: I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.
Harriet: I'm crazy about him, and I'll tell you why.
Jeannie: He's a professional athlete and has the body of one?
Harriet: No. It's because he's the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt! He's not snide, he's not smug, he's not superior — he goes to church! — he works with his hands…
Jeannie: Well, he's not a rancher. He's a middle-reliever for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Harriet: I'm saying he is, by and large, unburdened by….what?
Jeannie: Thought?
Harriet: He thinks.
Jeannie: About what?
Harriet: I'm looking forward to discovering that tonight.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Tom is dismayed about his parents' imminent visit to the studio.]
Tom: I'm gonna show them around the studio, and when we say goodnight, I swear to God, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money, and it is going to take everything I've got not to point out to him I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
Simon: I would resist that urge.
Tom: I'm gonna show them around the studio, and when we say goodnight, I swear to God, my father's gonna ask me if I need any money, and it is going to take everything I've got not to point out to him I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping-pong room.
Simon: I would resist that urge.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[After the show, Danny is trying to deflect annoyed host Lauren Graham when Matt enters the office.]
Lauren Graham: Why did you cut my sketch?
Matt: It wasn't funny.
Lauren Graham: I thought it was funny.
Matt: I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.
Lauren Graham: Really? 'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.
Matt: And that's why I cut the sketch. You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Lauren Graham: Gilmore Girls.
Danny: I wrote it down for you!
Lauren Graham: Why did you cut my sketch?
Matt: It wasn't funny.
Lauren Graham: I thought it was funny.
Matt: I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren't very good.
Lauren Graham: Really? 'Cause I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.
Matt: And that's why I cut the sketch. You were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Lauren Graham: Gilmore Girls.
Danny: I wrote it down for you!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jack: You see it as part of your job to screw with my company, don't you?
Danny: No! I do not. That's just one of the perks.
Danny: No! I do not. That's just one of the perks.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance, and that's fine with me but if it's also fine with Jesus then I don't see the need to tiptoe around his name.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: It's one thing to be asked to respect someone else's religion, it's another to be asked to respect their taboos. In my religion it's disrespectful to God not to keep your head covered. You don't see me insisting that the cast of CSI: Miami wear yarmulkas.
Danny: That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSI: Miami.
Danny: That'd be an unusual creative direction for CSI: Miami.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jack: [about Jordan] She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does…
Danny: That is not true. No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does.
Danny: That is not true. No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: 15 minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort.
Danny: Where're you getting a police escort from?
Matt: I will commit a crime and lead them on a high speed chase if I have to; I am not kidding around!
Danny: Where're you getting a police escort from?
Matt: I will commit a crime and lead them on a high speed chase if I have to; I am not kidding around!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: [about an interview] I said the Bible says it's a sin. It also says judge not lest ye be judged, and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.
Matt: "Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.
Harriet: How do you manage to see every piece of my press?
Matt: We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see - this one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker!
Harriet: Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.
Matt: Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?
Matt: "Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.
Harriet: How do you manage to see every piece of my press?
Matt: We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see - this one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker!
Harriet: Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.
Matt: Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: I don't even know what the sides are in the culture war.
Matt: Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid, and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.
Matt: Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid, and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Jordan tries to get Harriet to cancel upcoming concerts for Women United.]
Harriet: Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.
Jordan: Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.
Harriet: Young girls attend these events. They admire me. I'm in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.
Jordan: Carol Channing has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter's.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jordan: [answering her cell phone] Hello?
Danny: Danny.
Jordan: Danny who?
Danny: Danny Tripp!
Jordan: I know. I was just being dry. Why don't people ever get that?
Danny: Well, for one thing—
Jordan: And then I was being rhetorical!
Danny: Danny.
Jordan: Danny who?
Danny: Danny Tripp!
Jordan: I know. I was just being dry. Why don't people ever get that?
Danny: Well, for one thing—
Jordan: And then I was being rhetorical!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Darius: Can I ask you something?
Lucy: Yes.
Darius: Sometimes I hear people call another people "sir". There doesn't seem to be a pattern as to when and who, and I don't wanna be impolite, but I don't wanna look like an idiot either, so... who gets called "sir"?
Lucy: I'm working on a sketch right now.
Darius: OK.
Lucy: There are no rules to it. It'll come naturally, like calling a conductor "maestro" when he is in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the more we hear Matt and Danny called "sir". Cal, too, department heads, anybody who deserves it. It's not a big deal.
Darius: Ok. [pause] Is this is a "white people" thing or what?
Lucy: I'm not white, Darius, I'm English.
Darius: [laughs] Put that line in the damn sketch.
Lucy: Yes.
Darius: Sometimes I hear people call another people "sir". There doesn't seem to be a pattern as to when and who, and I don't wanna be impolite, but I don't wanna look like an idiot either, so... who gets called "sir"?
Lucy: I'm working on a sketch right now.
Darius: OK.
Lucy: There are no rules to it. It'll come naturally, like calling a conductor "maestro" when he is in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the more we hear Matt and Danny called "sir". Cal, too, department heads, anybody who deserves it. It's not a big deal.
Darius: Ok. [pause] Is this is a "white people" thing or what?
Lucy: I'm not white, Darius, I'm English.
Darius: [laughs] Put that line in the damn sketch.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: Shut up, you live off Mulholland, there are other streets in the country where marriage is still important.
Matt: It's important off of Mulholland too, but let me ask you something how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down from them also getting married, and if it does, how is that their problem?
Matt: It's important off of Mulholland too, but let me ask you something how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down from them also getting married, and if it does, how is that their problem?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: [to Matt] You know what? When George Michael does some guy in a bathroom, or Woody Allen marries his daughter, or a child molester gets an Oscar nomination, it doesn't really give Hollywood a lot of moral authority on sexual behavior.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Cal tears into Ricky and Ron about the just-ending show running 37 seconds short.]
Cal: Danny had to have Jessica Simpson fill. Nice girl, nice performer — don't want her to extemporize on our air. She had time to thank her pets, and then she asked us all to pray for peace in the Midwest.
Ron: [laughing] I'm sure she meant the Middle East.
Cal: Danny had to have Jessica Simpson fill. Nice girl, nice performer — don't want her to extemporize on our air. She had time to thank her pets, and then she asked us all to pray for peace in the Midwest.
Ron: [laughing] I'm sure she meant the Middle East.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Tom: The doctor’s giving my mother a sedative called Atrividium
Captain Boyle: Yeah.
Tom: My father’s taking shots of a sedative called Johnny Walker Red.
Captain Boyle: Yeah.
Tom: My father’s taking shots of a sedative called Johnny Walker Red.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Matt runs through his own show criticisms with Danny.]
Danny: I'll tell ya, considering me and half the cast spend most of the day in Pahrump, Nevada, I thought it was a pretty good show.
Matt: Yeah?
Danny: I did.
Matt: Indiana? Illinois? Missouri? Are rebel forces gathering?
Danny: No.
Matt: Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?
Danny: Girl's nice to look at.
...
[Jordan arrives with some ironic congratulations.]
Jordan: I saw the end… and I think we should all take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.
Danny: I'll tell ya, considering me and half the cast spend most of the day in Pahrump, Nevada, I thought it was a pretty good show.
Matt: Yeah?
Danny: I did.
Matt: Indiana? Illinois? Missouri? Are rebel forces gathering?
Danny: No.
Matt: Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?
Danny: Girl's nice to look at.
...
[Jordan arrives with some ironic congratulations.]
Jordan: I saw the end… and I think we should all take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: People knock on closed doors in America! Were the two of you raised on a farm?!
Tom: I was.
Simon: I was raised over a heroin dealership.
Harriet: That's no excuse for bad manners.
Tom: I was.
Simon: I was raised over a heroin dealership.
Harriet: That's no excuse for bad manners.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: I am psyched for this photo-shoot of yours.
Harriet: I want to commission a scientific study of how news travels in this building!
Matt: Hey, I'm not even sure there's such a thing as the Internet. It might just be Jeannie telling everyone stuff.
Harriet: I want to commission a scientific study of how news travels in this building!
Matt: Hey, I'm not even sure there's such a thing as the Internet. It might just be Jeannie telling everyone stuff.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
Suzanne: Yes.
Danny: Do you agree that it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web-posting to support her point?
Suzanne: I liked the piece.
Danny: Never disagree with me.
Suzanne: It made me sick.
Suzanne: Yes.
Danny: Do you agree that it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web-posting to support her point?
Suzanne: I liked the piece.
Danny: Never disagree with me.
Suzanne: It made me sick.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
Matt: Yeah?
Suzanne: If you'll take me.
Matt: I'll take the hell out of you.
Suzanne: Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Matt: Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
Matt: Yeah?
Suzanne: If you'll take me.
Matt: I'll take the hell out of you.
Suzanne: Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Matt: Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Matt once again jokingly reminds Danny that he can't have a B-12 shot if he's pregnant.]
Danny: You know, Chevy Chase woke up one day and just wasn't funny anymore.
Danny: You know, Chevy Chase woke up one day and just wasn't funny anymore.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jordan: Don't let the nurse give me the shot! [Danny re-enters, having gone to fetch the nurse]
Danny/Jordan: You're/I'm Pregnant.
Danny/Jordan: You're/I'm Pregnant.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[In a doctor's waiting room, Danny to Jordan from a magazine titled Expectant.]
Danny: If you were over 35, then what we gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach, and get some fluid from your pre-natal girth.
Jordan: Why are you here?
Danny: Morale.
Jordan: I really don't need help.
Danny: Not now, but you will soon, 'cause this says you gonna have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
Jordan: Danny....
Danny: Wait, that can't be you.
Jordan: (snickering) No.
Danny: It's an Alaskan King Crab that does that.
Danny: If you were over 35, then what we gotta do is stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach, and get some fluid from your pre-natal girth.
Jordan: Why are you here?
Danny: Morale.
Jordan: I really don't need help.
Danny: Not now, but you will soon, 'cause this says you gonna have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
Jordan: Danny....
Danny: Wait, that can't be you.
Jordan: (snickering) No.
Danny: It's an Alaskan King Crab that does that.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[In the examining room, Danny snipes about the father of Jordan's baby.]
Jordan: This is the time for a lecture?
Danny: No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the last honest man on the planet get loaded on Jägermeister and forgot that there's like five hundred different kinds of birth control?
Jordan: This is the time for a lecture?
Danny: No, that was about twelve weeks ago. By the way, did you and the last honest man on the planet get loaded on Jägermeister and forgot that there's like five hundred different kinds of birth control?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Doctor: Have you told anyone?
Jordan: Just my assistant, Kevin. That's it.
Doctor: And… Mr. Tripp?
Jordan: I had to tell him.
Danny: She wanted to.
Jordan: I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn't gonna force a B-12 injection on me.
Doctor: You've just described the beginning of every great love story.
Jordan: Just my assistant, Kevin. That's it.
Doctor: And… Mr. Tripp?
Jordan: I had to tell him.
Danny: She wanted to.
Jordan: I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn't gonna force a B-12 injection on me.
Doctor: You've just described the beginning of every great love story.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip