Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Quotes
[Matt plops down a tiny mounted pine on the writers' conference table.]
Andy: What are you, Linus?
Matt: Yes. Yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Darius: You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
Matt: All Christmas trees are dead,they've been cut down.
Andy: What are you, Linus?
Matt: Yes. Yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Darius: You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
Matt: All Christmas trees are dead,they've been cut down.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: I've been married twice before, and I'm a recovering cocaine addict, and I know that's no woman's dream of a man — or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you wanna run I understand. But you better get a good head start, 'cause I'm coming for you, Jordan.
[A squirrel-cheeked Jordan stares at him, speechless.]
Danny: You should go ahead and chew that sandwich now.
[A squirrel-cheeked Jordan stares at him, speechless.]
Danny: You should go ahead and chew that sandwich now.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jack: Ted, believe me, I wish this was a fight for ethics. I wish this was a conversation about the integrity of the news. But it's not. It's about preventing ourselves from being a laughingstock.
Atkins: Well, I don't feel like a laughingstock.
Jack: That's only because you're a moron.
[pause]
Atkins: Wilson, you're backing up what he said?
Wilson: Yes - including and especially you being a moron.
Atkins: Well, I don't feel like a laughingstock.
Jack: That's only because you're a moron.
[pause]
Atkins: Wilson, you're backing up what he said?
Wilson: Yes - including and especially you being a moron.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: Twelve hundred dollars I gotta give to abstinence people?
Suzanne: Twelve hundred and one.
Matt: Alright, do it, and can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do, so I can donate an equal amount to them, and make it a wash?
Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex?
Matt: It's L.A. You should be able to throw a rock and hit one.
Suzanne: Twelve hundred and one.
Matt: Alright, do it, and can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do, so I can donate an equal amount to them, and make it a wash?
Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex?
Matt: It's L.A. You should be able to throw a rock and hit one.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Stuck on the roof with Danny, Jordan can't understand why he's so upset about Harriet's premature "funny voice" promo.]
Jordan: It's not the end of the world!
Danny: No, it's not. But it's a continuation of the one-sheet world.
Jordan: What's a one-sheet world?
Danny: You know, a movie poster, a one-sheet. "I think we'll do the Green Lantern — I can see the one-sheet now. Don't worry that we don't have a story — we're gonna make all our money before word-of-mouth can kill us, anyway." We elect Presidents the same way. "He's got a big name, he'll raise money, he'll get the nomination! We'll teach him how to be President later!"
Jordan: It's not the end of the world!
Danny: No, it's not. But it's a continuation of the one-sheet world.
Jordan: What's a one-sheet world?
Danny: You know, a movie poster, a one-sheet. "I think we'll do the Green Lantern — I can see the one-sheet now. Don't worry that we don't have a story — we're gonna make all our money before word-of-mouth can kill us, anyway." We elect Presidents the same way. "He's got a big name, he'll raise money, he'll get the nomination! We'll teach him how to be President later!"
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Sam: Yeah, what's going on with Danny and Jordan?
Harriet: I don't know, we should talk about it a little closer to the microphones.
Harriet: I don't know, we should talk about it a little closer to the microphones.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jordan: You've never been rejected by a woman before?
Danny: Not this many times by the same woman in one night.
Danny: Not this many times by the same woman in one night.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: I've been locked up on a roof with a deadly viper in my studio, and it's been the best night of my life, because I was with you. I wasn't going to lose interest in four months.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Zhang Tao: Oh, her mother will take care of that.
Jack: You speak English?
Zhang Tao: I speak a few words.
Jack: How many words?
Zhang Tao: All of them.
Jack: Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
Zhang Tao: It's fun.
Jack: It's fun?! [pause] Yeah. Guess it would be.
Jack: You speak English?
Zhang Tao: I speak a few words.
Jack: How many words?
Zhang Tao: All of them.
Jack: Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
Zhang Tao: It's fun.
Jack: It's fun?! [pause] Yeah. Guess it would be.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Bevo: The snake’s blocking the exit. That’s why the coyote won’t come back. He’s afraid of the snake.
Cal: And the ferret?
Bevo: He’s afraid of the coyote.
Cal: I tell you, man, this lacks the feel of professionalism!
Cal: And the ferret?
Bevo: He’s afraid of the coyote.
Cal: I tell you, man, this lacks the feel of professionalism!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jordan: (on the phone with Danny) Hi, this is Jordan McDeere. I'm the President of NBS west coast entertainment.
Danny: Yes ma'am.
Jordan: I'm concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Danny: Well, I got all four of them working. But this is just dress. If you want I can bring in some IMAX equipment tonight.
Jordan: This is what you like, huh?
Danny: Me? Uh...no, and I'll tell you why. Because she's TOO sexy.
Jordan: My hormones are like a Los Alamos experiment right now.
Danny: What does that mean?
Jordan: Get the cameras off her chest!!
Danny: Yes ma'am.
Jordan: I'm concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Danny: Well, I got all four of them working. But this is just dress. If you want I can bring in some IMAX equipment tonight.
Jordan: This is what you like, huh?
Danny: Me? Uh...no, and I'll tell you why. Because she's TOO sexy.
Jordan: My hormones are like a Los Alamos experiment right now.
Danny: What does that mean?
Jordan: Get the cameras off her chest!!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: I went down there to pitch her a sketch about a Christian Radio Host, and it turns out, she's a Christian.
Luke: I'm a Christian.
Matt: Yeah, but she's like...ya know...a member!
Luke: Really?
Matt: What were the odds of that? I'd say the last two places I'd expect to find a member of the Christian right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.
Luke: Did you offend her?
Matt: I couldn't have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior, it was stunning!
Luke: I'm a Christian.
Matt: Yeah, but she's like...ya know...a member!
Luke: Really?
Matt: What were the odds of that? I'd say the last two places I'd expect to find a member of the Christian right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.
Luke: Did you offend her?
Matt: I couldn't have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior, it was stunning!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Tom: It's gotta be soon, right?
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'm feeling the good vibe
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'll tell you this, if it doesn't make it to air, it sure wasn't your fault
Dylan: It sure wasn't your fault
Tom: You owned it
Dylan: You owned it
Tom: You got a receipt for it my man.
Dylan: You're Tom Jeter. No more need to be said.
Tom: You could've picked up the pace a little
Dylan: Yeah. Maybe a little less mugging from you.
Tom: (forcefully) No. No. This is what they want. To turn us against each other.
Dylan: You never mug man.
Tom: Your pacing is genius.
(Tom sees Andy approaching)
Tom: Here comes Andy. He'll make us feel better.
(They both start walking towards Andy)
Tom: Hey Andy!
(Andy gives them a nod of recognition as they approach him)
Andy: You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die.
Tom: (pointing to Dylan) It was his pacing.
Andy: Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada was? Because your Canadian accent...
Tom: Too much?
Andy: It was Mexican.
Tom: This is the longest they've ever taken to decide.
Andy: In the old days, if your sketch didn't make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked, to sell lemon drinks shrouded only in your failure. And you'd have to explain to the patrons why you weren't good enough.
Dylan: There used to be a naked lemon drink salesman?
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: That's right!
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'm feeling the good vibe
Dylan: Yeah
Tom: I'll tell you this, if it doesn't make it to air, it sure wasn't your fault
Dylan: It sure wasn't your fault
Tom: You owned it
Dylan: You owned it
Tom: You got a receipt for it my man.
Dylan: You're Tom Jeter. No more need to be said.
Tom: You could've picked up the pace a little
Dylan: Yeah. Maybe a little less mugging from you.
Tom: (forcefully) No. No. This is what they want. To turn us against each other.
Dylan: You never mug man.
Tom: Your pacing is genius.
(Tom sees Andy approaching)
Tom: Here comes Andy. He'll make us feel better.
(They both start walking towards Andy)
Tom: Hey Andy!
(Andy gives them a nod of recognition as they approach him)
Andy: You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die.
Tom: (pointing to Dylan) It was his pacing.
Andy: Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada was? Because your Canadian accent...
Tom: Too much?
Andy: It was Mexican.
Tom: This is the longest they've ever taken to decide.
Andy: In the old days, if your sketch didn't make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked, to sell lemon drinks shrouded only in your failure. And you'd have to explain to the patrons why you weren't good enough.
Dylan: There used to be a naked lemon drink salesman?
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: That's right!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Jordan shows Danny her "practice" Real Care Baby.]
Jordan: It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
Danny: The real baby's gonna do that, too.
Jordan: Yeah, but now I know not to… you know…
Danny: Stuff the baby in a bag?
Jordan: Yeah!
Danny: You knew that before!
Jordan: Now I can practice comforting.
Danny: You turned it off with a remote.
. . .
Danny: I know you're nervous, and… God understands that. So he made the first year an on-ramp. Okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
Jordan: You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
Danny: Alright, you don't… drive… the baby. Ever.
Jordan: It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag!
Danny: The real baby's gonna do that, too.
Jordan: Yeah, but now I know not to… you know…
Danny: Stuff the baby in a bag?
Jordan: Yeah!
Danny: You knew that before!
Jordan: Now I can practice comforting.
Danny: You turned it off with a remote.
. . .
Danny: I know you're nervous, and… God understands that. So he made the first year an on-ramp. Okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
Jordan: You know how many times I've busted my car merging with other traffic?
Danny: Alright, you don't… drive… the baby. Ever.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
[Danny is horrified at the results of Cal and Tom's test of a prop guillotine with the practice baby.]
Cal: They're supposed to be indestructible.
Danny: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80-pound hydraulic axe on their head.
. . .
Danny: … it's Jordan's, and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive, and I was doing fine until Sacco and Vanzetti decided to CHOP THE BABY'S HEAD OFF!
Cal: They're supposed to be indestructible.
Danny: Yeah, they are, unless you drop an 80-pound hydraulic axe on their head.
. . .
Danny: … it's Jordan's, and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive, and I was doing fine until Sacco and Vanzetti decided to CHOP THE BABY'S HEAD OFF!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Cal: We can't air the dress tonight.
Jack: Why not?
Cal: We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
Jack: You didn't record the color blue at the dress!?
Jack: Why not?
Cal: We record the signal in RGB, we were missing the B.
Jack: You didn't record the color blue at the dress!?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Cal: (referencing the teenagers who'd just called in a fake threat to the building)Can we determine if there actually is a bomb in the building?
Jack: I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight.
Jack: I trust them, but just in case why don't we handcuff them to the building overnight.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Robbie: (About the bomb threat) Why wasn't it on the news?
Jack: It's Friday night!
Robbie: Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
Jack: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Jack: It's Friday night!
Robbie: Aren't bomb threats a big deal?
Jack: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
(Danny has just learned that Matt has been taking pills to get high)
Danny: Where are they?
(Matt surrenders a bottle of pills)
Danny: What the hell are these?
Matt: Flintstones Vitamins.
Danny: These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Matt: Yeah. I like the Bam-Bams. You got a problem with that?
Danny: Where are they?
(Matt surrenders a bottle of pills)
Danny: What the hell are these?
Matt: Flintstones Vitamins.
Danny: These are Flintstones Vitamins.
Matt: Yeah. I like the Bam-Bams. You got a problem with that?
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?
Harriet: No.
Matt: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet: He's not David Copperfield!
Harriet: No.
Matt: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?
Harriet: He's not David Copperfield!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or they don't get to call it science
Harriet: Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...
Matt: It's a fairy tale!
Harriet: No, it's not
Matt: We've been having this fight for six months!
Harriet: We've been having this fight for two years!
Matt: We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!
Harriet: Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...
Matt: It's a fairy tale!
Harriet: No, it's not
Matt: We've been having this fight for six months!
Harriet: We've been having this fight for two years!
Matt: We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: You're engaged?
Danny: Yeah
Harriet: And there's a baby?
Danny: Yeah
Harriet: Because like an hour ago none of this was true.
Danny: Yeah, things are moving fast tonight.
Danny: Yeah
Harriet: And there's a baby?
Danny: Yeah
Harriet: Because like an hour ago none of this was true.
Danny: Yeah, things are moving fast tonight.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: You know, I remember a few days after the mega phone thing at ground zero I was at the Writers' Guild and people were talking about what a seminal moment that was, and while people were talking about what a great leader he had become in that moment I was thinking, "Gee, what I saw was a guy getting an alley-oop pass from a heckler." A guy from off camera shouted, 'we can't hear you' and Bush shouted back, 'well I can hear you and soon the people that knocked these towers down will hear all of us.' Not a bad come back, but, it didn't strike me as a Saint Crispen's Day speech or anything. But I didn't say anything because I was scared and I've been scared for 5 weeks and that's too long for a grown man.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Matt: How is it possible that at a time when the entire country is completely in line, including the two of us, that... how is it possible that people are so offended by a thoroughly benign sketch?! Is true patriotism really that fragile that it can be threatened by a late night comedy show?!
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: What are you doing?
Harriet: Cheering you up with a little Holly Hunter.
Danny: Yeah?
Harriet: It's what I'm here for.
Danny: How is it no one's ever hit you in the head with a potato?
Harriet: I duck and weave, baby.
Harriet: Cheering you up with a little Holly Hunter.
Danny: Yeah?
Harriet: It's what I'm here for.
Danny: How is it no one's ever hit you in the head with a potato?
Harriet: I duck and weave, baby.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Danny: Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you.
Matt: Okay.
Danny: Did you take it the wrong way?
Matt: I took it to mean you're gay and you want me.
Danny: Good.
Matt: I love you too, brother.
Matt: Okay.
Danny: Did you take it the wrong way?
Matt: I took it to mean you're gay and you want me.
Danny: Good.
Matt: I love you too, brother.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Harriet: You kept that from me?
Matt: When you're high, you keep it from everyone. (Harry hits him) Ow.
Harriet: Not me. Never me. I'm the one person.
Matt: Ok.
Harriet: I'm the one person, always.
Matt: When you're high, you keep it from everyone. (Harry hits him) Ow.
Harriet: Not me. Never me. I'm the one person.
Matt: Ok.
Harriet: I'm the one person, always.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Jack: Any chance you've calmed down?
Simon: I'm completely calm.
Jack: You'll read a statement of apology?
Simon: I said I was calm, Jack. I didn't say my spine had become detached from my brain.
Jack: I think your brain has become detached from your brain.
Simon: I'm completely calm.
Jack: You'll read a statement of apology?
Simon: I said I was calm, Jack. I didn't say my spine had become detached from my brain.
Jack: I think your brain has become detached from your brain.
TV Show: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip