South Park Quotes
Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God. You should've been there.
Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!
Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.
Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!
Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.
Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defence.
Policeman: Who are we gonna convict? Johny Walker?
Stan's dad: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.
Policeman: Who are we gonna convict? Johny Walker?
Stan's dad: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.
TV Show: South Park
Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?
Teacher: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.
Teacher: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.
TV Show: South Park
Teacher: Ike let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.
Ike: Yaayh, Mulan.
Ike: Yaayh, Mulan.
TV Show: South Park
Policeman: Are you sure you are not lying. Follie?
Policeman Follie: No, really. I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.
Policeman Follie: No, really. I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman (2546): I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient, and wait for two months. Do you hear me?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Aw suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]
TV Show: South Park
[the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]
County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!
County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!
TV Show: South Park
Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.
Satan: What?
Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a crocodile hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!
Satan: Oh jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a crocodile hunter outfit] Erm, er, dude, the whole crocodile hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago! It's just not cool, gotta leave.
Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the crocodile hunter!
Satan: Oh. Oh but then dude, no costume. Sorry you're gonna have to go!
Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!
Satan: What?
Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a crocodile hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!
Satan: Oh jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a crocodile hunter outfit] Erm, er, dude, the whole crocodile hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago! It's just not cool, gotta leave.
Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the crocodile hunter!
Satan: Oh. Oh but then dude, no costume. Sorry you're gonna have to go!
Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!
TV Show: South Park
Satan: [having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!
Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.
Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.
TV Show: South Park
Satan: [to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realise that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.
TV Show: South Park
Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.
Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Diddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Diddy had one.
Satan's minion: Does it matter?
Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Diddy did it.
Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Diddy do it?
Hotel owner: Diddy did do it.
Satan: A full ice cream bar!
Hotel owner: Diddy did it.
Satan: Dammit, what didn't Diddy do?!
Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Diddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.
Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Diddy had one.
Satan's minion: Does it matter?
Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Diddy did it.
Satan's minion: How about a donut machine?
Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Diddy do it?
Hotel owner: Diddy did do it.
Satan: A full ice cream bar!
Hotel owner: Diddy did it.
Satan: Dammit, what didn't Diddy do?!
TV Show: South Park
Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Science damn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!
TV Show: South Park
Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!
TV Show: South Park
Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!
Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.
Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?
Stan: It's still three weeks.
Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Kyle: Will you shut up already?
Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!
Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.
Stan: It's still three weeks.
Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?
Kyle: Will you shut up already?
Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bullcrap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!
Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]
Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.
TV Show: South Park
EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.
TV Show: South Park
Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her pants]
Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!
[Garrison defecates in her hand]
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a fucking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins' face]
Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!
[Garrison defecates in her hand]
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a fucking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins' face]
TV Show: South Park
United Athiest League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.
TV Show: South Park
[Richard Dawkins runs out Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she had a sex change]
Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!
Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!
TV Show: South Park
K-10: Bark-bark. Hello Eric, I have missed you.
Cartman: Suck my balls K-10, I'm not in the mood.
Cartman: Suck my balls K-10, I'm not in the mood.
TV Show: South Park
The Wise One: Maybe some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows, maybe just believing in God...makes God exist. [thoughtful, solemn pause]
Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!
[The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]
Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!
[The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]
TV Show: South Park
Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Allegiance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!
TV Show: South Park
Clerk: Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
Cartman: Hello?
Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?
Cartman: Hello?
Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?
TV Show: South Park
County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
TV Show: South Park
County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bummin' on Cancer.
TV Show: South Park